'AITA for not paying for my child's mother (my ex) to come visit us for Christmas?'
"AITA for not paying for my child’s mother to visit for Christmas?"
Alarming_Risk_1513 writes:
I have sole legal and physical custody of my daughter, who turns 1 on New Year’s Day. I’ve been her primary caretaker since she was a newborn. Things turned out this way because her mom had planned to give her up for adoption.
I tried to go along with that plan, but ultimately, I couldn’t. Her mom (my ex-girlfriend) and I are not together. We broke up before she even told me she was pregnant. We met in college, which is several states away from where I’m from.
I had already relocated back to an area closer to where I’m from before she told me she was pregnant. She still lives in the area where the college is located. She is still working on graduating but has been struggling this year.
Originally, she didn’t want any updates, photos, etc., of our daughter. She agreed to give me full custody, but she is still legally my daughter’s mother. I’ve respected her wishes about updates and whatnot, but I also let her know I’d be open to sharing if she changed her mind.
A few months after our daughter was born, she reached out and asked for an update and to see pictures. We didn’t talk every day, but she started regularly checking in. Then, a few months later, she asked if she could visit.
I didn’t know how I felt about that, but I understand I have to separate my own feelings from what’s best for my daughter. Ultimately, I think it’d be good for her to have her mom involved in her life.
Anyway, she wanted me to pay for her to come visit. I told her no, I couldn’t afford it. I was 24 years old and raising our baby on my own—sorry. She seemed disappointed but didn’t really mention it again.
Then, a few weeks before Christmas, she mentioned wanting to see our daughter for Christmas and her birthday. I was annoyed that she’d bring it up just two weeks before Christmas, but I tried to be nice about it. Then she asked me to pay for it again.
I told her no. The truth is, I had the money this time. I could have afforded a plane ticket. I could have let her stay at my place if need be (although I really hated the idea of that). I told her I couldn’t afford it. I just didn’t want to pay for her to visit. She pays nothing in child support, and honestly, that doesn’t bother me, but if she wants to come here and visit, I think she needs to pay for it.
Of course, she tried to guilt trip me and accused me of keeping her from her daughter over Christmas. She said I should feel lucky she’s made this so easy for me. She sent me several messages on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day about how I kept my daughter from having both her parents with her for her first Christmas, calling me evil, Scrooge, etc. Was I the a^%$ole for not paying for her to come see our daughter at Christmas?
OP added some extra context:
I officially have sole legal and physical custody, ordered by the court. No need to comment to advise me to speak to a lawyer to officially get custody—I have it, and it’s been in place for well over six months.
She also literally just turned 22 and is in college. She has no money. There is no money for child support right now, and I want her to be able to finish school. Child support could increase in the future.
Here are the top rated comments from readers with OP's responses to a few of them.
Turbulent_Ebb5669 says:
Nope. The bigger question is why now? I don't believe the Christmas miracle shit. And you're not keeping her from her daughter. You're just not paying for her to disrupt/visit.
Impressive-Arm2563 says:
NTA, ignore the manipulation. She’s up to no good. She want you to pay for a lawyer so she can take you to court for custody too?
OP responded:
I’m starting to worry she might try to pull something but I guess if she can’t even afford a plane ticket then she hopefully can’t afford a lawyer. I feel like I’ve been so accommodating too, other than not paying for her to visit. I’ve been really flexible, and respectful of her feelings. Even defended her when people have criticized her for not wanting to be an active parent.
United-Manner20 says:
You should consider possibly doing a free consult with a local lawyer or paying a small fee so that you can get some peace of mind that she has no legal leg to stand on. She may be trying to collect evidence so that she can take you to court and say that you’re withholding the child from her.
That’s why I was asking if you have a court order. You are in a very tricky position. Some “parents “like to wander back in and out of their child’s lives. When the hard work is done you should also consider setting some firm boundaries with her like maybe giving her monthly updates instead of answering her calls and talking more frequently the plan was for you to be a solo parent. She wanted nothing to do with it. You want to be careful opening up that door.
OP responded:
I know, it’s very hard for me to find a balance between not totally shutting her out and just allowing her to pop in whenever she wants. I know a wishy washy parents isn’t good for a kid, and I don’t want that for my daughter. I just figured she might change her mind and I was ok with her deciding she wanted some involvement (if it was consistent).