'I don’t want to go on the family trip my ex-BFF invited me on after he ghosted me.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for stepping down as a bridesmaid so close to my BFF's wedding, because bride didn't want me to be one in the first place?"

Editors note: this first post is to add additional relational context to the following two posts.

For context: My best friend "Tom" (36M) and I (34F) are really close. Our father were friends since their teens and our mother were friends at college. His mom wanted a daughter so when I was born she became my godmother.

Tom is engaged to "Ann", their wedding is going to be in less than 2 weeks. Tom and I live in a different state from our parents, so most of the wedding party is Ann's friends and family, Tom wanted his brother ("Jim") to be a groomsman and asked me to be a bridesmaid with Jim, we're the only 2 people related to Tom in the wedding party.

During dress shopping day I noticed that all the other girls were very cold towards me. They would either ignore my attempts to initiate conversation or give very short answers. Every time I was with them I tried to bound but I was getting uncomfortable with the situation until Ann's cousin started to attend this events and interacted with me.

My godmother came earlier to help Jim move out of Tom's apartment. He's been living there since he got a job here last year. They co-own the apartment, but he decided to sell his share and move out before the wedding. Ann wanted him to move sooner so they could remodel the apartment to be more "her taste", this would spark a lot of arguments between them.

Last week my godmother called me, she was very disappointed with my behavior and wanted to talk to me. She said she was expecting me in the bridal shower that afternoon and I didn't showed up, just like in Ann's bachelorette party. I showed her my phone and there was no invitation to go to either events, in which I had no idea they were happening or when.

I told her about the cold shoulder I would get every time I was doing something with them and it wouldn't surprise me they wanted to have a party without me to be more comfortable among themselves, it wouldn't bother me if they had not lied about me refusing to participate out of spite for Ann. She promised me she wasn't going to talk to either Ann nor Tom about it because I did not want to create drama.

On Monday Tom called me asking "what's going on". His mother and Ann had a huge argument over the apartment renovation (again) and after Ann saying something like "it would had be done sooner if Jim had moved to a hotel sooner."

My godmother blew up which prompt Ann to admit she never wanted us in the bridal party. Tom was angry at me for not letting him know I was being treated badly before things got to that point.

I told him I didn't want to add to his plate and create more arguments around the wedding, but since Ann never wanted me as bridesmaid I'd step down. I knew Jim wanted to step down long ago because of the arguments around him moving, he didn't for Tom. Now Ann's friends are calling me an AH for stepping down so close to the wedding as "revenge" on Ann. They say I should just apologize Ann for all.

Two and a half years later, OP wrote another post.

"I don’t want to go on the family trip my ex-BFF invited me on after he ghosted me."

For context: Tom (38) and I (36F) have known each other our whole lives. Our families have been close for decades, and his mom is also my godmother. He has three older brothers, and our parents are really close. Although our families still live in another state, Tom and I both moved away years ago. His brother Jim (40) relocated to our state about six years ago for work, which brought us all even closer for a while.

After Tom’s wedding, Jim lived with us for a few months before buying a place in our building. My husband (39M) and Jim had gotten close through work and shared interests, so having him around just felt natural. A lot of late-night gaming too. Meanwhile, things with Tom started to shift.

After wedding drama, his wife, Ann, set some boundaries when it came to me. I respected that, but it changed the dynamic between Tom and I. We went from being like siblings to something more distant and careful. For a while, we only really saw each other during family events, birthdays, holidays, or when our parents visited. Then came March of last year.

Jim and my husband were coming back from a work trip with two coworkers when another driver tried to pass on a curve and hit them head-on. The driver of their car passed away instantly. My husband was in the front seat. Jim was behind him.

All three survivors were rushed to the hospital. I met my husband at the ER. He was conscious but in pain. He kept telling me to check on Jim, that he was going to be okay. That was the last full thing he said. He died a few hours later during emergency surgery.

After his surgery, Jim was taken to ICU. I stayed with him until my godmother arrived. I called Tom to let him know. He never came. He only spoke to his mom. I was alone in that hospital for almost two days. The rest of that year is a blur.

My in-laws and parents took turns staying with us. Jim pulled through, but it was months of rehab and panic attacks from survivor’s guilt. Somewhere in the middle of it all, the three of us (me, my son(4) and Jim) just held each other up. I stopped reaching out to Tom. He didn’t reach out to me either. I understood giving his marriage space.

But when everything happened and he still stayed away, it broke our friendship. Now, out of nowhere, Tom wants to reconnect. He’s planning a family vacation with his brothers, their partners and kids, and wants me and my son to join “like old times.” Everyone else is on board. I’m the only one hesitating. Because honestly? I don’t trust him. Tom wasn’t there when I needed him most.

And I’m not mad he chose his wife. I just wish he hadn’t chosen silence too. He says this trip is an olive branch. He keeps insisting I go or at least tell him why I don’t want to. And the truth is… I haven’t moved past what he didn’t do.

I don’t want to start anything. But I also don’t want to pretend none of it happened. And I don’t know how to explain that without reopening something I’ve worked really hard to survive.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

DubiousPeoplePleaser wrote:

“My entire life I have considered you like family. Like a brother. When our friendship strained your marriage, I respected that and stayed away. But I still thought you cared for me like family. Then my husband passed and you didn’t reach out once. That is when it dawned on me that you don’t care about me at all. So no, we won’t be going on this trip, because I don’t have space for someone so hurtful in my life.”

The_Wee-Donkey wrote:

Just because Tom is willing to move on and reconcile doesn't mean you have to be in the same place.

You lost your husband and were there for his brother and son without any support from him. That's not something you simply move past with a family vacation.

An apology needs to come with acknowledgement of what he did wrong, atonement, and a promise to do better. Tom is just wanting to splash some cash and hope you forget his behaviour. Do what's right for you, and no, you don't owe him an explanation, just like you didn't get one. So sorry for your loss.

Lumpy_Commission_188 wrote:

Best advice Do the what you fells right and comfortable to you and only you.

Tight-Shift5706 wrote:

OP, I'd simply advise him: "Too little, too late". Please give my best to your parents, siblings and their spouses. Then block him. There really is NOTHING to talk about. You lost your husband for God's sake. You helped nurse his brother back to health. AND HE NEVER, EVER REACHED OUT! Not to you. Not to his own brother.

Obviously, that former-BFF died when he married. Keep it that way. Don't allow him the opportunity to clear his conscience. That's what this is all about. For if he gave a damn about you or his brother, he'd have been there for both of you. This isn't an olive branch. Its a save his face campaign.

Suspicious_Fan_4105 wrote:

INFO: why is Tom’s wife suddenly okay with you being invited on the trip if yall couldn’t even be friends after he got married? I’m so sorry for your loss OP. That said, you absolutely DO NOT need to tell Tom why you won’t go on the trip.

Doesn’t matter if he’s bringing an entire olive tree, his behavior during and after the crisis is reprehensible; he could have at least sent a message instead of silence. You do what you need to do to protect your peace, that’s the most important thing. You don’t own him or anyone else a reason why you’re not going

OP responded:

As far as I know it’s been something my godparents and my parents have been trying to mend. I understand that both our families are close, and his brothers took turns helping us out during Jim’s recovery since I was in no position of driving him to doctor’s appointments and all that.

I’m close with all of them so is my brother. The difference between Tom and I was our close age and shared interests that made us be glue together since childhood.

Sidneyreb wrote:

I'm sorry but this is confusing. You are married/widowed. You lived with your husband, Tom and his wife plus Jim, for a time, in an apartment?

Tom is a pseudo brother to you and a pretty shit brother to his actual brother. He appears to want you to forget all that and just be happy he's gotten through his 'difficult time.' You could suggest to Tom that you'll let him know when and if you're ready to forgive him for his grievous absence when you needed him.

OP responded:

Tom and Jim had bought a place together, but when Tom proposed his than fiancée wanted Jim out. It all blew up a couple weeks before their wedding. While Jim was in a hotel looking for a new place my husband offered our place for him to crash.

He had already received money for his share of the property to invest in a new one. So Jim lived with us for about 3 months until he moved out to his own place.

Eleven days later, OP shared an update.

I didn’t think I’d be updating this quickly, but here we are.

I took your comments into consideration, along with what’s been coming up in grief counseling, and made some peace with parts of the situation.

I don’t hold Tom accountable for not supporting me: you can’t demand support from someone who never really offered it. And Tom and I had already grown distant before my husband passed, but I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt. Tom went to the funeral, but after that: nothing, not even a text. To answer what a few asked: No, I’m not romantically involved with Jim. We’ve gotten close this past year. My son adores him.

But I’m not ready to open my heart again, and Jim’s never hinted at wanting more. Our therapist calls our relationship a “limbo”. Not quite something, but too close to be nothing. Especially now, with my son asking Jim to go to his Father's Day presentation because “he does dad things and now he doesn’t have a dad.” So yeah…it’s weird. Confusing as hell, with a small kid in the mix.

Now for the update: I decided to call everyone individually (my parents, godparents, each of Tom’s siblings, including Jim). They were all understanding. They suggested a small trip for my birthday without Tom, which I agreed to. They’re right, I do need some normalcy, but that doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened. I left Tom for last. I was honest with him.

He got frustrated that I wasn’t willing to “just let it go.” He said he hates hospitals, he was scared for his brother and froze, after some time he just didn't know how to make amends and asked me to not make him the villan. I kept thinking that while he "froze" I had news that Jim might never wake up by a doctor, and less than an hour I was making calls to let my in-laws know that their son was gone.

I took care of the funeral because I could not ask my MIL to do it, she was doing her best with my son at home while also grieving the loss of her son, my parents and godparents took the first flight avaliable, but still it was only on the next day. I let Tom know that it is unfair of him to compare his fears to what I had to endure alone those first 48 hours.

He understood we’re never going back to what we were. He still organized the original trip with his siblings, but he knows I won’t be there. I’m not ready to talk to him again beyond this. Hopefully, my birthday trip will be a good start to moving forward, and that Tom will respect the space I need without pushing.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Odd-Consideration754 wrote:

What confuses me (and maybe I missed it somehow) is why is Tom’s wife suddenly ok with op going on a trip with tom? It seems like she would be even more insecure now that she is a widow and technically single (even though I fully understand you wouldn’t be interested no matter what).

Was tom not going to tell her about the trip and let her lose her mind on a grieving woman when she found out?! Or did she know and have intentions of being hurtful to her on the trip?

OP responded:

I truly have no idea if Ann was ok or not about me going on a trip. We don’t talk since their wedding. I never really tried to make any amends with her. After cutting Tom too I realized that sometimes a rift is a good thing.

the_greek_italian wrote:

If he wants to "just let it go," then he can start by making a proper apology. The very LEAST he could have done was send you a text.

He cannot let his own fears and wife's boundaries be an excuse for his behavior when the rest of his family was still able to reach out and be there for you. Not to mention that you helped take care of his brother! I'm quite curious to know where his wife stands with this trip he planned knowing you had been invited.

OP responded:

*Being honest I really don’t know if Ann was ok or not. We don’t talk since their wedding. I remember remarks from while I was in the wedding party. Her friends were always saying it was “weird that he lived with his brother and were still close to his childhood friends."

We come from different backgrounds. Our family is Italian, our grandparents were Italian, we don’t get merry and to leave the family but to make it grow.

My husband was also from a Italian household so for him it made as much sense as it did to me, he was very close to all his cousins and even after his d**th I am still close with his family, just yesterday I was in his cousin’s daughter Baptism not out of politeness, but because I’m still family.

Ann’s family is different you get married and only special holidays or events are “family” but nuclear always come first. I don’t know if this makes sense to you guys.*

Lower_Link_6570 wrote:

You’re still trying to justify your grief and boundaries to someone who abandoned you when you were in your darkest hour. Why? Tom ghosted you after your husband died. That’s not someone who “froze.” That’s someone who chose distance...when it cost him nothing to send even a single text. People show who they are when things get hard.

He showed you. Letting go of what you thought the friendship was doesn’t mean you're bitter... it means you’re finally seeing it for what it actually was. You don’t owe Tom a reunion, a reconciliation, or even a “conversation”... and honestly, giving him that one-on-one call was more closure than he earned.

He doesn't get to decide when you should “just let it go,” especially after you had to carry trauma that he wouldn’t even look at. He made himself a side character in your life. Let him stay there. As for Jim... limbo isn’t a place you build a future in. It's not healthy for you or your son to orbit a maybe. Kids pick up on more than we give them credit for, and your son’s words are a giant emotional billboard.

Either that connection needs to grow roots...or be redefined with real clarity. Not all emotional safety nets are safe long-term. The fact that you still took care of everyone else... from the funeral to your child to managing delicate family dynamics... while processing your own loss, says everything about your strength.

But strength doesn’t mean letting people back in because they finally felt guilty enough to explain themselves. Go on your birthday trip. Reclaim joy. Reclaim space. And keep your circle filled with people who show up when it counts...not just when it’s convenient. You’re not the villain here...and you don’t have to keep proving it.