'AITA for not getting my boyfriend a birthday present?' UPDATED
"AITA for not getting my boyfriend a birthday present?"
My boyfriend (33M) and I (25F) have been together for eight months. I’m putting myself through school and working toward getting my third degree. Because of this, I’m super broke and try to save money in every way I can. My boyfriend is established in his career and has disposable income, so we have very different spending habits. Our finances are completely separate.
His birthday was last week, but I didn’t get him a physical gift because everything he truly wants or needs is way outside my budget. Instead, I woke up very early to make him a big, special breakfast: French toast, eggs, bacon, and coffee, which I brought to him in bed. He’s the type to work even on his birthday, so I also made him a packed lunch with grilled chicken, pesto, mozzarella, veggies, and rice on the side.
While he was at work, I cleaned his entire house. I swept, dusted, mopped, picked up, and organized. Then I made his favorite dinner, penne vodka, and planned a movie night with all his favorite films.
When he got home, I gave him a handwritten birthday card before we ate dinner and watched the movies. I also organized a surprise party for him that weekend with his friends and family, which I also cleaned up afterward. I thought he had a great time, but yesterday he admitted he felt upset and unimportant because I didn’t get him an actual present.
I reminded him about my financial situation. He said it wasn’t about the cost of the gift, but the gesture of giving something, even if it was small. I asked if everything else I did wasn’t enough of a gesture, and he said that wasn’t the point. Now we’re both upset with each other. So, am I the a&$^ole for not getting my boyfriend a physical birthday present?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
joefunk76 writes:
NTA. A 33 year old man with disposable income expecting his financially struggling girlfriend to buy him a toy for his birthday like he’s a little kid is kind of messed up. The time and effort you put into his birthday was above and beyond. His reaction to that is a figurative slap in the face. It is such a bad reaction that it calls his character into question.
Tall-Payment-8015 says:
NTA. Your approach shows that you put in great thought and consideration and did all that you could for him despite your financial situation. I would prefer that to a physical gift. You even threw him a party.
You made great efforts and he noticed what was missing. He's 33. Think carefully before you continue this relationship. Will anything be good enough or will he always focus on the one thing he didn't like? You have your whole life ahead of you and you should center yourself.
Scam_likely90 says:
Breakfast in bed. A party you planned and paid for. Special lunch. Special dinner. Favorite movies that you gathered together and cared enough to even remember. Yet, none of that was a physical gift? Oof. You need to dump this loser quick.
ambersloves says:
I’m a married woman, and I want you to be my girlfriend! You put so much time and effort into his birthday, and he disregarded your efforts. Your boyfriend is an unappreciative jerk. NTA, but he sure is.
Later OP made this edit:
I see a lot of people talking about love languages and communication. I agree, those are super important. My love language is actually physical touch, not acts of service like many people are guessing.
I know his love language is gift-giving, so I thought a handmade card would be enough along with everything else I did. I’m just confused and upset because I really tried to go above and beyond, especially since my budget constraints meant I couldn’t buy him a gift that wasn’t from the dollar store.
I liked the comments about crafting gifts. I think those are good alternatives, and I’ll talk to my boyfriend about that to see what he thinks. I hope this is just a communication issue. A lot of people are also asking why I didn’t use the money I spent on food for a gift instead.
The food I made came from my regular grocery budget. It’s money I would have spent anyway; I just tailored it to include his favorite things. I also used a small portion of what he already had in the fridge. My budget was, and still is, very tight.
About 8 months later OP posted this, "AIO about my bf’s underwhelming present?":
I (26F) posted to AITA in June about my boyfriend’s (33M) birthday. Long story short: I’m a broke grad student. So, for my bf’s birthday I cooked him three special meals, deep cleaned his house, made him a card, curated his favorites for a movie night, and organized a surprise party.
He was upset I didn’t get him a physical gift to open even though my budget is very tight because of school (server job keeps me afloat while I take classes and work an unpaid fellowship).
So, my birthday was last week. When we first got together, we had only been dating for a couple months and were not very serious, so we just had dinner to celebrate. This year, though, when he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told him I wanted an experience.
I’m not that into gifts, especially if they’re not something useful. If I’m going to spend money on something, I want to get a lot of use out of it to justify the expense. I like memories and new experiences more anyway. I basically told him to pretend like it was our first date and he was trying to impress me.
When he asked me what I meant, I gave him some suggestions (a cool coffee shop or ice cream place that was far enough away to require a mini roadtrip with curated playlists, trivia night at a weird themed bar with cool drinks, a museum crawl with funky exhibits, I basically gave him a map). He said okay and I started to get excited about what he might plan.
Well, when my birthday came around he didn’t tell me about any plans. It was during the week, and I wasn’t expecting him to take the day off work, but I thought maybe he had a day set aside during that weekend or next.
I was wrong. I went to his place after he got home from work and he kissed me, gave me flowers and a box, and said happy birthday. The box had a necklace in it, very pretty, but very not my thing unfortunately. Plus it was silver. I don’t wear silver jewelry. I wear gold jewelry.
I guess he noticed my disappointment because he asked what was wrong. I told him the necklace and flowers were beautiful, but not what I was expecting. He replied that the necklace was expensive and he put a lot of thought into choosing it.
I asked him why he would explicitly ask me what I wanted for my birthday if he wasn’t going to listen. Then he said “It sucks to be blindsided and disappointed on your birthday, huh?”
That hurt a lot. We’re in very different financial situations. I’m a student with an unpaid internship. He’s settled in his career with disposable income. And when I asked what he wanted for his birthday, he said he would love whatever I ended up getting him, even if it was tiny, so I had nothing to go on.
It feels like he asked me what I wanted so he could do something completely different and make me feel bad because I accidentally made him feel bad on his birthday. Does that sound off the mark? Am I being hypocritical because of how he felt on his birthday? Am I overreacting about my birthday?
2 days later OP added this to the post:
Update: First, thank you so much to everyone who opened my eyes to the emotional abuse of his actions. There were a lot of little things I overlooked in our relationship that were super not okay in retrospect, and I really needed someone to give me perspective, so thank you.
Second, some of the comments out here had me feeling like a snob for turning my nose up at something so expensive. Sure, it wasn’t my style, but he tried and he spent money on me with the intention of giving me a luxury item I couldn’t get myself, right?
WRONG.
I brought it back to the store this morning (I had the gift receipt) with the intention to return the money to my now ex boyfriend (even if we were still together, I would feel uncomfortable with someone spending so much money on me— after all, I was told it was real silver). Turns out it was silver plated lmfao. Cost about $18. I know this term is overused online, but that was the textbook definition of gaslighting.
After our argument, we decided to “take some time apart” and it didn’t feel right to keep such an expensive gift, especially if we weren’t together. It went from taking time apart to broken up the moment the clerk told me it was fake silver. I ended up keeping the necklace just so I could drop it off to him in an envelope with the $18 cash. It puts a bit of a stitch in my grocery budget for the week, but fully worth it.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone like this. It would constantly be a tally over everything.
8 years older than her with a career extra money and he's that cheap? Ugh that's terrible! If he wanted a gift knowing she's broke he should've given her some cash to get him something instead.
He could have at least taken her out to dinner for her birthday as an experience.
Instead he waited months until her birthday just to get revenge. Sounds like a winner.
This is called a "RED FLAG". If someone cooked and cleaned my entire house, that would make my year!!! NOR
I had to double check the dates. She stayed with him another 7+ months after that first post?? Jfc. At least she finally left.
Silver’s not good enough for me I NEED gold. Not hard for me to spot who the real bad guy here is
If I could afford real gold, we wouldn’t have a problem to begin with lol. All my jewelry is fake, I was only referring to the color.
It sounds like to me he did listen, and hear you out on what you would like for your birthday and then intentionally just gifted you a jewelry piece he knew you wouldn’t prefer.
I’m saying he sounded like he meticulously planned this out and gave it thought to do this to you. That thinking of someone is complex in my opinion & says more negative about the individual than positive.
If he didn’t know or you didn’t tell him then my response would be a little different but honestly that’s just really icky of him to think through, plan, and then execute. He sounds like a insufferable shit person.