"AITA for not going to sleep when my boyfriend wants me to?"
Antique_Giraffe_4907 writes:
My boyfriend (M25) and I (F23) have lived together for four years. He has work early in the morning, which means he goes to bed between 8 pm and 8:30 pm. He’s had this schedule for the four years we’ve lived together, and until recently, I’ve gone to bed with him at that time every night, even if I didn’t want to.
Since I don’t have work until later in the day, I stay up late until around 12 am or 1 am. But him wanting me to lay down with him when he has to go to bed means I just have to sit on my phone in bed for hours until I’m tired enough to fall asleep.
I can’t really do anything else in the room because he wakes up easily. Sometimes, if I was in the middle of doing something and it was time for him to go to bed, he would ask me to hurry up or stop doing it.
I would just go with him, but it started getting upsetting when I would have my sister come to visit for a few weeks or try to make plans with friends, and he would still ask me to go lay down with him.
A year ago, we got into an argument about it because I was getting frustrated that my days have to end so early even though there’s still stuff I want to do. He says he falls asleep easier if I’m in bed with him. After the argument, he wouldn’t really ask me to go to bed with him as much, but would just do a sad sigh if I said I was gonna stay up and do stuff.
Now recently, he’s been forcing himself to stay up if I say I’m going to stay up, which just makes me feel guilty, and then I end up going to bed with him. He already only gets about six hours of sleep on work nights because of his work schedule, so I feel bad.
We also recently moved into a new house that has the bathroom connected and facing the bedroom with no door, so if the light is on in there, it lights up the room. I’ve been brushing my teeth and doing my skincare in the dark since we moved in so I don’t wake him.
A few weeks ago, I needed the light on so I could tweeze my eyebrows really quickly because I had an event the next day and had forgotten to earlier in the day. He woke up like 20 seconds later, walked in, and said “seriously” really frustrated.
I got upset because of his reaction and that I can’t do things I want to in my own home. We got into an argument, and he said he wasn’t even that mad until he realized that I was mad about it. He said it was ridiculous that I was mad about him reacting that way. We ended up putting up curtains to resolve it.
I feel bad that his schedule is so hard and he probably just wants to spend time with me, but it’s getting annoying laying in bed for four hours before actually sleeping and not being able to do anything past 8 pm.
I’ve tried to just go to sleep earlier, but it ends up making me a lot more tired during my workday if I wake up really early. I’m trying to understand how he feels, but it’s getting frustrating. So AITA for not going to bed with him?
Here are the top comments:
NTA but you should make logistics of this better, like how come you didn’t realise that connected bathroom would be an issue? Ideally you should be able to enter the room quietly and for him to leave quietly.
Antique_Giraffe_4907 OP responded:
We honestly just didn’t think about it. We were very excited with the rest of the house and only saw it in the daytime so we didn’t realize how bright the bathroom light would be at night. I actually only saw a video of the house that he took during a walkthrough before we signed the lease but idk if I would have thought of that either if I seen it in person first.
We did get blackout curtains on the doorway which solved that problem! When we were in our previous house I would sometimes stay with him for like 10 or 15 minutes and then leave but sometimes it would wake him.
With this house it’s a little harder because our room is upstairs and we have a dog that has a back injury and we can’t really leave him in rooms alone so I would have to carry him up and down the stairs twice so he can go to the bathroom right before bed. I’ll definitely try to bring the conversation up at a good time thank you!
warofmochi says:
NTA. I think it’s cute that he sleeps better with you there but he also can’t expect you to basically sit in bed twiddling your thumbs until you’re tired enough to sleep. You’re essentially cutting your days way shorter for him with negative consequences for you, like not being as well rested at work.
I also think your bf is a little bit of an A for kind of manipulating you into feeling bad and guilty for not going to bed with him, even when your sister was visiting you for a few days.
Maybe you can sit down with him and have an open and honest conversation about the situation. E.g. is this job of his a more permanent thing or would he want to try and find a position elsewhere where he could start his work day later?
If that’s not an option (anytime soon) try to find a compromise. Maybe you could go to bed early with him not every night, but a select number and take up a “quiet” hobby (like reading, crocheting, knitting, etc).
Snoo23577 says:
The boyfriend is clearly out of line. Why develop hobbies to accommodate him further?!
Squeak_Stormborn says:
Yeah NTA. I have started going to bed really early for health reasons. I would love for my fiancé to do the same. I asked him once, he said he didn't want to go to bed that early, and it's never come up again. It's just a non-issue. Can't imagine quilting an adult into a bedtime.
NatashOverWorld says:
You're guilty that he wants you to spend 4 hours awake in bed so he can sleep better? Girl, you need to value yourself more. You're not a human shaped man-comforter. NTA.
What do you think?