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'I had to cut off my mother because she wouldn’t follow basic safety rules with my kids. AITA?'

'I had to cut off my mother because she wouldn’t follow basic safety rules with my kids. AITA?'

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"AITAH? I had to cut off my mother because she wouldn’t follow basic safety rules with my kids."

I am the oldest of 3. I got married first and had kids first. My mother loves the in-ground pool in the back yard. She offered to babysit when my first was born, and because we both worked, we were happy to have free child care. This went okay for 1 year. When my daughter was 2, and mom had just opened the pool, I reminded her: "do not put the baby in the pool."

"You just opened it yesterday and it is not heated. The water is too cold." Mom agreed and I went to work. (PS. Mom is obese, and has a lot of body fat that helps her regulate in cold water. The baby had very little). When I got home they were both in the pool and the baby was shivering.

We argue. “I bought her this little swim suit, and she was so cute in it, we had to swim.” Mom said she wasn’t cold, but the baby got sick. At 3 years old, my daughter was having food allergies. When I dropped my daughter off, I explained that she is having food allergies, we don’t know what from,and the Pediatrician has her on a strict elimination diet, slowly adding foods to find which ones she is allergic to.

Dr orders: do not feed her anything unless it is in this lunch basket. Prescribed diet only! Mom agrees

When I get home, they are eating cookies and cake. Mom says “grandmas are supposed to spoil grand kids."

At 4 years old, my mom lost the child in the store while shopping. A week later my wife loses her in a store. A month after that I also lose her in Walmart and ask security for help. They call the authorities, who lock down the Walmart and start a lost child search. (we found her hiding inside the camouflage jackets in sporting goods, which really, when you think about it, is a good hiding spot).

So when I had a dinner invitation to meet with the VP and my boss to discuss promotion options and moving bonus, I told mom no shopping. She agreed, explaining that in addition to the 4 year old, she was caring for an senior / Alzheimer’s patient family member.

When I arrived, mom is getting herself and the senior ready to go out. She asks for the car seat. We argue about that for several minutes. She says I have to go to my important meeting, so I don’t have a choice. Give me the car seat. I called my boss, asked forgiveness and canceled dinner, ‘due to a small family emergency.' The job offer was rescinded the next day.

Dad refuses to discuss it. I go no contact.

Mom tells the entire family/ friends/ neighbors/ church that I refuse to see her for no reason. So. 4 questions:

AITAH for going no contact?

AITAH for trying to talk it out for months? AITAH for keeping no contact unless she apologizes and promises to change behavior?

(She pulled the same food stunt on my brother’s kid and my sister’s kids years later)

4. The 4-year-old daughter is now 17! I have 2 more kids that she barely ever met. AITAH for keeping no contact unless mom agrees to discuss her behavior, apologize, and change the behavior.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Sweetbabe1x wrote:

You know, if there was an Olympic sport for ignoring basic safety rules, your mom would be a gold medalist.

OP responded:

1 gold and 2 bronze. My siblings have not cut her off yet, But they limit how much freedom she has with them. She has retired from competition now, and is coaching other entitled boomers into selfish heights and parenting lows.

davekayus wrote:

I mean, she was terrible at childcare, but every time she stepped over a boundary, you went back. Her surprise is genuine, since how was she to know you meant it that time?

OP responded:

You are 100 percent right.
We did discuss that this was not acceptable, but I was stupid enough to think my mother would be responsible in the future. Silly me.

cybercutiepiexoxo wrote:

Honestly, you're just protecting your kids and setting boundaries, which is so important. It sounds like your mom doesn’t respect your authority as a parent and that’s a huge issue. Going no contact was probably the best choice, especially if she won’t take responsibility for her actions. #Boundaries #ParentingFirst

MysticalFairycharm wrote:

You’re NTA for cutting off contact with your mom. She repeatedly disregarded important rules for your kids’ safety and well-being, despite your clear instructions. It sounds like you’ve made every effort to communicate your concerns, and her behavior is reckless and selfish.

It’s completely reasonable to set boundaries and protect your children, even if that means going no contact. For the second question, trying to talk things out for months shows you gave her a chance, and it seems like she didn’t make any meaningful changes. As for the third question, holding out for an apology and a promise to change is valid.

You’re not being unreasonable by demanding an apology before reopening communication, especially given how serious her behavior was. Lastly, it’s your choice whether to maintain contact, but keeping it conditional on her taking responsibility is entirely fair. You’ve tried to be patient, and your priority should be your family’s safety and mental health.

Overall_Round9846 wrote:

NTA. Your mother sounds very unhinged and should not be around kids. Was she this bad when you and your siblings were kids?

OP responded:

Nope. Wonderful parents. But mom was always in control. She did not cope well when each of us grew up and started making decisions on our own.

MageVicky wrote:

I don't understand this post, you went no contact when your child was 4 and they're now 17? why post now? Your children are almost adults, as teenagers they're old enough now to advocate for themselves. What behavior are you looking for her to change after more than 10 years?

She's not going to. Either get over it, and make contact again, considering your kids are no longer helpless children that need minding, or just never see her again. Feels a bit dramatic to me, you could have just told her "no more babysitting/ no more hanging out with my kids by yourself" instead of going no contact, but I only know what you told us here.

OP responded:

You understand perfectly. And I believe you are correct. I need to get over loosing them, but I miss my dad. My kids are strong and self reliant and brave. I am considering letting my parents back into our lives, but I want your opinion.

Sources: Reddit
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