'AITA for not 'disrespecting' my mom's husband's last name by not changing mine?'
"AITA for never using the family last name?"
TechnicalBeginning93 writes:
I (16m) live with my blended family. I don't have any full siblings because my parents divorced when I was 2. I have two half-siblings (12 and 9) from my mom. My dad died when I was 7, so I don't split time between houses anymore.
My mom met her husband when I was 10 and married him when I was 11. He brought three step-siblings (14, 12, and 10) into the marriage. They live mostly with us and see their mom for three weeks every summer.
When my mom got remarried, she decided to keep her last name because my half-siblings had it. Instead, they hyphenated both last names, and some of the kids changed theirs too. The others didn't, but they use the family name anyway. So they'll say they're a Jones Smith, and they write it on some things for school.
I only use my last name, Doe. My mom has asked me about five times since she remarried to change my last name, but I still say no. I told her I would add her family name on as a middle name if she wanted, but she said she didn't like that I was the only person not connected and that I was rejecting the family name.
I asked why it only bothered her after she remarried, and she said it was because I only use Doe and I don't embrace being a Jones Smith. She said it's hurtful that I don't want to embrace everything that comes with her marriage and our blended family.
She told me that she knows I don't really like her husband (stuff that I don't really see a reason to get into but will if asked), but she said he's a good guy and a better dad than my half-siblings' dads, and that he would be a really awesome second dad to me if I let him be.
I told her I was good and I wanted to keep using my name. When she brought up how good he is, I told her my dad wasn't a bad guy like my half-siblings' dads were, and that he was in my life until he died. He didn't abandon me like their dads did.
Last weekend, my mom and her husband brought us to this activities workshop because my step-siblings had just gotten back from their time with their mom. One of the activities we had to do was drawing a family crest (I think that's what they're called), and I did one for Doe while everyone else did Jones Smith.
My mom's husband told me I should have done one for Jones Smith too because it was a family experience. My mom asked me if I wanted to go back and do another one for Jones Smith, and I said no.
The next day, my mom and her husband told me I don't need to be so rigid about the name and that never using it just makes it look like I hate all of them. My mom told me she could have changed my name without my permission, but she tried to work with me and I spat in her face right back.
I told her I could just change it back eventually if she had done that. They looked upset that I said it, but it's true. Then they talked more about how they see me never using Jones Smith as a bad thing. AITA?
OP responded to some comments.
Bolha2 says:
NTA, it's your name, apart from the legacy of your father who you've loved and who has loved you from your words, it's also a huge hassle to change the name on all official documents and stuff like that. Doesn't have to do anything with hating them.
OP responded:
I've also heard it's really risky now to change your name multiple times and I would always change it back eventually if mom had mine changed against my wishes. I'm not sure what it is that makes it such a risk/pain but I see people talking about it and warning women getting married to keep their own names because of legal issues with changing them.
zsdeelo says:
NTA. It's your connection to your dad. It kind of feels like your mom is trying to erase him to make her new husband feel better. Telling you she could have changed it without your permission is a really messed up thing to say.
OP responded:
I know my mom was telling the truth. Legally I couldn't stop her from changing my name when she got married. But I could change it back. My mom being willing to do that would have really f&#%ed with our relationship.