'I cut off my best friend because my wife told me to, I hate myself for it.' UPDATED 4X

Friendship breakups used to be relegated to the theater of IRL interactions, but now, the flames of a friend breakup can spark the internet like a wildfire.

In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a man asked for advice on how to mend a friendship he abandoned. He wrote:

'I cut off my best friend because my wife told me to, I hate myself for it.'

1- I'd like advice on how to fix things with my best friend after I cut him off. 2- I'm hoping he sees this post and talks to me. My best friend started using reddit after his gf cheated on him. He said he came here for advice and it really helped him.

I know I'll get hate-filled messages for what I did but I don't care. I just want to fix things I miss him and Im worried about him. What happened- my wife and I are 25 and thinking about starting a family. I've known my best friend since we were teenagers. He grew up in the foster care system and in group homes.

He had a really terrible time of it. When I met him though he didn't let any of that change change him though. He has always been such a loyal and caring guy. We became friends from the start and we got along really well. When he turned 18 the foster parents that were looking after him kicked him out because they weren't going to receive benefits for looking after him anymore.

I told my parents and they let him live with us to finish school and afterwards so he could find a place to live and wouldn't have to go homeless. I met my now wife while I was in Uni, when we started dating and met my friends she always was a bit standoffish with him. He has always been kind to her and welcomed her wholeheartedly.

When we got married he was so excited. He did so much to help us with the wedding. Helped organise everything pretty much and even as an early wedding gift paid for some of it. A couple of months ago my wife and I started talking about kids and decided to try. Last month though she told me she didn't want him around our kids because of his childhood.

She didn't want our kids to hear about how he grew up because she thinks it'll make them sad and she wants them to not lose their innocence. He has never really been weird about his childhood. If someone asks him he is honest but he doesn't shove it down your throat or anything. I initially pushed back and refused to cut off my best friend for something he had no control over.

She was adamant that he was not going to be around our kids. She kept saying that she would not let his life make them sad. He's done incredibly well for himself. He has a stable job an apartment that is honestly nicer than ours and is incredibly caring.

She ended up giving me an ultimatum.

Him or her. She's my wife and I panicked so I chose her and told him I wouldn't he able to see him anymore and once we had our first child we would be done. He tried to reason with me and even offered to speak to my wife about it. She met with him but afterwards said it was sad but her mind was made up. So I did it I fully cut him off. After I did, a lot of our friends did the same thing.

They said they didn't want to cause any issues or start drama so they also cut him off. I told them that there wouldn't be any drama but they said what's done is done. My wife honestly seemed pleased that it had happened the way it did. I've reached out to him a couple times to see how he's doing and to make sure he's OK but he hasn't replied once.

Two nights ago I tried calling him but he's blocked my number. He doesn't have social media so I tried going to his place to talk to him but he didn't answer. I know he was home because I heard the TV on. I asked my friends if they've heard from him but he's blocked them as well. I don't know his reddit username but I can't think of anything else to do.

I miss him. I guess I've realised I want him in my life. I want my future kids to know him. I want them to look up to him the same way I do. He's an incredible person. He's never let how he grew up stop him. Always striving to be of service to those around him. I cant sleep and I can't believe I did what I did. I spoke to my wife and she said she has felt guilty for what has happened.

I can't go to his work because he works for the government and they'll never let me in the building to go to his office to talk to him. I need advice on how to make things right and see him again. My wife and I have decided we were wrong and she has said she wants to apologise for this. How can I fix this Reddit? How can I get him to talk to me again? Please help.

Also Scott if you're reading this. I'm so so sorry. I know what I did was an awful thing to do. I hate how I acted. We all miss you man. Please talk to me. I understand if you don't want to forgive me but please let me know your ok. If you don't want to be my friend anymore I would understand I just miss talking to you. I love you bro.

TL;DR: I cut off my best friend because my wife and I want to start a family and I now regret it deeply. I'll do anything to make this right. I've ready every comment and I've tried to reply to as many as I can. I appreciate where everyone is coming from. I'm going to step away for a bit and write a letter for Scott and my wife is going to do the same.

I knew I would get alot of hate and I knew the same would be directed towards my wife. I guess my second intention for the post hasn't come to fruition. I haven't heard from S yet. I hope I do though. I am grateful for your advice. Even the mean comments. Thank you.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

onehighhorse wrote:

What about your wife? Is she willing to apologize and welcome him in your lives?

OP replied:

She is, she agreed to writing a letter to him as well apologising for what she did and how she has treated him in the past. She feels awful. She admits his childhood made her uncomfortable. She has a happy family so I think she feels guilty about that. She isn't a bad person just misguided.

Klutzy-Plankton-8930 wrote:

His childhood makes her uncomfortable? Are you joking?! What happens if the kids you supposedly wants have a friend in the system? Then cut them off too?

OP replied:

I think she feels guilty because she has a full happy family and they are pretty wealthy. She is just sheltered and didn't deal with alot of turmoil growing up. I know hearing some of the stories of ab*se from his childhood made her very uncomfortable.

She never had to deal with adults hitting her or refusing to feed her. That was his childhood pretty much. She was worried he'd tell our future kids that and they'd become sad and scared of life.

darknessbeyond wrote:

Why did your friends go along with dropping him over this? That makes no sense. y’all ostracized a guy for growing up in the system?

Really? Is there more to the story you’re not telling or is the lot of you that ridiculous? For the love of god, don’t subject this guy to any of you anymore. He doesn’t need this crap in his life. Heck if I were him and any of you showed up at my house or job iId have y’all trespassed.

OP replied:

They didn't want to cause any issues. We are all friends so they didn't want it to be difficult to see everyone or hang out. They didn't want to have a party and only invite either him or myself and my wife.

So they chose to do the wrong thing like myself. In their words "it just seemed like the better option." There isn't anything else other than misguided decision-making and poor judgement on our part.

darknessbeyond wrote:

Is there some reason why they all instantly sided with you? Nobody sided with him at all? This makes zero sense.

OP replied:

From what they've said it seems they thought this was the easier option. I'm not at all happy about it and I asked them to cut us out and not him but it was too late and he had already blocked them as well.

Someone in the comments claiming to be Scott jumped in with his full ire:

NoArt7321 wrote:

Go f#$k yourself James, maybe I blocked you because you cutting me off showed me who you really are. Side note: Let's not act like Cindy didn't want me around because of my childhood. She's never liked me. I tried to be nice to her but she had made her mind up as soon as I met her. I know she didn't want me to be your best man and I know this isn't the first time she's tried to remove me from your life.

Enjoy your sh#$ty marriage. When she finally does cut you off as well don't come crying to me. Don't bother with your BS letter, I don't want it. Keep the keys to my place I'm changing the locks. I'm used to being alone, its better than putting up with either of you. Eat sh*t and die c*nt.

Scott jumped on to add another comment.

Life isn't always rosy and fun. I've been reading all the comments, it's been kind of cathartic to read James try and cover for himself and his wife while also trying to act like he cares. Only to be shut down by everyone, I know I shouldn't find joy in it but it is fun. I'll be okay, life moves forward. Onwards and upwards!

About a month later, OP jumped on with another update.

I'll be honest I wasn't sure if I was ever going to come back to reddit after my last post but I need somewhere to vent so here seems as good a place as any. My last post received probably a well deserved level of hate. I understand that I f#$ked up when I cut my friend off. I imagine anyone reading this only really cares about how he's doing so I'll start with what little I know.

We haven't spoken really. He found my post and sent me a message telling me he didn't care if I was remorseful he's done with me. He also told my parents what happened and the reasoning behind it. They were pissed to put it lightly. They've been pretty open about how much they are disappointed in me and how they are disgusted with my wife.

He hasn't really spoken to them other than to let them know what happened. My mum is heartbroken. She really loved him and now he isn't really replying to her messages. The only other thing I've really heard is that he is speaking to his ex again. She cheated on him and I know he's probably only speaking to her for some support.

I guess I'm worried he'll give her another chance and she'll hurt him again. Other than that I don't know anything. Lots of messages telling me to divorce my wife. Well you might get what you want. Our relationship has taken a massive dive off a cliff and I don't see a way to repair it. To those telling me that something must have happened between them I can only say this.

He's not that sort of person. He'd never betray someone like that. I don't know if I can say the same for my wife anymore given how she's manipulated me into ditching my best mate. But I know he's not the sort of person to participate in that. It seems she just didn't like him and wanted him gone.

She used the potential of us starting a family to make a move to remove him. So to recap - my parents hate me. My best friend won't talk to me. He's now talking to his ex who cheated on him and broke him last year. My marriage is probably broken beyond repair. I don't see any real way to fix things but I guess I'm wondering if there is any possible way to fix things with him.

If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it. I miss him more than anything.

TL;DR: My life is collapsing around me. My best friend won't talk to me. My parents hate me. My marriage is probably over. My best friend is making a huge mistake talking to his ex.

The post was quickly locked, so people were unable to comment

Meanwhile, Scott made an update on his side of things.

Firstly I want to thank everyone for the incredible comments and messages I've received over the last couple of days, I know a bunch of people are here because of a certain someone's post. I appreciate all the incredible support I've gotten since then, whether by comment or chat request.

You're all such kind people it's truly brought a tear to my eye reading them all. I am going to try and get back to them all but I've had a rough couple of days as I'm sure you can imagine, not just from reading that bs that he wrote but work has also been pretty stressful lately on top of it and I've struggled to keep up with all the notifications, please just know you're all awesome.

I'll try and make an effort to reply to everyone this weekend. Secondly, to answer some of the more common questions I've received lately. I have no intention of letting James or his friends back into my life. As my mantra goes, "they made their decision, so I'm going to make mine."

I'm moving on with my life, albeit alone but that's life sometimes. Secondly part 2, I'm not much of a gamer but I am seriously considering getting more into it and I'm so appreciative of all the comments and messages offering to "squad up" for some games.

I'm not at that point just yet, but please know when I am I have alot of people who I owe a message about that and I am going to try and at least get a game in with each of you if you'll let me. And finally, I know that while I may not have many "real life" friends. I have what seems like an entire army worth of reddit friends which given my experience so far I prefer wholeheartedly.

You guys are truly the best. I'm not going to go on much more because I'm exhausted and have work early tomorrow but once again THANK YOU ALL! Please stay safe and keep being the incredible, kind, heart-warming, empathetic people that you are. You are all truly legends and I wish I could thank and hug each of you in person. You guys really made a dark time for me feel a little brighter.

The support continued to pour in.

CoffeeandCats2000 wrote:

James, Cindy, and there friends are garbage. You are so much better off without that toxicity in your life. I hope they never have kids they would make awful parents.

Also you will meet people if your go to meet ups and find Shared hobbies. You have to put your self out there though. I hope everything work out for you.

Scott responded:

I guess we'll see if they actually have kids, I hope they don't honestly. I've never really liked her but I was blown away by James being such a spineless dick. Work has kept me pretty busy but I am planning on doing some more stuff when I have time. Thank you for your kind words.

NoCartographer9950 wrote:

Honestly you're doing amazing!! Fk them don't listen to anyone who says "just forgive your best mate bc you'll regret it" that's a whole lot of bulls**t. I really do hope you do manage to make more friends!! If you do need any irl friends feel free to reach out! You deserve happiness!

Scott responded:

Thank you so much, I'm doing OK right now. Work has kept me pretty busy these last couple of days which I'm weirdly appreciative of. I'm not going to let what they did go, I'll be just fine without them.

Electric_ghost24 wrote:

I’m a bit late to the party here but keep your head up! You don’t need their toxic a**es in your life anyway. Your ex best friend and the lot of them made their beds and now there’s no helping the situation they put themselves in. I’m not is Aus but you do got my support from coming from the US.

I saw in another comment you made that you’re on PC, and while I’m on Xbox, I can definitely say that I’ve met some pretty good friends over gaming.

It’s a bit different than IRL friends but it’s nice knowing that people out there have your back and now I got it too. James and the rest of those idiots can f**k right off. Who needs friends like that when you have all of these new internet friends? Good luck dude!

Scott responded:

Thanks for the support man, I'm doing OK right now. Just trying to get everything at work sorted. Yeah I've gotta get around to playing some games, need to find that motivation to actually sit down and really give it a go.

I've played some over the last couple of days (someone on here recommended Elden Ring and I've been enjoying that). I need to actually take the plunge on a multiplayer game though so I can take some redditors up on their offers to play.

A few months later, Scott shared yet another update on his end.

I guess I just want to clear the air here, I want everyone to know I've read all your messages and comments. I firstly appreciate everyone who has sent me a message or has commented, this has all become a little overwhelming. I now have 50+ chat requests most of which offering support, and that's awesome.

I guess I just want to put a lid on all of this because I have felt a bit like it's all a bit much right now. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad because I know 99% of you are just trying to be supportive but it's gotten a little out of hand now. It's made me feel a little skeptical of whether or not messages are coming in truly for support or just people looking for more drama.

So I'm making this post to put an end to it all, for my own mental health. I've had a bunch of messages asking me to talk to James' parents, I for a while didn't reply to their messages or calls. I felt awkward because they're obviously his parents and I'm the kid they let live with them.

I have now though and I'm glad I did, its definitely a more tepid relationship then before but it's OK. James' mum has always been a big support person for myself so it's good to talk to her again. She used to sit with me when I'd have nightmares and talk about them with me till I fell asleep again so she'll always have a big place in my heart.

I've been having them again more recently I haven't had the heart to tell her yet, I'm just hoping they'll stop so I don't have to, I don't want her to worry. As for my ex, I don't want to get into that too much. We were talking for a bit but that has stopped, I was lonely and felt vulnerable. I'm no longer talking to her, so no worry there. To the people telling me to forgive James for what he did, yeah, no f#$k off.

He's a grown ass man, he made his decision. I don't care if he was "manipulated" by his wife, he chose to cut me off. He watched me beg him to change his mind and he still decided to act like a c*nt. With some hindsight I've also noticed our relationship since high school has been very one sided. I'm not looking to do that again, he can enjoy the bed he made.

I really don't want to have to get into this again so I am asking that if James makes another bs post claiming his life is a mess please don't bring it to me. I don't care what's going on in his life, I don't care if he gets divorced or has kids. He's on his own, it's about time he gets an understanding on how that feels.

I am going to say this as well, I'm sorry but I probably won't reply to everyone's messages or comments. It's hard enough keeping up with the people who have been messaging I'm not going to add 50+ other people to that stress. Please know I appreciate the messages but I'm not some superhuman who can keep up with unlimited messages and people.

I'm used to having 10 friends at most this has all been a little overwhelming. I'm hoping I don't come off as a huge c*nt in this post but I'm also pretty skeptical that everyone who has messaged me actually cares. That's a foster kids mindset for you though, I'm not used to people actually caring so that's that. Also side note, I appreciate everyone who has asked me if I'd like to meet for a beer or whatever.

That is truly kind of you but I'm not in the habit of actually meeting people who reach out to me online. I can see you're coming from a place of love but I'm also pretty attached to my kidneys and other non vital organs so I'd rather not risk it. I don't wanna wake up in a bathtub full of ice, no offense but I feel like I should air on the side of caution in this situation.

Thank you all for being so kind. Please don't hate me for this post, just felt the need to get this one out. I've struggled with whether or not to make it for a bit, once again hopefully I don't come off looking like a c*nt. Please take care and keep being kind people, I appreciate you guys.

Edit- I've just noticed there is a decent amount of swearing in this, apologies for that, I'm Aussie and that word doesn't mean a great deal here. I know it can be a little jarring on the delicate ears of yanks, so sorry about that. I'm not leaving reddit or anything, I'm just over this s***t with James. Had a couple of people ask me, just wanted to clear that up.

People were happy to hear Scott's doing well.

ShaneChalker wrote:

The title of the post makes it abundantly clear how overwhelmed you are. I am glad you are talking again with James's mom. I hope that relationship grows.

You are the kind of guy I wish I was friends with, so yeah, f**k James for cutting you off.

Confictura_22 wrote:

You sound like a lovely guy who was dealt a s**t hand. My heart hurt for you reading James' post, and then reading yours just solidified what a complete arsehole he was to you. There are a lot of crap people and users out there, but when you find genuine people who will be there for you too, you'll slowly be able to build up a new friend group of actual good ones!

Maybe try volunteering? It might help you find others with good hearts. Best of luck and hang in there. Life is hard, but there are other good people out there, it just takes time to find them.

ETA: Hey, a fellow Melburnian! I don't drink but happy to grab a coffee in the CBD sometime if you want. Promise not to steal your kidneys if you don't steal mine ;) I'm a 29yo woman, married, big reader, into arts and crafts, working on a chemistry PhD. Feel free to shoot me a DM (or chat request but I only check those every couple weeks) if you ever feel like it :)

Scott responded:

I'd love to do more volunteering but I find with my job I don't get a great deal of time for stuff like that, or at least not enough to put as much effort and time into it as I'd like. I appreciate the offer but I'll have to decline. Thank you regardless but like I said in the post I'm not in the habit of meeting people from the internet. It is incredibly kind nonetheless, I hope you have an incredible day.

CrazyCatLadyForeva wrote:

Love that you’re making the decisions that are good for you and your mental health! You’re deserve some peace after all this drama and some actual friends to enjoy life with. Stay strong!

Scott responded:

I guess we'll see what happens, thank you for the kind words.

While the original OP is likely still struggling with the consequences of his actions, it looks like Scott is thriving in the aftermath.