'AITA for telling my step-kids that I no longer view them as my kids?'
"AITA for telling my step-kids that I no longer view them as my kids?"
I’m 36F and my husband is 42M. He has two daughters who are 16 and 13. My husband and I have been together for 8 years. For some context, the girls have a mom who is not very active in their lives. She comes around once a year or every other year, stays for two to three months, and then leaves again.
The problem is that when she comes to town, the girls change. For example, after their dad and I got married, they started calling me “Mom” because they felt I was their mother. But when their mom came back, they would stop and call her “Mom” instead, pushing me to the side. I understood why they did that at the time, they were young, confused, and trying to please her.
We put them in therapy, and their therapist had them apologize and explain their feelings. The next two times it happened, the therapist told me to try talking with them. Then, their mom decided not to come for the next two years, and it was a really peaceful time. The kids were happy, doing well in school, enjoying time with their new brother, and life felt stable.
This year, their mom decided to come again. She arrived in August and stayed until about a week ago. This time, when she came, the girls changed completely. It started with them not calling me “Mom,” then moved to saying disrespectful things to me and their dad.
They even told their brother that they didn’t like him and that he wasn’t their real brother. The thing that hurt the most was when they said I wasn’t their mom, that I would never be, that I was a bad stepmom, and that their mom was their only mom.
When their mom left last week, the girls slowly started trying to reconnect. They began calling me “Mom” again, but I told them I didn’t want them to call me that anymore. They looked shocked and asked why. I told them that they had said multiple times that I wasn’t their mom, that I was a bad stepmom, and that their mom was their only mom. So I told them I no longer view them as my kids.
They looked hurt and went to tell their dad what I said. He told them it was between us. Their therapist thinks I was harsh, but I don’t agree. They are old enough to understand what is right and wrong to say. So, am I the bad guy?
OP added some extra context:
I also want to add that I don’t blame the younger one as much as I blame the older one, because she should know better. I understand that things with parents can be difficult, but I was younger than her when I cut off my father, and he was similar to how their mom is. The rose-colored glasses should be fading by now, as she is old enough to understand.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ProgrammerRich6549 says:
It sounds like their mom is in their ear telling them stuff, probably lies, about you and their dad. That's what it seems like is happening every time their mom shows up, they probably miss her and want her validation so they listen to her.
KB4609 says:
Your girls need to understand everyone even parents have feelings that can be hurt. My take is you need to navigate this because you’re stuck with these “mean girls” and you are their parent. I wouldn’t want them calling me Mom either because you don’t treat your mom that way.
But we all know they are being influenced by bio mom, and you need to be the bigger person in this situation. Be the positive influence on them, but set those boundaries as to how you will accept being treated.
CorneliaSlivaWr says:
They told you repeatedly that you're not their mom. You're just finally believing them. They are absolutely old enough to understand that relationships aren't a switch you can flip on and off whenever their bio mom decides to show up. Your husband is a bit of an AH here for not backing you up. NTA.
Angelblade92 says:
NTA - Once or twice was understandable but they are both at an age where they understand what they are saying and why it would be hurtful. They can’t keep cutting you down and come crawling back when they want a mother again. Actions have consequences even for kids and it’s time they learned that.