'AITA for trying to 'embarrass' my chronically late friend at her own birthday party because she needs to learn a lesson?'

I told my friend I'm canceling our dinner plans because she's chronically late.

Party_Tomatillo_3770 writes:

My friend is consistently late and unreliable. She attributes this behavior to ADHD, but I believe it's because she simply doesn't prioritize punctuality and often prefers to keep her options open for more appealing activities, even after committing to plans.

She rarely offers genuine apologies for her lateness, and sometimes doesn't apologize at all, except when she completely fails to show up without any notice, and even then, her apologies are insincere. I've tolerated this because she's enjoyable company when she eventually arrives, but my patience is wearing thin.

A few weeks ago, she organized a Valentine's Day brunch to celebrate her birthday at a venue known for giving away reserved tables if the entire party isn't punctual. Surprisingly, she arrived early, along with everyone else. I was genuinely surprised.

During the meal, I informed her that I intended to cancel our upcoming dinner plans, as her punctuality at her own event demonstrated her capability to be on time when it mattered to her. I made it clear in front of everyone that I wouldn't tolerate her chronic lateness anymore. No one objected.

She brushed off my decision initially (although she later expressed anger), and we all enjoyed the brunch. It seems our other friends felt similarly, as no one has made plans with her that require punctuality since. Today, the day of our planned dinner, she asked if we were still meeting up.

I responded, "No, I thought I made myself clear before. We can hang out after you finish work, but I won't wait for you anymore." She's furious and accuses me of being discriminatory towards her. It's upsetting to see her hurt, but I'm also tired of feeling hurt and embarrassed by her constant lateness.

Here are the top judgements from the post:

jrm1102 says:

YTA (You're the A^@*ole) - You’re not an AH for what you did (not wanting to deal with lack of punctuality). You’re an AH for how you did it (publicly embarrass her at her own birthday where she wasn’t late). This was clearly more about you trying to make her feel as bad as possible in the most public way than it was working on your friendship and addressing a problem.

Goalie_Lax says:

I don't think your choice of time and place was the best, but for you to use this as a catalyst to no longer make plans with her - NTA (Not the A^@#ole). And clearly you aren't alone. She's getting a massive wake up call.

And while ADHD and many other diagnoses are valid and do impact our lives, for her to use it as a crutch to get away with cr^@py behavior is really cr&#py on her part.

riddlerprodigy says:

ESH (Everyone Sucks Here). She is for the whole being unapologethically late. You for being an attention seeker (otherwise you wouldve done it in private 1on1, the only reason you did it like this is because you wanted attention from other people.)

Dszquphsbnt says:

YTA, you could have let her know that in private after the lunch. You wanted to hurt her, and you succeeded. She's not right for being chronically late, but this subreddit is about specific incidences, not general complaints, and specifically here— you were the a@&%ole.

Jen0507 says:

You used her birthday to announce your issues with her? Yeah YTA for that. Not the a^@!ole for not wanting to put up with it but how f%^#ing dramatic do you have to be about it. Everyone here needs to grow up.

forgeris says:

When I deal with such people I just don't count on them ever to be on time, meaning that I treat them as if they wouldn't come and if they arrive when they arrive then they will deal with consequences.

Never buy anything for them before hand (unless they send you money first) and if they are late then they will sit outside and wait for the movie to end, or stand and wait for a free seat to open, or arrive too late when you already moved to a different location, etc. this will very fast teach them about timing.

What do you think? Was OP right to cancel plans on her friend because of her chronic lateness?