'AITA for being happy my kids aren't giving my ex's wife what she wants?'
"AITA for saying I owe my ex's wife nothing and being quietly glad my kids don't consider her their second mom?"
Sweeyloumom writes:
My (30f) marriage to my ex (32m) ended during my pregnancy with our son, who is now 8. We divorced formally when he was two months old, but we separated at the very beginning of the pregnancy and co-parented our daughter, who is now 10, throughout that time, as difficult as it was. After the divorce was over, things turned more sour and we avoided each other except for exchanges.
Two and a half years after our divorce was finalized, he introduced me to his then-girlfriend, now wife (33f), at a custody exchange. At first, she seemed nice enough and I had no problem with her. I even thought she was nicer than him.
But something I didn't know at the time was that she took offense to me handing the kids to my ex instead of offering her one or both of them. I found this out two months later when our daughter's preschool had their play, and she accused me of hogging my son throughout the performance and not giving her the chance to hold him.
Then she brought up the exchange. She told me she was going to be their mommy too and I needed to get over my selfish hogging of our children, and by "our" she meant hers, mine, and my ex's. My ex stood back and said nothing.
I told her that I wasn't hogging anyone and that at the exchange, I did what I always do when the kids go to their dad. She told me I just didn't want to accept that soon enough I’d be number two mom and maybe they'd eventually call me by my first name and her “mom.”
After that, she was tense whenever we attended the same event, and the kids weren't exactly happy to see her. My ex said this was all my fault because I didn't offer to let her hold our son, etc. Then she reported me to CPS with several false allegations.
Her claims were wild, and CPS cleared me of all wrongdoing. They said the report was anonymous, but then my ex's girlfriend told me it was disgusting that anyone could clear me and that she knew better. Then she said she'd prove I didn't deserve my kids.
Following that, they booked their wedding on my custody time, when I had pre-arranged plans for us. I refused to cancel and told them to blame my ex since he had the schedule and calendar, same as me.
We always had a shared one through an app that told us whose week it was and what plans couldn’t be changed. My commitment came first. They kept the date and got married without the kids there, which I was hated for.
His wife has been vile to me ever since. She makes disgusting comments about my appearance and has called me a prostitute many times. She tried to turn my ex's family against me, and when it didn’t work, she tried to accuse me of parental alienation.
For years, I have heard that the kids aren't as bonded with her as my ex would expect or as they want the kids to be, and they only want me. My ex tried to get more custody as a result, and the judge told him there was no cause for an increase from the 50-50 custody we had from the beginning.
My ex brought up the conversation again last month when we had an IEP meeting for our son. He told me that his wife has been around the kids since they were very young and she should be second mom to them, but they always correct him or her when they call her that, and they say she’s not, even to others who call her their mom too.
He told me I could be kinder to her and help with that. He said that as a mom, it’s my job to make sure all the kids' parents are respected and loved and treated well. And he told me she takes good care of our kids, so I owe her some help with this. I told him I owe her nothing and to go back to those CPS allegations and realize I will never owe her or like her.
Then, via the app just a couple of weeks ago, my ex said he feels like I’m glad our kids don’t call her “mom” or consider her their second mom. He told me that I’m just being petty and an a^#%ole when I could be thinking of the kids’ best interest.
And that saying I owe his wife nothing is a bad attitude to hold as well. I won’t lie, I am crazy happy the kids aren’t super into this woman. I have never discouraged it, and I always keep them out of drama the best that I can and by that I mean I can’t influence what they see or hear at their dad’s house. But I am quietly super happy. My ex isn’t wrong about how I feel. AITA?
People responded to OP's post.
Select-Extension1976 says:
NTA. She tried to force it. She failed. She tried to get your kids removed from your care, she doesn't get help from your end after that.
Usual-Canary-7764 says:
Is it just me who notices that the whipped ex is only thinking of himself and his wife and not OP? He stood by while OP was called vile things...stood by and did nothing when his wife tried to steal OP's children but somehow it's OP who owes his wife? Well done OP. NTA.
OP responded:
I am just the ex after all so why care about what's said or done to the mother of his children when he thinks he found them a new mother.
Erolialuie says:
You don't owe his wife anything, especially after she tried to weaponize CPS against you, insulted you for years, and actively tried to undermine your role as their mom. It's pretty telling that your kids on their own don't see her as a second mom, despite how long she's been around.