"I (F33) don’t respect him (M33) when he’s sick."
My husband (33M) and I (33F) are both sick with the flu at the moment. We’ve been together for 13+ years at this point so I’m used to taking care of him when he’s sick. And he is always…kind of a baby about it.
There’s a lot of moaning and pained noises and “I think I’m dying” even though I have the exact same flu and have been still doing partial work days and taking care of meals and picking up groceries and taking the dogs out and being the primary person watching the kids, who are also sick.
I can deal with all that. Whatever. But I’ve been sleeping upright on the couch for the last few nights because I cough like crazy when I’m lying down and I just can’t sleep. And just now he was like “are you sleeping in bed?”
I said I would need to be elevated/upright at a level that isn’t comfortable for him (we have an adjustable bed). And instead of him offering to sleep on the couch so I could have my turn being in the bed, he was like “okay” and went upstairs. Not even an offer to swap. I dunno, I’ve just really lost a lot of respect for him these last few days.
He’s convinced his symptoms are so much worse and seems very fixated on himself. And if I confronted him, he would be like “well I let you sleep in this morning” (till 9, when I was up from 4:30–6:30) and “I made you a cup of tea and I put the soup in the microwave yesterday.” Like it’s just enough that he can technically say he’s done things to help out.
How do I get over this resentment? I know I should have that conversation with him when I’m better and my throat doesn’t feel like sandpaper, but I’m pretty damn angry right now. Especially because I can hear the bed’s massage setting on upstairs. It’s just adding insult to injury.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Firm_Distribution_999 wrote:
Stop powering through. Stop doing more. When you’re sick, do less.
I don’t have any other advice other than that. You can’t change how he feels, you can only control how you feel and what you do. When you’re sick, allow yourself to rest.
OP responded:
Oof, I struggle to rest even when I’m feeling well. I know I need to give myself permission to do that more.
unearthedtrove wrote:
Just tell him you need a good nights rest with the bed elevated and he can deal with it or not. Take time off work. Do the absolute minimum for the kids. Order takeout. Don’t clean. The more you rest and sleep the faster you’ll recover. Working yourself so hard is just prolonging the illness.
be_kind_to_yourself wrote:
Don't do those things alone. Say what you need. Alternate the bed, alternate the chores. When he says he has it worse say it's not a competition. When it's his turn to cook or so and children ask tell them to ask the dad cause it's his turn. He is selfish prick, but you putting yourself in the 'poor me, bad him' position are also creating this dynamic.
Let yourself be sick, let children be disappointed by him. Let dogs cry to go out so he needs to do it. And if he doesn't raise to the task I would reconsider why I am married to this person. My ex making sickness a competition and him always being the one who has it worse was one of several reasons I left him. F that.
holdontoyourbuttz wrote:
Literally just went through this same exact thing with my BF, the “man cold” is a true phenomenon. This man can single-handedly chop down a massive tree in one afternoon but every time we both get any sort of sickness he acts like the world is ending and he turns into someone I don’t even recognize 🫣😆.
He’ll ask me “how are you feeling” and then interrupt me 2 words in to explain how what he is feeling is so much worse. And yes, I do a lot when I’m sick still and he doesn’t, but when I notice resentment creeping in I remind myself that the only one I can control is myself and that I AM the one choosing to do what I do.
I also have the choice to say eff if and let him either rise to the occasion or not. You have agency here, take ownership over your choices. I will say that generally my partnership feels equal other than these times, so I’m curious if in general yours feels out of balance?
No-Doubt9679 wrote:
You can resent or you can communicate. No one is the best versions of themselves when sick. When my wife is sick I take care of her but just like your husband I can be useless when sick. So right now we are both sick and so is my 15-year-old. Luckily the little ones seem to be over it. We have a plan to deep clean the house this weekend between all of us. So that can wait for now.
As for cooking we door dashed last night because we were not in any way shape or form healthy enough for that. She took the bed upstairs and I stayed on the couch. But we communicate with each other what is needed. Marriage is hard and we are imperfect beings.
There is going to be situations where you shine or he shines. I had one of my kids get really hurt one time and there was blood all over. She was a mess I took charge and kept calm. Had him in the ER in record time. In that situation I took charge better than she did. But that’s marriage for you, (tag you’re it!)
harla007 wrote:
Yeah the majority of men are like this. I blame societal expectations placed on women to always be caretakers, even on our deathbeds. I think the solution is to just be blunt with him. Be blunt, direct and do it with the biggest smile you can muster.
Tell him you feel soooo sick and you need to sleep in the bed tonight to elevate yourself. Turn the situation around and tell him that since you're the one who is still going to work, it is more important for you to be well-rested so your performance doesn't totally suffer. Don't let him walk all over you. Advocate for yourself.
Alarmed_Gur_4631 wrote:
Hey, please get checked out for bronchitis or pneumonia. At least call your doctor and tell them about the coughing when you lie down. You are probably going to need some real meds, this stuff LINGERS and can turn chronic.