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'AITA for not telling my ex that I'm married? My wife thinks I'm misleading her.'

'AITA for not telling my ex that I'm married? My wife thinks I'm misleading her.'


"AITA for not telling my ex that I'm married?"

tw-intro-ex writes:

My wife and I were near Seattle last weekend visiting my family. We are both in our early 30s and have been happily married for 4 years (together for 6). We went out to a bar on Saturday with a bunch of my friends to catch up.

When I was going to the restroom, I felt a tap on my shoulder, and to my surprise, it was Jen, my ex. Jen and I dated for 4 years in our early 20s. Jen left me because she wanted to explore herself and, since I was her first boyfriend, she felt like she was missing something in life. I was very happy with her, and I had a job in tech that put us on a very stable financial path.

I was probably a few months away from proposing to her. I was heartbroken, and it took me a few years before I could start dating again. Although Jen and I stayed friends for a year after the breakup, I went no contact with her so that I could move on, and I never talked to her since then. My wife knows about all this.

Back to the incident, Jen tapped on my shoulder, and I was surprised to see her. She hugged me, and we exchanged pleasantries. She was there with her friends, and they were all sitting at the bar (I knew most of them). They also came to say hello. We chatted for a few minutes before I felt like I needed to end the conversation.

We mostly talked about what I was doing back in my hometown and how we have been. I abruptly told her it was nice to see her after years and that I needed to go back to our table as I was out with my friends.

She said ok, and I quickly turned around. To my surprise, my wife was standing right behind me. My friends identified Jen from our table, and my wife came to stand next to me. I told my wife what a weird coincidence it was and took her hand and went back to the table.

When I sat at the table, all my friends started talking about Jen. My wife seemed visibly uncomfortable about the situation. I tried to change the subject, but I learned that Jen married someone a few years ago, and they got divorced last year.

She moved back to our hometown so she can stay at her parents' house until she figures things out. My wife seemed really interested in Jen's life and asked a lot of questions while I was just trying to avoid the whole topic.

When we were driving home, my wife asked me why I didn't tell Jen that I was married and she was my wife. She feels I should have introduced her to Jen so that Jen can see I am happily married to my wife. I told her I was just trying to end the conversation as I went no contact with Jen a long time ago and I prefer to keep it that way.

My wife asked me how I felt after seeing her after a long time. I told her that I was surprised since I was not expecting to see her, but to be honest, I felt like she was a stranger. I told my wife that I did feel sad that things didn't work out for her.

My wife was upset because she felt I should have introduced her to Jen. She felt that Jen hugged me for too long and I should have clearly told Jen that I was married and have a lovely wife. My wife feels she came all the way from the table to stand next to me and felt slightly insulted that I did not include her in the conversation.

From my perspective, I was just trying to get out of the conversation and don't see how it would have helped anyone. The issue became worse the next morning when Jen sent me a friend request on Instagram and also messaged me on my phone saying it was nice to meet me. I feel that triggered my wife (and for some reason my mom, who went on a rant about Jen because she hated Jen when we were dating. That made my wife very happy).

My wife feels that I did not communicate clearly to Jen that I was married, and that was the reason why she messaged me the next day. I rejected the friend request on Instagram and also did not respond to her message.

However, a part of me feels my wife might be right and I did something wrong here. Am I the AH for not telling Jen that I was married and introducing her to my wife who was standing right next to me? I just wanted to get out of the conversation and was in a hurry to end it.

Here are the top comments:

Plastic_Concert_4916 writes:

I don't understand how you spent time catching up but didn't bring up your wife once, even if it's just by insinuation by using We instead of I pronouns. I'm married and it's natural to say We without even thinking about it. We're visiting the family... We just bought a new house...

It also seems more natural for you to have told your ex "I have to get back to my wife" instead of "I have to get back to my friends." Like, you were with your wife first and foremost. Hopefully she's not an afterthought to your friends.

And if you truly wanted to end the conversation, your wife was a built-in excuse. "Sorry, I really have to go. My wife's waiting for me." I do find your behavior kind of odd. Is there a chance that, at least subconsciously, you didn't want Jen to know you were married?

mintywalker1290 says:

YTA (You're the A^#&ole) - you told Jen that you were there with your friends. You didn’t mention and your wife? Why is that?

Numerous-Dot-1530 says:

YTA. An ex asks you how you've been over the past few years and one of the top things on your list of why you're so good Isn't that you married a wonderful woman? Hmmmm.

TarzanKitty says:

YTA. What pushed it over the edge for me was you had plenty of time to tell Jen that you were there with your friends. It would have added 2 seconds to add, “and my wife.” It is pretty clear you were trying to downplay your wife.

What do you think?

Sources: Reddit
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