"AITA for telling a friend I was pregnant first but not inviting her to my reveal?"
"AITA for not inviting my friend to my gender reveal party?"
Mysteriousmelodies25 writes:
I (28F) am pregnant with my first child, and it’s been physically and emotionally tough. Around week 10, I finally felt ready to share the news with my closest family and friends. But one day, while feeling extra sick and overwhelmed, I ended up telling a friend (let’s call her Sasha) earlier than planned. We’re not best friends, but we have a good connection and stay in touch from time to time.
She happened to message me during a low moment, and I needed someone to talk to. She was happy for me and said she felt honored to be the first to know. However, she didn’t check in again afterward, even though I had said I was struggling. I live far from family, and my husband works long hours, so I often felt very alone. I was disappointed, but figured maybe she just didn’t fully understand since she doesn’t have kids.
A week later, when I finally told my closest circle, Sasha messaged again. The love and support I received from my best friends and family made me realize how much I had missed that kind of care earlier. I regretted telling Sasha first. I hadn’t just wanted to share the news, I had needed comfort. If my loved ones had known sooner, I wouldn’t have turned to Sasha.
By week 16, I was still feeling unwell but wanted to organize a small gender reveal. My closest friends helped me plan it, and we held it in my mom’s garden because it was easier for me. Due to space and travel limitations, I invited only four close friends (in addition to family) who had actively supported me.
Sasha and I go way back. Our parents were friends, and we’ve known each other since childhood. She didn’t attend my wedding because of weight insecurities and not having transportation. At the time, she was more introverted, and I understood and accepted that. She’s more social now but still working on it.
We never exchanged birthday gifts but kept in touch. I value friendship, including hers, but I also have friends who are like family and are always included in my big life moments. So when Sasha messaged me on the day of the reveal to say she was hurt, I was surprised. She hadn’t asked me anything directly. Instead, she questioned my sister behind my back about who was invited and then used that information to confront me.
I explained that it wasn’t personal. I had limited space and chose to lean on those who had actively helped me. She ignored that and focused on one particular guest, saying that person didn’t deserve to be there either.
That really upset me. I told her it wasn’t her place to decide who I include. The day had already been exhausting, and her reaction added more stress. She kept saying I had hurt her.
She said that being the first to know should have made her feel special. I explained that I hadn’t felt supported afterward, even though my message was clearly a cry for help. I said I never held that against her and even told her she was on my baby shower list.
I reminded her that many others weren’t invited either. I was hurt that she assumed the worst so quickly, especially since she has other, closer friends she puts more energy into. I thought our bond didn’t depend on always being present and wasn’t the same kind of relationship I have with my closest friends. Now I’m left wondering: AITA for not inviting her?
Here are some of the responses to OP.
HummingNest99 says:
NAH, but messy. You’re not wrong for prioritizing the people who showed up for you during a tough time pregnancy is hard, and you get to celebrate how you need to. Sasha’s not wrong for feeling hurt either, though. She was the first to know, and that probably made her feel closer to the situation than she actually was.
That said, her going behind your back to your sister before talking to you? Not a great look. And policing your guest list (“that friend shouldn’t have been there!”) is way out of line. You’re allowed to have tiers of friendship without justifying every invite.
Unable_Pumpkin987 says:
Kind of YTA for telling someone “don’t worry, you’re on the list of people who get to give me presents.”
NandoDeColonoscopy says:
YTA. Is this person a close friend who you could reasonably expect support from, or is she not all that close? Because it seems like you say she's not that close when you want to justify not inviting her, but you use the closeness against her when you feel she isn't being sufficiently supportive.
OP responded:
We were close but not too close. She doesn’t have to support me or anything. Never expected that of her. But if it were her telling me she was doing very bad and I’m the only friend that knows, I would’ve checked more, even if it’s once or twice. Especially if she claims to care about me.
She didn’t, I didn’t get mad or anything. Just went on with my life and planned this gender reveal with some others. The moment she got mad at me, I felt it was unfair, which is why I mentioned she didn’t support me and I thought we could be friends without being there for each other all the time.