CreateGameTwinsx writes:
I (18M) live with my paternal grandparents, and I'm in college. I live 25 minutes from my mom, so we're not too far from each other. During the week, I'm in school, and on the weekends, I work. I make sure to take a couple of hours to meet my mom for a late lunch, coffee, or something. But that's not what this is about
My dad died when I was 7, and it was just me and my mom until I moved out. A few months before I moved out, she started dating a guy named Brad. I met him and his kids, and they were fine.
They moved in about three months ago, and now my mom and Brad are engaged. Brad's parents also moved close to their son and grandkids, so they live just a few houses away from my mom. I’ve met them twice.
I don’t have much to do with Brad or his kids. I’ve been asked to babysit a few times, but I always said no because I had other plans. My mom seemed okay with that, though she has mentioned a few times that she’d love for me to spend more time with them. I do see them occasionally, but nowhere near as much as I see my mom.
My mom’s birthday was the other weekend, and she had a small party at her house to celebrate. I was there, and I interacted with everyone just fine, but my focus was on my mom. During the party, she and Brad left the house for a bit to pick up her gift. Brad's dad stayed with the kids, and his mom approached me.
She told me the kids had been looking forward to spending time with me, but instead, I was interacting with others more and focusing only on my mom. This was only the second time I had met this woman. She also told me that Brad had hoped to spend some time with me. She said it seemed like I was only interested in maintaining a relationship with my mom and not in building a relationship with my family.
I asked her what business that was of hers, and she told me her family was involved. She said my grandparents had set a bad precedent by not considering Brad’s kids as honorary grandkids and by not embracing the fact that my mom had moved on from my dad. She told me I should be doing more—that if I love my mom, I should love her family and accept them as my own.
I moved away from her to avoid an argument, and once my mom and Brad returned, she didn’t try to approach me again. I didn’t say anything to my mom at the time, and we went for lunch the following week as usual.
But after our lunch, Brad’s mom texted me (she must have gotten my number from my mom or Brad), scolding me—or whatever you’d call it—for spending time with my mom but not organizing something for all of us to do.
She said I should be spending the time I have with my mom with her family. She told me it could be as simple as going to my mom’s house and being part of the family, acting as a big brother to the kids.
I told my mom about what Brad’s mom had said. Brad came in as we were talking, and he said he’d speak to her but that he would love for me to be more involved. He said he’d love to be a father figure to me and that having a kid as good as me be a sibling figure to his kids would mean a lot.
He emphasized that he wasn’t asking me to babysit, just to spend time with them so they could say they have an older brother. My mom apologized for what Brad’s mom had done and asked how I felt about being a big brother.
I told her I’d see what happens with Brad and his kids, but I wasn’t planning on signing up to be an older brother. I said they’d probably feel more like cousins to me. She was upset. Then Brad’s mom texted me again (I quickly blocked her). She asked why I had to go to her son about it when she was just trying to talk sense into me and help her family. AITA?
MissMurderpants says:
How entitled they all are towards you? Seriously, did mom ever actually sit and talk to you about her saying and being involved with someone new? Did she talk about how you feel about it all? Did y’all talk about expectations?
OP responded:
We did talk about it a bit but not crazy in depth. I was always pretty clear that if she ever dated again the guy wouldn't be my new dad or anything crazy like that.
No_Cockroach4248 says:
Brad is an adult but the poor boy, his mommy dearest is still fighting his battles. Your mom’s relationship with Brad is not going to last. Brad’s mother does not respect your boundaries, she sure as hell is not going to respect your mom’s boundaries. I have no idea why Brad wants to be a father figure to you, you are an adult. The excuse for you to hang out with his kids I get because that is another name for free babysitter.
What I find interesting though was Brad’s mother expecting your paternal grandparents to claim her grandkids as honorary grandkids. If I read correctly, Brad and his kids moved into the home you used to occupy with your mom.
I could well be wrong but I get the feeling all this wanting you and your grandparents to be part of one big happy family might have something to do with the fact your paternal grandparents are well off and/or the house your mom is living in is owned by your grandparents or held in trust for you? You might want to keep your paternal grandparents informed of Brad and his family. NTA
OP responded:
I don't think it's a free babysitting thing. Only because they mean hang out with all of them while he and my mom are there. The father figure thing is so weird and it's not like my dad's a deadbeat or I grew up without any male influences in my life. My dad died, grandpa was there for me my whole childhood.
My paternal grandparents aren't wealthy and I don't own the house. It's my mom's house. She bought it after dad died. Our old house she put the leftover amount into a savings account for me and I got access to that money after I turned 18.