When I was sixteen, my family adopted three girls from my high school. Their mom died, they had no other family, and they were about to be taken by CPS. I was close with one of them and saw firsthand the things they went through, including substance issues and being taking advantage of by adults. My parents helped them with everything: school, college, cars, and apartments. They truly treated them like family.
Now we are all in our late twenties, and the sisters have mostly drifted away. They rarely visit or reach out. My mom is hurt and feels used. I think it is sad, but I also understand it. They never asked for a new family. They were thrown into ours during a traumatic time, and now that they are adults, they want space. I do not think kindness should require a perfect return.
My girlfriend is close with my mom and has absorbed her frustration. She dislikes the sisters even though she has only met them twice. Today her employer mentioned knowing the sisters in high school and said they were rude. I said that two had that reputation but the third was well liked. That was it.
My girlfriend immediately asked why I always defend them, why I am so protective, and why I cannot admit they were ungrateful. When I tried to explain that I saw what they lived through, she mocked me. She said, “Oh boo hoo, did you have to protect them?” and eventually, “Are you in love with them?”
That accusation really bothered me. I am not in love with any of them, and the fact that she jumped to that made me feel ridiculous for even trying to be understanding. It also feels like she enjoys hearing negative things about them, which makes no sense given how little she knows them.
The argument lasted all day and escalated. I ended up calling her insecure, unreasonable, and pathetic, among other hurtful things, which I regret, but I felt like she was gaslighting me. Now she says I am ruining our relationship because I am “defending a sister I am in love with.”
I honestly do not know how we got here. I am not obsessed with the sisters. I just do not blame them for distancing themselves, and I do not think what my family did for them means they owe us lifelong loyalty. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
FairyCompetent says:
NTA. I wouldn't want to continue a relationship with someone who would revel in unkindness towards people she barely knows, especially when all she knows is they had a very difficult life. Sounds like maybe she's a lot like your mom, though, so maybe that's part of the attraction; she feels familiar already.
Not in a weird way, but a lot of us end up in early relationships with people who are like our parents, especially if those parents have difficult pieces to their personalities. It's like we're trying to prove either we or they weren't that bad. Anyway, she's unkind and you should think about that.
OP responded:
She and my mom definitely have some personality overlap.
Pookie1688 says:
Don't date an unkind person.
OP responded:
This post paints her in a pretty bad light. She is typically one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, which is why this especially rubbed me the wrong way. Feels very out of character.