'AITA if I didn't get my bougie boyfriend a birthday gift this year?'
"AITA for not getting my boyfriend a birthday present?"
International-East63 writes:
My boyfriend (33M) and I (25F) have been together for eight months. I’m putting myself through school and working toward getting my third degree. Because of this, I’m super broke and try to save money in every way I can. My boyfriend is established in his career and has disposable income, so we have very different spending habits. Our finances are completely separate.
His birthday was last week, but I didn’t get him a physical gift because everything he truly wants or needs is way outside my budget. Instead, I woke up very early to make him a big, special breakfast: French toast, eggs, bacon, and coffee, which I brought to him in bed. He’s the type to work even on his birthday, so I also made him a packed lunch with grilled chicken, pesto, mozzarella, veggies, and rice on the side.
While he was at work, I cleaned his entire house. I swept, dusted, mopped, picked up, and organized. Then I made his favorite dinner, penne vodka, and planned a movie night with all his favorite films.
When he got home, I gave him a handwritten birthday card before we ate dinner and watched the movies. I also organized a surprise party for him that weekend with his friends and family, which I also cleaned up afterward. I thought he had a great time, but yesterday he admitted he felt upset and unimportant because I didn’t get him an actual present.
I reminded him about my financial situation. He said it wasn’t about the cost of the gift, but the gesture of giving something, even if it was small. I asked if everything else I did wasn’t enough of a gesture, and he said that wasn’t the point. Now we’re both upset with each other. So, am I the a&$^ole for not getting my boyfriend a physical birthday present?
OP added some context:
I see a lot of people talking about love languages and communication. I agree, those are super important. My love language is actually physical touch, not acts of service like many people are guessing.
I know his love language is gift-giving, so I thought a handmade card would be enough along with everything else I did. I’m just confused and upset because I really tried to go above and beyond, especially since my budget constraints meant I couldn’t buy him a gift that wasn’t from the dollar store.
I liked the comments about crafting gifts. I think those are good alternatives, and I’ll talk to my boyfriend about that to see what he thinks. I hope this is just a communication issue. A lot of people are also asking why I didn’t use the money I spent on food for a gift instead.
The food I made came from my regular grocery budget. It’s money I would have spent anyway; I just tailored it to include his favorite things. I also used a small portion of what he already had in the fridge. My budget was, and still is, very tight.
Here are some of the responses to OP.
joefunk76 writes:
NTA. A 33 year old man with disposable income expecting his financially struggling girlfriend to buy him a toy for his birthday like he’s a little kid is kind of messed up. The time and effort you put into his birthday was above and beyond. His reaction to that is a figurative slap in the face. It is such a bad reaction that it calls his character into question.
Tall-Payment-8015 says:
NTA. Your approach shows that you put in great thought and consideration and did all that you could for him despite your financial situation. I would prefer that to a physical gift. You even threw him a party.
You made great efforts and he noticed what was missing. He's 33. Think carefully before you continue this relationship. Will anything be good enough or will he always focus on the one thing he didn't like? You have your whole life ahead of you and you should center yourself.
Scam_likely90 says:
Breakfast in bed. A party you planned and paid for. Special lunch. Special dinner. Favorite movies that you gathered together and cared enough to even remember. Yet, none of that was a physical gift? Oof. You need to dump this loser quick.
ambersloves says:
I’m a married woman, and I want you to be my girlfriend! You put so much time and effort into his birthday, and he disregarded your efforts. Your boyfriend is an unappreciative jerk. NTA, but he sure is.