'AITA for telling my fiancé's family I won't wear my SIL wedding dress because I want to wear my moms?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to wear the wedding dress my SIL gave to me as a 'wedding gift'?"

Capital_Manager_7070 writes:

I (F27) met my fiancé Jacob (M31) when I was 21. We've been together for 6 years and engaged for almost a year. My mother's wedding dress has been passed down for generations, and I remember being a little girl dreaming of walking down the aisle in it. We have recently been wedding planning, and we were invited to a dinner hosted by my fiancé's family on Sunday.

When we arrived, we greeted everyone and sat at the table to eat. SIL stood up, tapped her spoon against her glass, and said that she had to make a toast.She then said she would be right back before going into another room and returning with a large plastic bag.

Everyone seemed to be excited, but I just felt confused. I awkwardly smiled as I asked SIL what was inside the bag. She opened it up to reveal her wedding dress from her wedding two years ago.

Everyone began clapping as SIL announced that this was her official wedding gift to us and that she wanted me to wear her dress at the wedding. I tried to smile, but I guess I didn't do a good job of hiding my disappointment, and everyone began asking me what was wrong.

I tried to explain how I wanted to wear my mother's dress and that it was nothing personal, but that I refused to wear my SIL's dress. My SIL began crying as my in-laws began tearing into me and comforting her. I just burst into tears and ran outside.

My fiancé didn't even come after me, and after crying my eyes out on the steps for what felt like hours, he finally came outside and yelled at me to get into the car.

I was so confused, but I got into the car just to hear him berate me on how I had made such a big scene and embarrassed him in front of his family. He sounded so mad, and he even said he couldn't believe he chose to marry such a "b#%^y c^%t" (his exact words).

My fiancé also said how SIL was just trying to be nice and that her dress was more modern compared to my mother's dress which looked like an "old rag" (also his exact words). I tried to tell him how much my mother's wedding dress meant to me because I promised her that I would wear it.

I felt like my fiancé's family planned this and put me on the spot, thinking I wouldn't stand up for myself and just agree to wear SIL's dress. I don't think I did anything wrong, but a part of me thinks I should have just gone along with it and then told SIL in private that I wouldn't be wearing the dress. AITA?

OP provided an update:

Hi everyone, I just wanted to start off by saying thank you to everyone in the comments supporting me and all of the private messages reaching out (I haven't got to all of them but I'll try to whenever I can). I really didn't expect so many people to see my post but I just want to make it clear how grateful I am.

I know a majority of you told me to leave him and I took some time to think about it, but I know I can't leave without a proper conversation. At the end of the day, I spent 6 years with this man and this behavior was honestly out of the ordinary.

I agree with a lot of the comments saying that his family was influencing him because he used to be so caring and kind, but ever since the wedding planning began, he changed. Since the dinner on Sunday, he hasn't been talking to me at all and always leaves the room whenever I come in. His immature behavior and all of your comments have made me rethink my whole relationship.

I did end up making him sit down with me a few hours ago to talk about things and have an adult conversation. He was very dismissive and was just scrolling on his phone for a majority of the time.

I tried to explain how I felt put on the spot at the dinner and how his reaction and the fact he didn't come after me or comfort me post dinner was so hurtful and disrespectful. All he had to say in response was that I was being selfish and that my SIL was trying to help and I had just embarrassed her in front of everyone.

The conversation honestly went nowhere and I felt really sh^#$y and lost. Around an hour ago, he came up to me and apologized, saying that he was sorry and that he understood how I was feeling.

I asked what we would do about the dress and he told me that he had talked to SIL and she had agreed to let me wear my mother's dress during the reception, but I would wear her dress during the main ceremony.

I admit I kind of lost it because he said it as if I needed PERMISSION to wear MY WEDDING DRESS on MY WEDDING DAY. I haven't felt so disrespected in my life. I've just been sitting inside our bedroom and I'm pretty sure things are over after this.

I will admit my mother's dress is slightly old-fashioned, but I had talked to him before we got engaged about how it was my dream to wear it, which he had no problems with. The fact that he didn't respect how sentimental it was to me is what hurt.

Also, during our second conversation, he kept bringing up how his family was paying for a majority of the wedding (which yes, they were paying about 75% of it), but I tried to remind him that it was my wedding too.

Yes, I'm leaving him for sure now. I never intended to stay, and the only reason I thought we needed a conversation was because this behavior was recent and I wanted to understand what was going on.

I haven't told him that it was over officially, though it should be obvious, mainly because I'm scared he might do something violent. I need a few days to figure out things and I'm gonna tell my brother to pick me up so I can stay there for a few days. I'm logging off for now, but I'll update if anything happens.

Here are the top comments:

ElectionSad4856 says:

This is the type of husband that would be dismissive and choose his family over his wife.

TuneNew1008 says:

YES! Hes totally faking his apology! Hes a red flag, dont be a flag pole! Be thankful that happened before the wedding, you have a chance to run!

carose59 says:

The apology wasn’t real. If you marry him, he’ll go back to being who he’s been since the wedding planning started. He thinks he’s trapped you and he’s started being his real self. Run.

Sogemplow says:

My dude thinks he is planning the wedding. Take a break, go see your family. Leave the ring.

What do you think?