'AITA for not honoring my wife's dying 'wish' because I thought it was a joke?' UPDATED

"AITA for not honoring my wife’s dying wish?"

Express_Highway7696 writes:

Six years ago, my wife passed away after a short illness. The day before she passed, it seemed as though she might pull through. She said to me, “If I die, you’re not allowed to date.” I laughed and promised I wouldn’t.

Both of my daughters were there when she said it. That night, things went horribly downhill, and she was gone by noon the next day. I’ve spent the last six years raising my girls and finally sent my youngest off to college this past August.

I have been involved in a few support groups for people who have lost spouses for the last few years. Earlier this year, I really connected with a woman who lost her husband around the same time. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but we have been on a few dates, and I have been trying to keep it private for now.

We ended up going to a restaurant, and our server was one of my older daughter’s friends from high school. She must have called or texted my daughter, because last night my daughter called me to yell at me.

She basically told me I was cheating on her mother and that I had no right to dishonor her request. I was furious she called me like that, so I hung up and told her I’d call her in the morning after I had time to reflect. Now all I can think about is how horrible I am for this.

I’m 45 years old and I need companionship, but I don’t want my daughters to think I’m disrespecting their mother’s memory. My wife’s sister also texted me to say that my wife’s request was unreasonable and unfair, and that her family is not going to judge me if I move on. She also said she would talk to my daughter about it. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my kids over this, but I am so torn. AITAH for not honoring her request?

OP added some clarity:

To clarify, when she said it, I took it as a joke, and I think she meant it jokingly as well. The issue, as some pointed out, is that my kids were present and took it seriously. They were 14 and 12 at the time. She had been hospitalized with severe pneumonia and had been on oxygen for two days. All signs were pointing to a full recovery, and it was during this time that she made the statement. None of us expected her to decline so quickly overnight.

OP added an update a few days later.

I called my daughter this morning and asked if I could come to her campus for breakfast. She goes to school an hour away, so it wasn’t a bad drive. Apparently, my sister-in-law did talk to her last night and told her she was being irrational and unfair, and that I deserve to be happy. My younger daughter, who goes to school several hours away, also told my older daughter it isn’t a big deal and that I am allowed to live my life.

We had breakfast and walked around her campus for a few hours. We talked about her mom and how much we all loved her and miss her. We laughed, cried, and I told her I would never try to replace her mother and that anyone I date would have to get along with my girls.

She is still upset, which I acknowledged, but she also agreed it is unreasonable to expect me to go the rest of my life alone. She apologized for her reaction and genuinely felt bad for how she acted.

I suggested we go to therapy together to work through some of this, but she is very busy with school and would not be able to until winter break. I feel like I left with her understanding, and I really hope she won’t hold this against me.

I was not even looking for a relationship, especially at a support group. We met in March, went on our first date in July, and have only been on three more since. We have not even been intimate, so I’m not exactly sure where it’s going. I appreciate all of the responses and advice from everyone!

Here's what people had to say to OP:

UhOhBeeees says:

I’m a widower; I know the feeling. You’re NTA. You need to live your life. You’ve grieved. You have not dishonored your late wife. It’s okay to move on.

Right-Ad3026 says:

It is not cheating and it was not a fair request from your wife. Your daughter is over reacting. It’s been 6 years and you are allowed to date again without guilt. 45 is still young and you should have companionship if you want it. Listen to your sister in law.

Maybe have a talk with your daughters about how it’s been 6 years and you are lonely for companionship and their mom will always be loved and remembered but she’s no longer here and you need to keep living and be happy again.

mikeHowardF says:

Your wife was joking. Your are 1000% not the AH.

What do you think?