'WIBTA if I didn't do what my mother promised to someone on my behalf?'
"WIBTA if I didn't do what my mother promised to someone on my behalf?"
Immediate-Plane7594
Context: I (39F)'m low contact with my family. I'm an artist - not famous, but I have some recognition in my field. My family were not very supportive of my career choice until I started becoming successful and other people praised me.
So I'm a bit sour now that my mother (63F) is trying to get involved in my career, especially because she does things behind my back that I don't approve of. E.g., I gave her some free prints of my work, thinking she wanted to give them to friends.
A few months later she asked me if I had more, because she'd already sold the ones she'd got. I was mortified because these were free prints: I got them for free to give away (and she knew that) and I gave them to her for free and she decided to make money off them. So obviously I didn't give her more prints.
Now, she has apparently promised someone a print signed by me. And she told me this (on the phone): she knows I’m going to be mad but she already did it, so I need to sign a print and send it to them. So I ask her why she did it when she knew it would upset me. Her response: I wasn't thinking.
This has been her response to anything I've called her out on for years. She never apologises, she just says it's not her fault that she did something without thinking about it, and she then blames me for being angry, because it hurts her. Also she's not senile, but she keeps forgetting when I ask her not to do something (this is not the first time she went behind my back and did sth like this).
I wasn't buying her excuse and she told me that she hadn't actually promised it to the person 100%, she'd just said she could probably get it for them. She ended up crying, so I caved in and said that while I'm not giving her another free print, if she can buy one and get it to me (I live in a different city), I'll sign it for them.
However, the exchange between my mother and that person was on facebook on a public post. And I found it. And she lied to me. The person (who knows she's my mother) asks if there's a chance I might sign the print and my mother replies: "Sure :)" So she actually did promise it without asking me if it was okay.
So I got upset again. Just to be clear, I don't have an issue with signing that print for someone, I'd do it if I was normally asked. It just really bothers me that to my mother I don't seem to deserve any consideration.
So I'm conflicted, because I know what she’s doing is emotional manipulation and I don't want to give in, but also that person who asked for a signature did it in good faith and was promised something I don't mind giving.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
LouisV25
NTA. It is time for you to stand your ground. Tell her no. Tell her that you will no longer send her your art or sign your art for her because she refuses to respect you enough to have a conversation with you first. At some point she needs to see you and respect you as an adult and you need to stand up to yourself as an adult.
Firm-Molasses-4913
NTA The only way to stop this pattern is to STOP capitulating to her. So I agree she or they can buy the item and get it to you to sign. Don’t make this happen for her. She puts in all the effort.
As well have one final conversation with her, or an email, and tell her you will no longer honour obligations she makes on your behalf. If she “forgets” you will remind her! And it will be on her to fix any misunderstanding. If she asks some version of “well what are you going to do?” your answer is “Nothing. This is for you to fix / explain yourself / apologize etc.”
Every time you accommodate her you are teaching her to continue. Don’t get mad. This is very important because she’s using that against you. Calmly refer back to your original email. If she has to clean up messes or clear up a misunderstanding she will stop because that will be stressful for her.
To_Serve_Is_To_Rule
NTA at all. I've been through a similar experience twice - someone volunteering me to draw their neighbour's dog, and someone volunteering me to fix their cousin's computer problem.
My answer on both occasions was a firm no, and making it clear to the people volunteering me to never, ever speak for my time or hobbies again. Like you say, it's not that you're not willing to grant the favour - you just want to do it on your own terms.
btxglspl
NTA. There are several ways to handle this, but the first step is in knowing that your mother is being inconsiderate. You deserve to be treated with more respect. With that said, life is short, and your mom seems proud of what you’ve become. Maybe it’s worth accepting her disrespect as long as it’s a veiled compliment. Indeed, she was complimenting your work by engaging one of your fans.
heyzion
NTA. Don't let her manipulate her, be firm and say NO.
Ducky818
Your mother seems to think this is a hobby while it is your career. Don't give her anything for free. If she promises free items (or anything from you) to others, that is HER problem. Don't let her make it your problem. She is a manipulator and guilt-tripper and will use the crocodile tears if necessary to get what she wants.
NoArt1475
Nta. You need to grow a backbone and start saying no. You keep setting boundaries and then letting your mom walk through them. And you take it! Stop being your own worst enemy and say "no!" Your mom knows you're a pushover, and she will continue to do this forever. After all, she's making money off your weakness. Stop the madness.