'I don’t think I can afford my girlfriend. How do I bring this up to her?'

"I (25M) don’t think I can afford my girlfriend (28F). How do I bring this up to her?"

To give some context: I’ve been seeing this woman for a few months. We started out casually, but more recently things have become more serious and exclusive. The issue I’m struggling with is money; not in the sense that I’m broke, but in terms of sustainability. I currently pay for all of our dates.

Part of that is because I’m the guy and that’s the role I’ve taken on, and part of it is because I genuinely like taking someone out and treating them. I’m not a tightwad, and I don’t resent spending money on someone I care about. Recently, though, it’s started to feel like a strain. For example, we went out to a nicer bar the other night. I work tomorrow so I had a singular beer.

She ordered a few cocktails. The total came out to about $50. That’s obviously not outrageous for a night out, but it still bothered me more than I expected. The bigger issue is frequency. She likes to go out a lot. While she’s not really running up tabs l, paying for every date adds up quickly. Budget-wise, this just isn’t sustainable for me long-term.

(For background: we’re both in the film industry. I work as a writer and make mid-50k before taxes, which is nothing in LA. She isn’t currently working, but she wants to work for SAG.)

What makes this harder to navigate is that she clearly has money.

She lives in an apartment that costs about double my rent, travels overseas frequently, and attends a lot of extravagant events. I genuinely don’t know where the money comes from, and I try not to “pocket watch,” but it’s hard not to notice the contrast. After I do all the mental accounting, I feel an intense level of shame for doing so.

I want to be clear: I’m not opposed to spending money. I actually take pride in being able to take someone out. I’m even planning to take her to a Michelin-star restaurant for Valentine’s Day, along with other things. I don’t mind paying; I just don’t want to feel like I can’t ask her to occasionally contribute or split things without it becoming an issue.

I also don’t want this to turn into resentment for her because I was feeling really frustrated after the night we had and I don’t think that’s fair to her. I like her a lot, and I don’t want this to come across as cheap or like I’m keeping score. At the same time, it feels unreasonable for the financial responsibility of dating to rest entirely on me.

How do I approach this conversation? I wish this wasn’t an issue for me; I wish I could just provide but I cannot keep up and the honest truth is I’m not in a financial position to pretend like I can. Also, if any women could chime in with honest opinions on how they’d react given this news, I’d appreciate it.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

time_for_stories wrote:

She probably has family money and is probably a bit out of touch. Most people in this bucket simply don’t realize it’s a lot of money for the average person to spend, and a “hey we’re going out pretty often and it’s a bit out of my price range, could we split it?” gets them on the same page pretty quickly.

And if it doesn’t, well this relationship isn’t going to last anyways and you’re just prolonging the inevitable at your expense.

danixveg wrote:

I thought you were missing a zero in your income...at 50k you should not be spending money like this.

Bitter_strike1366 wrote:

I think it’s totally reasonable that you can’t keep up with paying for yourself and someone else if you go out frequently. So it would be just as reasonable to ask her to contribute to the dates you’re going on, or tell her you’ll have to reduce the frequency or get creative with finding dates that are free or minimal in expense (btw, the planning of these creative and low expense dates should not all be on you).

If the person I’m dating was honest with me about this, and gave me the options I listed: contribute, reduce and/or adjust, then I would totally respect it. Tbh I wouldn’t even be in this position because there’s no way I would allow my partner (even in early stages) to take on 100% of the financial burden. Why are you comfortable with taking that on?

If she reacts poorly, then you know she’s not the one for you (assuming you don’t want this traditional relationship dynamic) and be glad that she revealed those colors early. Then you should likely change your behavior for the next person at the get-go so you don’t encounter this situation again.

Or if you do want this traditional dynamic then you need to get a better paying job, or at the very least you shouldn’t be surprised that you’re attracting people that will take advantage of you.

Edit: also forgot to add, don’t bring up your observations of her spending habits and lack of a job- it’s presumptuous and judgmental. If you continue seeing each other, eventually you will want to have that conversation and a deeper convo on each of your alls finances. But you all sound too early for that and bringing it up in the convo now will not be good.

seethepositive1 wrote:

Has she never even offered to pay even once? Why are you taking her to a Michelin star restaurant if you can't afford it? You're setting yourself up to fail. If you're spoiling her and treating her this way, she will get used to it fast. There's a saying that goes: All women are expensive, pick one in your price range and do with it.

honeybunny991 wrote:

I'm a woman and I've always insisted to pay my own way or at least 50/50. Be straight with her and just say that this routine isn't sustainable for you and if you're going to continue together in a serious relationship, you'd like to take turns paying. If she says no then you can decide if you want to continue. Communication is everything.