'AITA for not wanting full custody because my husband says I'm too weak to have a kid?'
"AITA for refusing full custody of my daughter after my husband asked for a divorce?"
Budget-Fishing7420 writes:
I (31F) have been together with my husband Alex (33M) for 7 years, married for 4 years. Alex was always really excited about the prospect of children from the beginning of our relationship. I was always on the fence. I've seen how hard single moms have it. I promised myself I'd never be in that position.
Plus, I work as a software engineer. I love my career, and I didn't want to give it up to be a mom. After Alex and I got married, those fears went away. We were very much in love, I felt safe with him, I told him my fears, and he said all the right things to make them vanish. So we tried for a baby and had our daughter Ramona two years after we got married.
The pregnancy and first year with the baby were extremely hard on me. I had multiple health problems during and after the pregnancy that were life-threatening and altered my body permanently. I was disabled and nearly died once in the 6 months after I gave birth, and during this time, my husband grew distant and became angry frequently when we'd speak.
I spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital and was unable to work, so a lot of the baby care went to him during this time. It was all I could do to stay alive and get better, being separated from my daughter and husband so much.
Eventually, I did get well enough to help more with the baby, but after I was discharged from the hospital, he barely spoke to me. I want to clarify early that at no time did I ever neglect our daughter when I was able to care for her. I leaned on him a lot during this period, but I was also fighting for my health and my life so that I could continue to be there for her. If I had pushed myself too hard, I would have made it worse or been dead.
We stayed in a state of limbo like this for a while. I was still in recovery, not back to 100% yet but able to resume a somewhat normal life, and we shared more responsibility for Ramona. I tried talking to him many times over the next 6 months, but it was more of the same thing. He wouldn't speak to me, or he'd get angry at every little thing I did, insist I was making things up, and blame me for somehow criticizing him.
It was a constant deflection from whatever was bothering him. I got another job about 9 months after the pregnancy, and things seemed to improve for a while—or at least I thought. Not long after Ramona's 1st birthday, Alex served me with divorce papers. He said he'd fallen out of love with me a long time ago and he was ready to start anew.
I was in shock. Things had started to improve between us, but he explained that was because he'd decided to leave, and he felt less unhappy. It was a Saturday when this happened, so I made sure he was going to be home to care for Ramona for the weekend, then I packed a bag and left until Sunday evening.
I didn't say where I was going—and truthfully, I didn't really go anywhere but drive. I drove two states over by the time I stopped. I needed to think. When I got back Sunday evening, he was pissed I'd left him alone with our daughter. He's always seemed really put off anytime he had to care for her alone, and this time was no exception.
I sat him down and very carefully said, "I will grant you a no-contest divorce, but I am not accepting full custody of Ramona." If he was only pissed before, he was explosive now, and everything he hated about me finally came out. That I was a horrible mother, that I wasn't strong enough to even be a mother, that I was too weak to carry a child, and now I was abandoning her.
I very calmly stated that I loved her dearly and would not abandon her, that I would pay child support and visit her every other weekend, that I would be there for her in any way I could, but I had been very clear with him when we got married that I would never be a single mom.
He became borderline violent at this, grabbing things like he was going to throw them and screaming that I was ruining his life on purpose. I wasn't going to stick around to be talked to like this, so I went and checked on Ramona, gave her a kiss, then grabbed my bag and left again.
A couple of days later, his mother texted me. He'd left Ramona with her for a few days, and she had some nasty things to say to me. That a mother should never leave her child, etc. I told her it wasn't her business and that her son doesn't get a free pass to restart his life because his wife nearly died when she was pregnant, and he became resentful of the responsibility.
He's also blown up my phone asking me when I'm going to come back so "you can take YOUR daughter," but I've only replied, "I've already told you what's going to happen here." I love my daughter immensely, and I will be a provider for her, I will always support her, but I won't be her primary parent. So, AITAH?
Here are the top rated comments from readers of the post.
bizianka says:
Poor kid, that's all I can say.
ShiroineProtagonist says:
Have you looked into adoption? I wouldn't trust your husband with her. I'm sure you could find a nice family for her. Better than bringing her up feeling unwanted.
Bill__7671 says:
Give the baby up for adoption you’re both Ah’s and she deserves better!
Ghost3022 says:
You're certainly no more of an AH than men who do the same thing. You're not wrong for granting his wish for a divorce. And you're not wrong for not letting him be single and free of responsibility. You both brought this child into the world so you both are responsible for her 50/50.
What exactly that responsibility looks like will be determined by the courts. But in reality, neither one of you deserve this child that you're both fighting to get rid of. Hopefully an arrangement works out where at least someone loves this child the way that she deserves to be loved.