'AITA for not paying my ex-fiance's brother back for a dress after he blew up my engagement?'
"AITA for refusing to pay my Ex-Fiancé's brother back for a dress after he blew up my engagement?"
No_Designer6749 writes:
For context, I got engaged to my long-term boyfriend, Matt, in July. We were excited to start the next chapter of our lives, so we started planning the wedding immediately. Money is tight, but I have been saving for my wedding, so many of the costs were coming out of my savings, with Matt chipping in where he could, which was absolutely fine as we were planning our future.
Matt spoke to his brother, Tom, and he offered to pay for my reception dress. In my culture, it's normal to have the white dress for the ceremony and then a traditional dress for the reception.
Tom has been living with me and my parents for a few months after he was kicked out of his place and then his uncle's. It turns out he was a peeping Tom. We took him in to try to help him get back on his feet, but since he moved in, he has just taken advantage of me entirely. He has taken my room while I sleep on the couch, and he often sleeps in so I can't even get changed until he gets out of my room.
He also wrote off his car and started driving mine to work, meaning I had to travel to a coworker to catch a lift to my office, which is adding at least two hours a day to my commute. He does not pay rent or contribute to the grocery bill at all.
After my father got retrenched, these issues finally came to a head, and my father told Tom that it is ridiculous that I must catch lifts and get home late constantly while he drives my car as he pleases. He stated that I will now drive my own car and Tom can Uber to work.
This resulted in Tom and Matt deciding to get a flat closer to Tom's work so they wouldn't have to pay that much for Uber, and finally, Tom moved out in an amicable arrangement.
Or so I thought. I don't know what Tom told his family, but I started getting irate phone calls from Matt and Tom's family members asking me how dare I throw Tom out like that. After a lot of back and forth, we agreed that my parents and I would meet with the family members and Matt to smooth everything out and clear the air.
Except when the meeting came, Matt didn’t show, and when I called to ask where he was, he stated he knew that we didn't throw Tom out, so it wasn't his problem. I couldn't believe this man I wanted to marry couldn't be bothered to help deal with his own family.
The meeting didn’t go well, with lots of shouting and accusations, and eventually, enough was enough. With this on top of all the other issues I have had with them in the wedding planning, I snapped and called off the whole thing. I messaged Matt a couple of times since, but he's pretty much ghosted me.
Here's where I might be the A#%^ole: Tom messaged me today to demand I pay him back for the dress in four days' time. I told him no and that he must take it up with Matt, as I have just paid double the amount to cancel our wedding venue. Also, I do not have the dress yet, and as far as I know, he does.
Here are the top rated comments.
Worth-Season3645 says:
NTA….Why did Tom’s own family not take him in? But they want to blame your family? Sell that dress. I am surprised Tom even had the money for it. Block Matt and all of his family. Be glad you dodged a bullet.
OP responded:
Well, his immediate family live in another city, and his extended family in this city has younger daughters, so they didn't feel comfortable with him there.
atealein says:
NTA. And may I also say - you dodged a bullet with Matt. I know it feels wrong and sad right now but if he is behaving like that already now when it comes to confronting your family for something his brother said about you - you don't want to marry that person. He isn't protecting and standing up for you now, he will never do it.
Do not pay anything anymore and try to get refunds on whatever you can that was related to the engagement/wedding. Get your keys back, if they had a pair and make sure he is out of your life. You told Tom the right thing - any money demands he can have - he can direct to his brother.
Seniora-Tonight7955 says:
NTA dear. And I'm very sorry to hear you went through all that. Tom has obviously taken advantage of you to make himself convenient with your house and car. As for Matt, be glad you didn't make the mistake to marry him. You would have went through a lot more in the future and have every right to feel upset now.