'AITA for not being willing to care for my husband's mother?' UPDATED

"AITA for not being willing to care for my husband's mother?"

financial_issueTRA writes:

My husband of 16 years asked me if I would be willing to care for his mother. I told him no. When my husband asked why not, I told him the truth: we never got along, and she has always been passive-aggressive towards me.

I have been told that it is a thing many Hispanic mothers do when no one is good enough for their child. We are civil towards one another, and that is the best we can do.

My husband even dared to bring up the fact that he supported me when I took care of my dad who had cancer. I told him the situations were different because he offered; I did not ask. I also had other family members who were helping.

He is an only child and has no one else, so everything will mostly fall on my shoulders since he works long hours—sometimes 12 to 18 hours a day. Last week alone, he worked 84 hours. I told him I understand it may seem unfair, but the situations are different. I had support when it came to caring for my dad.

I will have nearly zero support in this case. Yes, he has offered to pay for extra support, but that will just eat into our budget. We are currently trying to save for a house, and I am not working as I am in school, trying to finish up my degree.

I took time off from teaching to care for my dad, and after he passed, I did not want to go back to teaching. So, at the moment, I am in my third year of an engineering degree. I do not wish to put that on hold to take care of his mother.

After I explained all of this, my husband just left and has not returned any of my phone calls. I spoke with my mom, but she was not very helpful. She found it silly that I even went to school in the first place. It got me thinking: am I the asshole for not wanting to put my own goals and life on hold again for a sick parent?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

UnlikelyPen932 says:

NTA (Not the A^@$ole). You are the caregiver in both scenarios. That is a heavy responsibility with lots of physical and emotional stress in the best of situations. Dad relationship was most likely a helluva lot nicer than the passive-aggressive hate from MIL.

Suggest to husband that you can finish your degree and get a better paying job that can ease burdens, time, and money so husband can be a caregiver to his mom. He can cook, clean, change bedsheets, chauffeur, etc. Something makes me think he won't be down with that.

Ill_Program_5569 says:

You can support him taking care of his mother in the same way he supported you taking care of your dad.

hello_reddit1234 says:

NTA you should not have to care for his mother but you should also not stop him paying for care for his mother. You quit your job to take care of your father - that financially penalised your family (husband and you). He should have the same flexibility.

Recent_Body_5784 says:

NTA no one should be forced to be a caregiver. Your husband could cut back on his work and take care of her himself or organize something else for her care. You shouldn’t have to put your studies and life on hold. They should have had a plan for this in place a long time ago.

Also, he helped out with your dad, he was not the principal caregiver. I’m sure that you would help out with his mom too, but you’re refusing to be the principal caregiver.

NoRestfortheSith says:

NTA however OP you might want to quickly figure out how you are going to support yourself and pay for your education and save for that house by yourself because it sounds like your husband is going to be your ex- husband soon and he will be spending all that money on his mother's care.

Later OP came back with this update:

My husband has been staying with his mother, my sister suggested I look into divorce and have the papers served ASAP to mitigate how much my husband uses of our marital assets.

I also spoke with my mother again, and she still falls on the side of my husband. At this point I am strongly considering going through with what my sister suggestion. Divorce now will favor me more, instead if I wait until resentment boils over.

I have only been able to speak to my husband once during this time, I did offer a compromise he waits until I find employment that matches what he makes or at the very least half.

He become visibly annoyed because waiting until I get employment that matches what he earns now will take years, and getting a job that only cover's half of what he makes will still require him to work longer hours until I graduate. He keeps pushing I go back to teaching for now and work on my degree part time.

I told him I will not delay my degree for a person that hates me. As many mentioned I asked how come he never put his mother in her place when she was passive aggressive towards me. He recounted the times he did stand up for me, but in the same breath he asked what did you expect me to do ignore my mother because she would not listen?

Then even had the balls to quote our current situation as a means to justify her feelings towards me. He asked me loaded questions that do not match the situation like would my parents like him if he put us in a situation where I had to work 84 hour weeks regularly to keep a somewhat comfortable lifestyle.

In my opinion that is not fair because once had I had to explain he offered, I did not ask him to do any of that. He was the one that came to me and asked if I wanted to stop working to care for my dad and focus on being around him.

Why would I say no to that? We also both agreed that going back to school to so something I would enjoy more than teaching was not a bad idea and once again it was his idea to fully fund it.

I offered to take out loans but he told me taking out loans just to defer the payments for a later date seems silly, and we should look at programs and school that fit within our budget as a family so I can graduate debt free. In short he said it makes no sense to take on debt for a second career at our ages.

I did not do any of this unilaterally like he is trying to do using our marital assets to fund his mother's care. No child should be a parents retirement plan end of story. He loves to bring up what I did for my dad, but the part he does loves to overlook is he did not actively take part in the care of my dad.

He did not move in with us, and he never had to physically take care of him. These situations are different, I also had family to help, he has no one. I get being an only child sucks, but that is not my fault.

So most likely I will be divorcing my husband because he refuses to see the difference, and I find to do what is best for my future overall.