'I don’t want my husband of 24 years coming on a family cruise.' AITA? 'He's aged in DOG YEARS.' UPDATED

"AITA? I don’t want my husband coming on a family cruise..."

I (50f) have been with my (52m) husband for 24 years. Over the past few years, he’s aged in dog years. My fun-loving, energetic happy husband has become someone who only sits and stares at the wall. When he’s not doing that, he’s sleeping. Without interference, he would sleep for 20 hours out of every 24.

He’s been like this for 4 years now, has seen 20 doctors and takes three pills for each one he saw. In January, he broke a bone in his foot walking up the stairs because he developed a heel wound and didn’t tell anyone. Bone infection = weak bones.

Since then, he’s been hospitalized three times, had two surgeries (currently has a large external fixator on his right ankle/leg that resembles like a metal halo) and two more planned. I have to give him IV antibiotics twice a day through his PICC line(second round of 6 weeks) as he can’t see well enough to do it himself.

He gets daily wound care to his heel from visiting nurses that I have to do 4 days a week because they will only come three times a week. Plus, I have to change it every time the dressing falls off which is another 2-3 times a week. As you can imagine, he cannot work which forces me to carry every burden we have. I have had to work more hours to support the entire family.

I have to clean our house, cook every meal, pay the bills, food shop, car maintenance, arrange and go to medical appointments. I just had to fix the garbage disposal that my husband dropped a fork into and our youngest’s scooter got a flat...Oh, did I mention we have two daughters, 21 & 12? We do or rather, I do.

If someone is awake but spaced out only 4 hours a day, can you really call them a parent? A year ago, we booked a cruise for the family. A week in the Caribbean, water parks, snorkeling, sight-seeing, shows, food, you name it. We have all been looking forward to it but I am desperate to go.

I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I need a vacation, a break. I’m being pulled in every direction 24/7. We learned two days ago that the large metal apparatus in his foot is not coming off anytime soon. Plus, the wound is healing incredibly slow. My husband and I talked about the cruise. It’s in a month. He says he is going.

I told him that I didn’t think he should. I told him I needed a break. That he can’t do anything once we are there (he can’t swim or submerge the leg with the fracture). That he isn’t supposed to be up and around as he’s ordered to be non-weight bearing on the one leg.

I told him it would be completely unfair to me and the girls as I would be forced to nurse him and push him everywhere in a wheelchair while our daughters would feel guilty about leaving him behind and going anywhere.

How is that fun? I explained all that and more. He says he’s going. He will just sit in the casino with all the money he doesn’t have. I told him ‘no’. He’s mad and sulking. So, AITA? I don’t want him going.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

spookyookykittycat said:

NTA. Everyone saying “in sickness and in health” are really weird. You’re not saying you’re going to divorce him over his health, but that you need a vacation/break from being his caregiver which is 100% valid.

Creative_Pop2351 said:

NTA. Cruise ships are cesspools, absolutely zero way i’d take someone with multiple open wounds on one.

myinstigator said:

What happens if something happens to him on the ship? Do you have full travel medical coverage (for on a cruise/in other countries)? If no, then he needs to stay home. Medical care on a ship costs a fortune.

Educational_Fly_345 said:

Honestly, a cruise is NOT the place for a medically fragile person. I say go on it, enjoy it with your daughters, and tell your husband you all will plan a better trip all together. Certain accommodations can’t be met on a cruise, the food is not great for health, and it’s a bacterial nightmare.

My husband used to be an EMT and used to have to pick up patients at cruise ports all the time and more often than not, the patients were worse off than they should’ve been and it was because of being on the ship. It’s just not a good idea.

HilVis said:

NTA. Caregiver burnout is definitely a thing, and as a person with a chronic illness I understand where he is coming from too. The thing is - he can't do anything and he knows it.

He's probably depressed. I would say he can come if you can afford a nurse to also come for full time care. Otherwise, another trip can be planned when he's finally healed. The risk of getting another infection on a Caribbean vacation especially in an open wound is also high. Plus is he even eligible for insurance to go right now?

OP hasn't forsaken any vows at all - she's been there, stepping up for the past YEARS, and she's not leaving him for good, she's only asking for a week away. It's also tough on her kids I'm sure, especially the 12 year old to have an ill parent and for that reason alone she's NTA.

They deserve a week of not feeling guilty and not seeing their parent sick and hurting. Take your kids OP and enjoy your much deserved vacation. Oh and get counseling (individual and together) so hopefully you can work through some of these issues. Chronic illness sucks for everyone. Hang in there

tigerflii1969 said:

NTA and he should have a doctor's release before boarding which I doubt he can get. Talk to his doctor about it.

After reading the comments, OP provided an update with more information:

To address a common theme regarding my husband’s medical issues - the worst thing he has is diabetes which is/was completely uncontrolled prior to his foot fracture. By 50, he needed a second cataract removed because his average blood sugar was 500 for years.

He also has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, COPD, fatty liver...nothing a million other people don’t have and manage fine. He chooses not to. If the medicine he takes doesn’t fix the problem then he needs another medicine. He had a wound on his heel that he hid from everyone.

It festered then went to his bone. This entire mess was preventable but what does he care? I’m the one with all the extra work and stress. He gets to do nothing. Doesn’t have to work. Doesn’t have to do a thing but he should still go on the cruise? Still force me to wait on him all day every day so he gets a break? A break from what? Sleep?

Also, I should have mentioned in the OP that he has complete and utter control over his sleep schedule. When family visits or when we travel to visit his family, he’s awake like a normal person.

He might take an hour nap in the afternoon, but that’s it. Sleeps 8-9 hours then spends the day visiting with family. Once he’s home, he checks out. I begged him to participate in this family for years. Wake up. Be present. He always says ‘yes’ then does nothing different.

He’s sleeping right now after falling asleep 14 hours ago. I’m up, every morning at 5am with our youngest (she’s an early riser) before I then wake him so I can give him his antibiotics and do wound care. When that’s done, I go to work for 8-9 hours and he falls back to sleep.