'AITA for distancing myself from my triplet sisters and family after years of feeling left out?'
"AITA for distancing myself from my triplet sisters and family after years of feeling left out?"
I'm (19f) a triplet. My sisters are identical twins, and I’m the fraternal triplet. Even from the start, my parents kind of separated me from them. They gave my sisters matching names, while I got a different one. They dressed my sisters alike, and I was dressed differently.
They also made sure to take pictures of my sisters without me, but never just me with one of them. There are photos of all of us together and of us individually, but there was always more emphasis on them being identical twins, not on us being triplets.
Other people would pair them up and leave me out. They were often referred to as "the twins," and when people talked about all three of us, it was usually "the twins and their sister." It always made me feel pretty awful. Sometimes people genuinely didn’t know we were triplets, but others did. Because of how matched they looked and how different I always seemed, it was often brushed aside.
As we got older, I started speaking up more about feeling left out. My parents would tell me I was being silly and that I was just as loved and wanted as my sisters. But that was all they would say. They always dismissed it or laughed it off. My sisters would say it wasn’t their fault or that it wasn’t a big deal.
Some of our friends, though really more their friends, would make fun of the fact that I wasn’t really part of "the set." I was just there. A few of them even pointed out how my sisters always called each other "my twin," but referred to me as just their sister. I used to try to emphasize that we were triplets, but I stopped when I realized I was on my own and it just made things weird or uncomfortable.
The only time my sisters seemed to care about including me was when people actually wanted to see "the triplets." Then they would get upset if I wasn’t available. But I got so used to being almost ignored that I would step back sometimes without saying anything.
A few months before graduation, I tried to sit my family down and talk about how hurt I was. I said I felt left out and even pushed aside. I say "tried" because I didn’t get to finish before I was called silly and asked where it was all coming from.
They talked over me when I tried to explain. My sisters told me I needed to let it go, and that they always included me, so they didn’t understand the big deal. But their idea of including me usually meant dragging me along while ignoring me.
When we graduated, my sisters went to the same college, and I went to a different one. They didn’t include me in any college talk, so I didn’t see a reason to chase after them. Since starting college, I’ve grown a lot and made better friends.
These are people who actually like being around me and don’t treat me like the extra person who has to be there but isn’t really wanted. I went to my grandparents’ for Christmas instead of going home and had a great time with them. This summer, I’m staying with a friend from college, and we’re both working.
My family only realized a couple of weeks ago that I wasn’t coming home. They reached out to ask when I would be back, and I told them I wasn’t coming. Then my sisters asked why I hadn’t called or texted, and I asked why they hadn’t.
They said I was always the one who did that kind of thing. I said exactly. I was always the one reaching out, even when we lived together. I was the one checking in. But I’m done doing that now.
All four of them, my sisters and my parents, are now saying I’m being weird and accusing me of distancing myself from my fellow triplets. They say we need to be together to keep that bond strong. I told them I was done being treated like I’m silly for feeling left out.
Now I get texts almost every day from my sisters saying I’m being childish. This is the most effort they’ve made to reach out to me all year, and honestly the most they have reached out since we were young kids and they at least pretended I was part of their group.
I know this might sound strange to some people. I know twins and triplets often struggle with wanting to be seen as individuals, and not just part of a group. So maybe, to some, being treated as separate sounds like a good thing. But for me, it felt lonely. It felt like I could disappear and no one would notice. And no one really did, until now. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
fiestafan73 says:
They want the bond without any of the emotional labor that comes with it. Keep establishing your own individual life. NTA.
Your mom dressed them the same and not you? That breaks my heart for you. NTA.
Both of my parents did. Even their coming home from the hospital outfits were identical and mine was different. Birthday parties and weddings were the same way too. They were dressed the same and I was different. Matching sets of kids jewelry and a different set for me.
How sad - but hardly surprising - that after all these neither your parents or sisters understand and have some regret for their past behaviour. Instead they double down with the same rhetoric that hurt you so badly when you were young. Good for you
Yeah, it doesn't surprise me much either. They probably expect things to return to normal with a few shallow words. Because I was always willing to put in the effort before.
This does not sound weird at all. Your feelings are totally valid. I can't even imagine how hurtful that has been when they told you that you are just being silly. I'm very happy for you that you have found friends who value you just as you are.
And they don't even apologize to you even after you have (multiple times) explained how/what you feel. Unbelievable. There are many AH's and none of those are you. Wish you all the best ❤️
It hurt a lot when I was told repeatedly that I was being silly. There are still times where I wonder if they actually heard what I said instead of passively listening. But they could always work on it now if they want to repair our relationship. I just don't want it to be me anymore.
All OP has to do is point to exhibit A. The picture of the "Twins" dressed the same as the beginning of the exclusion.
I actually did and I was told I was still very silly.
Nta. Instead of victim blaming, imagine if the family said "hi, how are you? What are you up to? Would love to see you, when can l/we visit?"
That would change the dynamic & show a little insight.
I'd love that. And really before this it's all it ever would have taken. For them to pick up the phone and make the first move. But they never did.
WaryScientist says:
NTA - just tell them they’re being silly and they need to let it go. You’re treating them the way you’ve been treated, and if they have an issue, they only have themselves to blame.
NiszczycielYT says:
NTA. In my opinion, you did very well. If I were you, I would consider blocking your sisters so that they would not be able to send you messages every day. Thanks to this, you could mentally rest from their manipulation.
Although you can leave what final actions, if you block your sisters, a family drama may begin, where parents and other members will probably write to you, call you. It is best to inform your sisters for now that you need some rest, time from them.