'AITA for asking my dad if I can live with my grandparents instead of him?'
"AITA for asking my dad if I can live with my grandparents instead of him?"
I (m16) live with my dad, his wife, my stepsiblings (f10, m8), and my half sibling (m1). My dad's wife is pregnant again, so I have another half sibling on the way. Things at home are tense because my dad's wife does not like me for not loving my stepsiblings like full biological siblings or wanting to include them in everything.
It started after she and my stepsiblings moved in with me and my dad. My dad and his wife (girlfriend then) told me that my mom's parents and siblings were not okay with including my stepsiblings in holidays, parties, and other time I spent with them. So my dad wanted to know how I would feel about seeing them much less or not at all.
He said I do not have a relationship with his family (true), so they are my only extended family, but they did not want to treat all the members of our family, or all the kids in our family, the same. He said he did not think that should be rewarded, but he wanted to hear what I said.
I told him I thought it made sense that they would not want to include the kids, and I wanted to see them regardless. His wife asked what if that really hurt her kids’ feelings and what if this prevented us from becoming a real family, and I told her I did not want to lose my family for anyone. She told me I have two younger siblings to think about, and I told her I did not.
My dad decided not to change my relationship or access to my grandparents and my aunts, uncles, and cousins. He said he did not want to make me pull away over this and we would figure something out, but his wife disliked me after that.
She has commented at random times that I might treat her kids fine but I do not love them like siblings should be loved, and that it is wrong for me to pick adults who could reject kids over kids who just want to be loved.
I do not mind playing video games with my stepsiblings or making snacks for them. But I do not want them in every part of my life. I do not understand why I would need to include them in my mom's family when they have nothing to do with my mom (who died when I was younger) or her family. That is not how my dad's wife sees it, though.
She has said that if I loved them like real biological siblings, I would say it is all or none. She did not argue when she had my half sibling, but I think nothing changing for me then made her dislike of me worse. Now she asks me what I am doing every single day. If I make a sandwich, she asks me.
If I get a glass of water, she asks me. If I come out of the bathroom, she asks me. I even heard her and my dad argue over spending money on me to do activities. She does not think I should get any household money when I do not want to be the older brother to her kids.
My stepsiblings get very quiet when the tension is high. I get very frustrated sometimes. And she is pregnant again, so the whole thing is probably going to get worse. That is why I asked my dad if I could live with my grandparents.
I already talked to them to see if they would be okay with it, and then I asked my dad. He looked very hurt when I asked and asked why I would want that. I told him none of this is good and we need to stop living in this situation.
He told me I would make his wife even more convinced that I reject all of them, and I told him I do not care. That this is his family and he has more kids coming, and I have another home to go to where there is no constant tension.
His wife had a strange reaction. At first she got very angry and was saying negative things about me. Eventually her reaction was what I expected, and she wants me to go. But my dad is still upset and hurt that I want this.
I think it would be better for everyone because there is no way I am going to counseling with his wife, if that is something he wanted to try. That woman could move to Australia for all I care. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Trick-Stranger-2811 says:
NTA. You deserve far better, bud. I will never, for the life of me, understand why parents try and force the "blend." Your Dad honestly shouldn't have moved forward with this relationship the second that she started trying to force you to "love" them. Giant red flag. I'm glad you've maintained a healthy relationship with your Mom's side, though. Best of luck to you.
OP responded:
I'm glad my dad listened to me about that. There was nothing to stop him, at least for a while, ending the relationship and cutting contact between us. For all the shit I give him in my head for marrying his wife at least he did the right thing with my extended family for me.
ProfessionalBear4509
What has you dad said about how your step-mom treats you?
OP responded:
He hasn't said anything to me but he tells her to stop treating me like a criminal and to start remembering I'm a part of the family. Then she always tells him clearly I'm not because I'm fine with some of the family being rejected and left out.