Gold_Squash7014 writes:
I split up with my ex almost two years ago. My child started school the same year.
My ex was never too involved in our child's educational needs—even when she was a toddler. I handled it all myself.
My child's school offers multiple apps and websites, so you can stay up to date with everything without ever having to contact anyone. I asked my ex repeatedly to at least get the main apps so that I wouldn't have to keep reminding him of important dates and our child's progress. He didn’t care.
Here are just a few examples: Whenever I asked him to make a plan for any school break, he’d ask when the school break was. I sent him links to the school website, but he couldn’t even be bothered to save a screenshot or make a note of the dates. So he’d ask again the next time around too.
He couldn’t be bothered to update his phone number in the school records, so the office couldn’t contact him during an emergency. I informed him about all parent-teacher meetings.
He said he couldn’t make it and that it made sense for me to go because he didn’t know the teachers—even in September, when neither of us knew the new teachers. (Side note: he doesn’t work; I do, so I thought it was logical for him to attend so I wouldn’t have to take time off work.)
I’d send him all important dates—school plays, shows, sports events, etc. He’d pick and choose the ones that didn’t involve much interaction. Reading together on World Book Day was a no-go, but watching the kids race was okay.
I even invited him to events organized by clubs my child is in (clubs I organized and paid for myself), but he always had an excuse unless the events fell on “his weekends.” Even then, he’d sometimes ask me to swap weekends.
I accepted this for over a year for the sake of peace. I wanted my kid to see her dad support her achievements too. But it’s been so long, and I’m just tired of having to both handle the responsibility and remember to give him updates about it. It also feels like I’m trying to make him involved when he clearly isn’t interested.
So last autumn, I announced to him that it was on him to stay up to date with our child’s school stuff. I gave him two weeks to get everything sorted. I even listed all the important apps and websites so he wouldn’t miss anything. (The only one I didn’t share was a payment portal, as I knew he wouldn’t care about that one).
I promised to still share any information passed via written notes or letters, as obviously, he wouldn’t have access to those otherwise. I followed through with it. It took him two months to realize what had happened, and now he’s furious, saying that I’m using the child against him.
He got his family involved, and now they’re all bombarding me with texts saying that I’m the a#$^ole for doing this to him and our child. His mother also pointed out that she’d done everything herself and didn’t involve her husband in the school stuff, so she knows it’s not that hard, and I’m being dramatic. AITA?
3vinator says:
NTA. He's your ex, not your partner so his mom's argument doesn't stand. Just because she puts up with useless partners, you don't have to do the same. Exactly what are you "doing to him"? You're not keeping him from any information, you're not locking him out.
You gave him all the access he needs to find the information himself. The only thing you did was help him. Repeatedly. Send that to your ex-family and tell them to leave you alone or block them. If he can't be bothered to be involved that's not on you.
With this much weaponized incompetence he's lucky to hold a job. Does he ask his boss to read out his e-mails for him and manage his calendar as well or is he suddenly capable of normal adulting when it doesn't concern you?
OP responded:
Funny you should say that, because he doesn't have a job Lol. That's why I secretly hoped he'd step up and be a team player at least during my work hours.
Rosespetetal says:
Why are you still in contact with his family? Block them. Listen to what he is saying with his actions. He is not interested in your child. Stop being codependent with him. All this information is available to him if he cared to look. Relax. You are not responsible for your daughter having a relationship with her father.
OP responded:
I'm not really in touch with his family. I've not heard from them for a while, so the spam was surprising. I've blocked them. I do appreciate that I was TA to myself for over a year, and I do get what you're saying.
It was just a mum guilt kicking in and making me try to do everything to keep my kid happy- that's why I tried to get him involved in her school events. I luckily have changed my ways now and am ready to "relax" like you said and make him sort out his priorities!