'AITA for insisting it shouldn't be my job to take care of my mom?'
"AITA for insisting it shouldn't be my job to take care of my mom?"
My parents broke up when I (17m) was 4. My dad stuck around for a couple of years inconsistently before he met someone else and moved away so he could marry her and start a family. After that it was me and my mom and whatever guy she was seeing at the time, and my mom dated a lot.
None of them were good guys. Some stole from us, or weren't stable people or got arrested at our house in the middle of the night. Every time another relationship broke down, she fell apart a little more, and she relied on me more to be the man of the house and the adult.
My mom's parents and siblings always expected me to be there for her and to appreciate her staying, even if she was a mess who did not take care of me. It was expected that I would take care of her for being my mom and staying. Anytime I went to them for help or for a supportive adult, I was turned away or told I should not complain when my mom actually stuck around.
There were times my mom was so bad after a breakup that she would not leave her bed or room for weeks, and I had to spoon feed her several times. There were times I had to deal with her terrible boyfriends and I still had to make sure she was cared for.
My mom always expected me to be happy with all the random guys coming around our house. A few times, some complained about me ignoring them, and she would start to cry in my face. Then she would cry and tell me to say I forgave her when they physically attacked me.
She even took back a couple of guys who were jerks to me. She did the same even when they didn't treat her well. More than she cared about anything or anyone, she wanted to be with someone and would let them do whatever if it meant being in a relationship.
About a year ago, I started getting serious about my plans to move away from all of this. I knew she would not be in any condition to help me, and I knew her parents and siblings would turn me away.
So I started working, I started saving, I started researching plans, and I have been working on that while she has lost herself to three very close-together relationships this past year. My being at work and school so much meant I was not there to take care of her, and her family got involved.
They gave me a lot of blame for not taking care of my mom. I insisted it should not be my job and reminded them she is a full adult and I am the kid, and she should be taking care of me. They accused me of being harsher on her than my dad, who abandoned me.
I told them I hope he is miserable and I want nothing to do with him. But it does not mean I am going to thank her for giving me a difficult childhood either. I told them the parent who stays is not always better. Sometimes they both fail equally in different ways.
They called me selfish, said I am one of those Gen Z kids who does not care about their parents or family and lacks empathy for others. My grandparents told me I should have been made homeless and left to struggle since I found helping my mom such a burden. Am I the jerk?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Marlow1771 says:
Get as far away and as fast as you can. You are absolutely right, you are the child. Also, take your birth certificate and social security card with you and make sure your credit report is locked. My heart goes out to you, no child should have this as their childhood. NTA but your mom and her family certainly are. Let them take care of her.
OP responded:
Those documents aren't in our house. I checked several times. Either my mom lost them or one of the guys she dated stole them. Hard to say either way but there's no way I missed them.
Pleasant-Koala147 says:
NTA. Your mother has parentified you. You are right in that it is her job to take care of you as the child, not the reverse. Stay strong and stay your course. It sounds like the healthiest way forward for you is to go NC with all of them as soon as you can. They can take care of her. They’re the adults here.
OP responded:
That's what I'm working toward. No contact and a fresh start somewhere on my own where I don't have to take care of someone who makes bad decision after bad decision and lets me get beat up while trying to be there for her. At this point they can do what they want but they won't be dumping all of this on me forever.