Busy wife questions why 10 minutes of privacy in the shower feels like too much to ask. AITA?
"AITA for telling the hubby that I deserve not to be bothered in the bathroom?"
I’m (52f) married for 25 years to Paul (52m). We both work full time and I work a second job as well. I love him, adore him and he is a very good husband, but I think at times he’s tone deaf to the things around him. We have two kids and we have a completely over scheduled life. I’m broke, stressed and trying to keep everything and everyone run smoothly.
Last week I was taking a quick shower and in the 10 minutes I was in the bathroom the hubby interrupted twice with something that could have been addressed when I get out. I have zero free time to myself. The only time I have is the 10 minutes I allow myself in the shower to take a deep breath or cry or listen to music.
When I got out of the shower I got dressed and sat him down and explained to him. I need a few minutes to myself. We don’t live in an instant world, you can wait for an answer for when I get out. Text me if you don’t want forget something.
He answer back was “are you implying that I can’t bother you in the bathroom?” It seems like a foreign concept to him. He grew up in a he house where everybody banged on the door while you were in the bathroom. So, I screamed, "HOLY ****!!!! I’m not implying it. I’m screaming it. I need to be left alone for few minutes a day and I deserve that!!"
His response was, no problem, I won’t bother you even if there’s a fire in the house. Are you effing kidding me?!?! do I need to clarify that you should bother me in essential emergencies?
What am I missing? I’m not allowed to shut the bathroom door and have a few minutes to myself. I’m not taking a bubble bath. I’m not watching TV, I’m taking a shower. I’m in and out.
I put my make up on in the car and look like a hot mess all the time because I don’t have time for myself. All I’m asking is not to be bothered in the shower that’s it. Today we had a similar argument.
I don’t understand why I don’t deserve a little bit of respect and a little bit of boundaries . I told him if I polled 1000 people I can’t imagine that people would think that’s ok.
There has to be a time where I say this belongs to me. Well, here’s my poll….AITA for thinking I deserve a few minutes in the shower/bathroom to myself without interruptions?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA I bet he gets to go to the bathroom and shower in peace.
Antsamsmom25 (OP)
Absolutely!!! I would never bother him in the bathroom ever. It wouldn’t even dawn on me.
NTA he's a child if he can't understand that you need to leave people alone sometimes, especially if they're in the bathroom.
It has been 25 years. How has your husband not been trained yet? The environment you were raised in becomes pretty irrelevant by the time you are in your 50’s.
Antsamsmom25 (OP)
In 2025 I need to make changes. I have allowed everyone in my life have an instant world. my job my parents, my personal life. And when I have the nerve to push back, they seem surprised.
Setting boundaries tends to reveal who the people in your life really are. Be prepared for backlash. Be prepared to lose relationships. This is a tough, but necessary path. You are worth it. You can do this. And remember: you are better off whole and healthy than being torn in a million directions by people trying to take advantage of you that are supposed to support you.
Oh my god.
I would be sitting on the edge of the tub going over taxes and the grocery list while he was trying to take a dump...
Mate. You have been doing this for 25yrs. He’s taking a leaf out of the narcissists playbook with his I won’t even bother you if there’s a fire comment. The fact you even have to ask. NTA.
NTA. Hey Hubby? Guy to guy, don’t be a jerk about this. Give the woman you love 10, or even 15, minutes to herself. That’s not a huge ask, is it? Our world isn’t going to fail if the wife has just a moment to catch her breath. Honest! It’s a good thing for all the household. Do this with grace and without an attitude like it’s an imposition. It’s not.
Antsamsmom25 (OP)
Is it weird that I’m crying? lol. I love him and I know he loves me, but I think that me being always available to everyone is now just what is learned/expected.
NTA. My hubby does things like this too. I ignore him and don't answer. THat is the key. Then when he says "why didn't you answer?" I tell him. Over and over. My pet peeve is yelling up the stairs vs. coming up to ask something. I have finally trained him to call on the phone if he doesn't want to come up.
THe problem is you've been married 25 years. (I've been married 35 years). They get in these narcissistic habits that are hard to change (especially if you never said anything before or used to let it go.) So now they are baffled. As I get older, I actually have less patience so I am doing alot more retraining. It's working though slow.
Antsamsmom25 (OP)
I decided that 2025 is going to be the year I speak up. I’ve allowed everyone in my world to have way too much of me. I need to make changes for me.
Let it be the year you start running yourself long candle-lit baths too. You deserve some downtime. You are not paid staff to be available at the instant beck and call of all around you. Lock the bathroom door, run the bath and explain you are practicing self-care. Period!