'AITA for cutting my daughter off after her husband left her to be with his mistress?'
"AITA for not wanting my daughter in my life?"
Away-Afternoon-9587 writes:
My late husband passed away when my daughter Nelly was just five years old, and I had her when I was 17. I remarried Benz when Nelly was ten. For the first five years of our relationship, I focused on Nelly and continued to prioritize her well-being throughout my marriage to Benz.
While my husband expressed a desire for children soon after we married, I made it clear that I preferred to wait until Nelly turned 18. I wanted to ensure that she never felt abandoned or replaced. For thirteen years, Benz respected my decision and, despite being childfree, never voiced any complaints.
He has always been supportive of my relationship with Nelly, understanding that he could never replace her father. Once Nelly turned 18, our family dynamic remained strong, and we all supported her when she met her fiancé. My late husband's parents took Benz in and respected him a lot for not wanting to “replace” their son.
At my daughter's wedding, she even gave a speech to my husband about how amazing and supportive he was and how she loved him. They acknowledged Benz in a heartfelt speech. However, after the wedding, Nelly unexpectedly cut off contact with us.
We were so shocked. No explanation as to why, just silence, after she told us she never wanted to see us again. Though we were hurt, I asked my late husband's parents to continue supporting her without pressuring her to reconnect with us.
Nelly went on to have two children but did not reach out to us. Despite our attempts to contact her during the first two years of her no-contact decision, we eventually stopped, and we dropped contact from our end too. During that time, Benz and I welcomed a four-year-old daughter and a three-year-old son into our family. Benz has never been happier, as he always wanted biological children, even though he loved raising my daughter.
I got a message last Sunday from a number stating that my daughter might reach out in the coming days and said that he (I did not know it was a man then) hopes “I will be smart enough not to let her back in.” Then I received a call from my late husband's in-laws, who informed me that Nelly's husband had cheated on her and was leaving her for his mistress and she was all alone.
I was shocked by the news, as he had seemed devoted to her. I asked my ex-mother-in-law to convey my support to Nelly during this difficult time. I am sure she then told my daughter this because my daughter reached out after my ex-mother-in-law gave her my number, and the first thing she said was, “Mom, I don't know how I'm going to take care of my kids alone.”
Not a hello, or even a “Sorry for cutting you off,” etc. I asked her what she wanted me to do about that, and she told me that she needed financial help. Sorry, but I actually laughed, and she then went on to say that my “grandkids” had just lost their father and I could not be bothered by them.
I got so angry when she said that, and I told her very calmly that she cut ME off for no reason and asked her why she cut me off. She could not even give me a reason. I told her that I do not normally discourage people from cutting off their parents if they absolutely need to, and told her that the same goes for parents.
I told her that it cannot just be okay for one set of adults in the family to cut the other off and the other cannot. In the end, before I told her that her kids are not my responsibility, I said I do not know her kids and I have no emotional ties to them because of her. It is sad, but the way I feel about my grandkids is the way you would feel caring about random celebrity kids, and that is so sad.
I ended up telling her to please not contact me and that she chose to go no contact. I told her that I had a life, and I was not willing to bring her into that life, near her siblings, only for her to cut me and her kid siblings off whenever she felt like it, and I kindly told her not to call back. Am I the a^#%ole for not giving her money and not helping her out financially after she cut me off for six years?
The internet had some thoughts.
Sea-Operation-6123 writes:
Who sent you that random text? Did you continue to stay in contact your in-laws? Did your daughter ever tell them why she chose not to talk to you?
OP responded:
I believe it was my SIL. My daughter never told them and I made sure to tell them TO NEVER PRESSURE her to have a relationship with me. I kept in touch with my in-laws, but I’m guessing they gave my SIL my number to contact me BEFORE he left my daughter? I have not asked my ex-MIL yet but I’m sure that’s what happened.
Unhappy_Wishbone_551 says:
This story could be explained in two likely ways. The first, OP is misrepresenting herself, and the family dynamics as is done by the various types of really sh^#$y parents. The way it's written seems straight up and to the point ,but could be hiding lots of information.
Second, she was isolated by an abuser. That's entirely possible. That's what they do. The suddenness of the NC could be explained by either. Or both. With the lack of further details, I can only guess.
Front-Razzmatazz-993 says:
This is really odd. It's odd that she would just cut contact with you for no reason and it's odd that you're not even trying to find out why. I get that you said you made an effort before but she's got back in contact and you now have the chance to find out why. She could have been abused or something and your attitude is "whatever". None of this adds up, what are you not telling us?