ashdjdkdkd writes:
Background information about the type of relationship I have with my mom: we’ve always had a bad relationship to the point where we don’t talk. We live together, but I always avoid her just for the sake of avoiding issues.
It has gotten to the point where I’ve been distancing myself from my family to give her space and not make them choose sides. All this time, I’ve lived with my family because, in our culture, women live with their parents until marriage.
Now, in five weeks, I’m getting married to my fiancé. He comes from a different country, and we will have the wedding in his country. Personally, I don’t have many friends, and they can’t afford to spend that much money to attend my wedding. So I decided to have a small dinner party with them.
As for my family, I’m not close to them. They are technically invited to the wedding, but they can’t afford to come, and I haven’t offered to pay. I only offered to pay for my immediate family: siblings and parents.
My mom has been insisting that I have a party here in our country, but I don’t want to. To make the story short, she told me she’s not coming to the wedding if I refuse to give in. I said I’m not going to force anyone. The discussion ended there.
My parents have a different citizenship than mine (we are immigrants, and our parents haven’t tried to apply for the citizenship of the country where we live). They need a visa to go to my husband’s country.
I already applied for my father, and a few days ago, I gave my mom a small reminder that if she doesn’t apply for a visa soon, she won’t be able to come to the wedding. This small reminder restarted the discussion all over again, except it was one-sided because I didn’t answer. Anyway, my mom has called me selfish for refusing to organize even a small dinner at home.
She seems frustrated that the emotional blackmail of threatening not to come to the wedding didn’t work, and now she has resorted to yelling and screaming. I’ve been spending as much time as possible outside. My brothers are taking her side.
They say I’m selfish and ask why I can’t just agree to a small dinner at home. But I’ve never had a relationship with those people, so why should I host them? They say I’m creating trouble, but what they don’t understand (and I haven’t explained) is that my mother’s absence doesn’t affect me at all.
So it’s not a problem for me. I’m used to the tension, and I guess having to spend so much time outside is annoying, but deep down, I don’t mind. I’m using this time to enjoy my city. So, I guess the question is: am I the bad person for not agreeing to have a small party for my wedding? And am I really a bad person for not caring? That’s what they’ve told me as well, like, “She’s your own mother, and you’re her only daughter,” and stuff like that.
Flaky-Side5792 says:
NTA, it’s your own wedding and money, u don’t need to please everyone, even family. it’s not rude to not host a party for a family that doesn’t even have any sort of contribution in your life (except for your immediate family ofc) and since you’ve alw had a bad relationship with your mom but still decided to let her come and gave her a choice is still caring. idk, just my two cents.
HamBone868 says:
ESH. You say you have no relationship with your family? You suck. They suck. Everybody sucks here. Not organizing a small party for your friends and family is ridiculously lazy and stubborn. Using emotional blackmail on your daughter to get your way is manipulative and bullying. Both of you need to put aside your pride and come to an agreement.
puntacana24 says:
NTA - You don’t have to have a party in your country if you don’t want to. It is your own wedding, so you get to have it how you’d like to. It’s also not your fault if your mom hasn’t taken the necessary steps to come to the wedding (applying for a visa, etc).
o2low says:
NTA. She can afford to travel, she just not going because you aren’t giving her ‘the production’ she wants and she’s trying to leverage your compliance with her presence at your wedding. Unfortunately for her, that’s not a big draw for you.