'AITA for not telling my ex about our son's surgery because she'll put it on social media?'
"AITA for taking my son for surgery and never telling his mom?"
Ambitious-Loquat6521 writes:
My ex and I have four boys. We are opposites. I'm very reserved, whereas she is someone who broadcasts her business on social media. I've gotten into fights with her over putting me on her social media accounts, even after we divorced. As our kids got older, they asked her not to put them all over social media too. They didn't want their personal business out there.
When my third boy, Jackson, was about 11, he told me he was having issues going to the bathroom. He was adamant that I not tell his mom. I took him to the doctor, and long story short, it was recommended that he get a circumcision.
My son was horrified—not because of the surgery as much as his mom finding out and telling people. I told him that as of now, no one knows about this but you, me, and your doctor. We can keep it this way as long as you don't tell anyone.
You can have the procedure done on a Thursday, and I'll tell your mom that you're sick. By the time you go back to her house, you should be healed up. So that's what we did. It wasn't a big procedure. He was awake the whole time and healed quickly. I was surprised. My other kids were clueless. I almost forgot about it.
Jackson is now 14. I guess his mom found out when she got ahold of his medical records to send to a new doctor. She asked Jackson, and he said it's not her business. She called me, and I said, "I'm not saying anything without talking to Jackson, but I'll say this: our kids have expressed several times that you embarrassed them on social media by oversharing about them and ignored their requests to stop.
So absolutely, I would keep something like our son having a circumcision a secret from you because me and your son believe you'd post about it. The problem is you, not us." She's furious, and I said, "I don't give a f%#k about you.
I'm not married to you. Pretty much our kids can stay where they choose, so you're going to end up by yourself if you don't drop this. Jackson doesn't want you to know about it because you'll tell everyone, and you're exactly proving him right."
OP added a quick edit:
Our agreement says we don't need the other parent's permission to get a medical procedure if it's deemed necessary or an emergency. My son's circumcision was medically necessary, not cosmetic. Getting a circumcision isn't the same as getting braces. So no, I didn't violate our agreement.
But even if I needed her permission, I still would have gotten it done for my son and not told her. I'm not afraid of her. Our oldest kids pretty much have final say on which parent they stay with. The oldest three are high schoolers. The youngest is 10, and he is with me five days a week.
Here are the top rated comments from readers:
Miss_Judge_and_Jury says:
NTA. I would almost never agree with withholding this from another parent. However, I’m worried that child will not have a safe parent to talk to when needed. This is a minor procedure, obviously you were able to care for him and ensure he was okay. Her young teen has a better concept of boundaries than her, she did this to herself.
And if she can’t reflect on how her over sharing makes her son feel, that is on her and he will continue to withhold info from her. Sad when the internet is your priority over your children. Be the safe space at these tender years!
Props dad for listening to your child, one of you needs to! My only suggestion is to frame it calmly in a manner that she can understand how her actions make him feel and why he ASKED YOU to not share, out of fear. On her if she is receptive or not.
Comfortable-Sea-2454 says:
NTA. She's furious and I said I don't give a fuck about you. I'm not married to you. Pretty much our kids can stay where they choose so you're going to end up by yourself if you don't drop this.
Jackson doesn't want you to know about it because you'll tell everyone and you're exactly proving him right. Your ex is going to be very lonely in a few years because she makes information all about HER, not the kids. Great job OP/Dad, you have your kids backs!!
tinyd71 says:
I can hardly think of a situation where I'd support one parent withholding medical information about their child from the other parent, but I think this is probably that very situation! Continue to advocate for your kids and be the parent they can trust and count on. NTA.
viirtualpetite says:
NTA. Honestly, it sounds like you were just respecting your son’s wishes and trying to protect his privacy, especially given how much his mom overshares on social media. It’s not about keeping secrets, it’s about respecting his boundaries.
If she had listened to her kids’ requests about not sharing their personal lives online, this wouldn’t have been an issue. You did what you thought was best for your son, and it’s not your responsibility to make her feel comfortable about it if she’s not respecting the kids’ wishes.