'AITA for not wanting additional chores after moving in with my dad and stepmom?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting additional chores after moving in with my (19f) dad and stepmom?"
Mystical-Ferrett writes:
Hey AITA, I’m 19F and in college. I go to school in the city I grew up in and I’m working on my bachelor’s degree, but I live at home to save money. My parents aren’t together and had me pretty young, so they didn’t really have anything saved for me. I’ve got a mix of scholarships, and since I don’t have to pay rent or other big expenses, I don’t have any loans.
I’ve always split time between my parents, week on and week off, and I’ve continued that into college. A few weeks ago, my mom and stepdad (35F and 40M) told me they were finally expecting a baby after years of trying. I was so happy for them until they said I couldn’t keep living there because they needed to focus on the baby and there wouldn’t be enough room.
They actually do have enough space, but I understand that having a baby is a big deal, especially since it’s my stepdad’s first. They were kind about it when they told me. It wasn’t like they were kicking me out. I love them both and want them to have time for themselves and their baby, so I asked my dad (35M) if I could live with him full-time.
I guess he didn’t talk to my stepmom (42F) about it, because when I showed up, she wasn’t happy. They have two kids together (8 and 6), and she has two from a previous relationship (14M and 16F) who still live there full-time.
I share a room with her daughter when I stay there, but her kids don’t see their dad, so they’re always around. I’ve always gotten along with everyone and consider her kids my siblings. When I’m not in school or working, I go to their games, take them out, and sometimes pay for things like food or tickets. They’re really sweet but kind of shy. The little ones are still so young that I don’t do much with them yet.
Anyway, my stepmom now wants me to either start paying rent ($500 a month) or take on a lot of extra chores. For the record, I already help out. I always have. But she wants me to do things like drive all four kids to and from school so they don’t have to take the bus, make their lunches, and help them with homework, on top of my existing chores like cleaning all the bathrooms and doing the yardwork.
I tried to compromise by offering to take the older two to school in the mornings on my way to class (their school is kind of on the way), and to help them with homework, but I can’t pick them up after school.
Doing that would mean leaving campus in the middle of the day, missing labs or study groups, and then driving back again. My school days usually run from 8 to 6, and some days I even have class during pickup time. Making lunches for four picky kids plus my dad and stepmom also feels like too much on top of school and my 35-hour work week (mostly weekends).
My dad thinks my compromise is fair, but my stepmom doesn’t. She’s been pretty cold to me and keeps calling me whenever she has what she calls an “emergency.” The last time it happened, she wanted me to pick up the kids because she decided to go to a networking happy hour.
I feel like a burden, but I know I’m saving money by living here. I don’t want to tell my mom about any of this and stress her out. My stepmom keeps saying it’s my mom’s fault, but when my mom had my younger siblings, I only came over every other weekend to give them space because that’s what she wanted.
I just feel like none of this is fair, but also like I’m in the way. My dad says I don’t have to pay rent or do the extra chores, but I don’t want to cause problems in their relationship. So, AITA for agreeing to do only some of the chores my stepmom wants me to?
OP added this extra context.
I wanted to say I’m really sorry. I was upset and tired last night and didn’t handle things well. I talked to my dad, and he’s going to deal with my stepmom. They’re not legally married, he let her move in when she got pregnant because she was losing her place, and they had a backyard ceremony, but it’s not official.
He promised he won’t kick out her older kids because they haven’t done anything wrong, but he’s been unhappy with her behavior for a while now. As for my mom, I think I misunderstood things. It was always just the two of us before my stepdad came along, and he’s been really kind to me compared to my stepmom.
When they asked if I could spend more time at my dad’s for a few months after their baby was born, I took that as them not wanting me around and moved out right away. I think I overreacted. I’m going to talk to my mom today. I’ve been avoiding her and not visiting like she wants because I know I’ve been acting immature about the baby.
Here's what people had to say to OP before she posted an update:
HumanRace2025 says:
I'm so sorry your parents have treated you this way. It might be a good idea to talk to your mom, ask her if you can stay there until you finish college, and offer to help with the baby when you aren't in school or studying. Tell her about the stepmother's demands, and start distancing yourself from your stepmom. Soon you'll be on your own, you just need a bit of support for the next few years.
ImaginaryAd5712 says:
OP you need to tell your mom and dad, leave the steps out, you need a place to live. You can’t afford to live on your own yet, you are a student. You are still their child I don’t care who has 5 kids or who is having a baby. Your mom was AH for doing this knowing your dad has a full house. They weren’t really being nice. You could still be living there. She kicked you out.
repthe732 says:
She doesn’t want you there which is why she’s doing this. The taking the kids to school instead of letting them take the bus like they already do is a dead giveaway.
Intelligent_Bad_5743 says:
You are absolutely NTA. I think your dad needs to stand up for you, his own child. She's treating you like a nanny and not a step daughter. You set your boundaries, now your dad has to set his. I'm sorry she's being awful towards you and not even compromising.
OP posted an update a week later.
Basically, I’m 19 and in school. My mom and stepdad are finally having a baby. When my dad and stepmom had their kids, I lived with my mom and stepdad full-time. I used to split time 50/50 between my parents, but when my mom got pregnant, I moved in with my dad full-time, and it really upset my stepmom.
She has two kids with my dad (they’re not legally married) and two teenagers from a previous relationship. One of them, a 16F, is my stepsister and the person I share a room with. Neither of their dads are in their lives.
My stepmom told me I either had to do a ton of extra chores or pay $500 a month in rent if I wanted to stay. I refused to do either, and my dad backed me up. That led to a huge fight between my dad and stepmom.
It started because my stepsister, who I’ve always been kind to, threw a fit about sharing a room with me. For context, this has always been my room. She moved in a few years ago, and I never complained or made a scene about it.
But she started yelling at me, and her mom backed her up. I went to leave, but my stepmom took my car keys and told me I needed to get my things out of the bedroom and move to the basement. I laughed and told my dad what happened.
I think that was the last straw for him. After everything that’s happened, he finally told her she needed to leave. She went to stay with a friend and has been there for the past few days. It’s been tough because now my dad and I are taking care of all the kids.
He wasn’t going to kick any of them out, but he made it clear to my stepsister that I would not be moving into an unfinished basement. I was feeling really uncomfortable, so I went to see my mom.
I told my mom everything, and she was devastated that I hadn’t told her sooner. I felt awful. I thought I was protecting her from stress while she was pregnant, but if I’m honest, I was probably just mad at her and using that as an excuse. That was immature of me. She said she knew I wasn’t great with babies but never thought I’d move out full-time, she just wanted me to spend more time with my dad for a few months.
Now I actually feel terrible. My parents don’t get along, and I’ve always treated them more like friends than people I could rely on for support, which I realize now was wrong. After I told my mom everything, she actually called my dad for the first time in years. It was wild. She apologized to him, and then he told her she didn’t need to apologize. I honestly felt like I was in the twilight zone.
My stepsister went to live with my stepmom at her friend’s house, but my stepbrother (who’s always been kind to me) wants to stay with us. There’s no space for the younger kids at that house, and my stepmom told my dad to “figure it out.”
I get that she’s upset, but those are still her kids. My mom and stepdad said I’m not their parent and told my dad that if he’s going to ask me for help with the kids, he should also ask them. When I used to babysit the younger ones, I’d sometimes bring them to my mom’s house so she could help me, so they all know each other.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I see my parents differently now. I used to think I was completely on my own and had to handle everything myself. For example, when I got a speeding ticket, I found and paid for a lawyer without telling them.
When they found out, they were upset that I didn’t ask for help. I think I need to start viewing my parents as people who are here to support me, not as people I owe something to.