'AITA for not complimenting my husband for doing the bare minimum because he's a man?'
"AITA for not complimenting my husband when he does chores around the house?"
georgiapeach31 says:
My husband and I (36M, 29F) both work full-time, contribute to groceries, and share chores around the house. There are certain tasks we each tend to handle that could be considered "our" chores, but that doesn’t mean one of us couldn’t do the other’s task if needed.
I usually start work later in the day and finish much later, whereas he starts early and finishes earlier. Last night, I worked until 9 p.m. and came home so exhausted that I went straight to the couch and sat down. He was standing in the kitchen, chatting with me, asking about my day, and so on.
Then he said, “Do you notice anything?” I looked around and replied, “…no?” He said, “I cleaned the kitchen!” (Something I do 9/10 times, which is fine because the kitchen is my space to relax—I genuinely enjoy cooking, cleaning, and having an organized kitchen.)
This is where I felt a little bad because I chuckled and said, “Oh, well, there wouldn’t have been much to clean because I cleaned the kitchen this morning before I left for work!” He seemed a bit put off by that comment. “Well… I unloaded the dishwasher and washed the frying pan in the sink!”
At that point, I doubled down on my “confusion” and, admittedly, pettiness. For some reason, it bothered me that he was fishing for a compliment for something I do daily without expecting or needing praise. I replied, “Oh, I also unloaded AND loaded the dishwasher and washed all your breakfast dishes by hand this morning.” He started stomping off, saying, “You could have just said you were proud of me.”
Now I was grumpy because the whole interaction felt childish. “Well, are YOU proud of ME?!” I asked. He responded, “That’s not the point. I just tried to do something nice for you, and you’re not even grateful.”
So, AITAH for refusing to just say thank you? I feel like I should clarify: we DO tell each other daily how much we appreciate one another and the things we do. I thank him often for the things he does.
For example, I often work later than he does, and even though cooking is my way to relax, sometimes I just don’t feel like it. On those days, I’ll come home to a cooked meal, and I always praise him for things like that because, as many of you have pointed out, these things are important.
But the interaction we had last night was so UNCHARACTERISTIC of him that I doubted my reaction and genuinely wondered if I was out of line. Yes, I could have been less petty, but I found it so silly that he needed a compliment for something that was already 98% done.
My reaction was one of, “Are you serious? 😂😂” But then he got defensive, and things escalated. We’ll have a conversation today, and I’m sure it will be resolved.
Here are the top rated comments:
Anxious_Reporter_601 says:
NTA. Why would you praise him for basic chores that you both have to do to maintain your living space? He didn't even clean the kitchen! He washed one frying pan!
rockology_adam says:
NAH. Unless you think your husband did the work out of pettiness or to make you feel bad, then what he did was something he thought would be helpful after you had a late day at work. Even if we think fishing for a compliment here is cringy, it's not A-holery.
He wasn't looking for compliments for doing a chore, he was looking for appreciation for doing something for you. Those are different things, even if you don't see it in the moment.
Antique_Pop1519 says:
NTA. But some side advice: My husband and I make it a practice to thank each other daily. Sometimes it's immediately when a chores is done. "Oh wow thanks for doing the dishes!" Or sometimes on busy days at the end of the day.
"Thanks for everything you did today, I appreciate you." My husband and I both have words of affirmation in our love language. So this is just a way to make each other feel valued and seen. Everyone wants to feel appreciated, and everyone deserves to feel appreciated by their partner. Both of you deserve to hear thank you!
LowBalance4404 says:
NTA. He doesn't get a pat on the head for washing a frying pan that he clearly used. Every time you do a chore, ask him if he notices anything.