'AITA for not walking my daughter down the aisle because she hates my wife for no reason?' UPDATED.
"AITA for refusing to walk my daughter down the aisle because of what she did to her mom?"
anon73206 writes:
So, this has been an ongoing issue in my family for a while, but now that the wedding is coming up, everything has come to a head. I (50M) have a daughter, “Emma” (26F), with whom I’ve always had a very close relationship. I’ve been married to my wife (Emma’s mom), “Laura” (49F), for 30 years now. We’re a solid family—or at least I thought we were.
Here’s the backstory: A couple of years ago, Emma met her now-fiancé, “Tom” (28M). Things moved fast between them, and she was head over heels for him. We were happy for her at first, but something changed about a year into their relationship.
Emma became distant from us, especially her mom. Laura and Emma used to be really close, but all of a sudden, Emma started snapping at her for little things, avoiding family dinners, and not sharing anything about her life.
Then we found out why. About a year and a half ago, I overheard Emma and Tom having a conversation when they didn’t know I was around. She was saying horrible things about her mom—stuff that really broke my heart.
Emma was telling Tom that she couldn’t stand how “overbearing” her mom was, that Laura always tried to “control” her, and that she felt like Laura was jealous of her life and success. She even said she “resents” her mom for putting so much pressure on her when she was younger.
I was floored. Laura has always supported Emma in everything she did, from helping her through college to emotionally supporting her during rough patches. I never saw any of this coming. But instead of addressing it right then, I wanted to wait and talk to Emma calmly later.
When I finally brought it up with her, she completely shut down and got defensive. She claimed I was “taking her mom’s side” and that I didn’t understand what it was like to grow up with someone who was “always in your business.”
She said some really hurtful things and ended up storming out. After that, she basically cut off her mom entirely, except for the absolute bare minimum communication for holidays or family events. Laura’s heartbroken. I’m angry. It’s been a mess.
Fast forward to now, Emma’s getting married. She called me last week to ask if I would walk her down the aisle. But here’s the thing: I don’t feel right doing it when she’s treating her mother like this. Laura’s not even invited to the wedding—Emma said it would “make things too uncomfortable” if her mom were there.
I told Emma that I can’t walk her down the aisle if she’s excluding her mom, who’s done nothing but love and support her all her life. I said that until she makes things right with her mom, I won’t be part of the wedding.
Emma was furious. She accused me of “choosing Mom over her,” said I was “ruining her big day,” and claimed I was punishing her for being honest about her feelings. She’s now threatening to go no-contact with both of us, and I’m torn up inside. I love my daughter, but I can’t stand by and watch her treat her mother like this. AITA for refusing to walk her down the aisle?
Here are the top rated comments in response to OP's post.
ComparisonFlashy8522 says:
I think you need to find out what happened between your daughter and her mom a year and a half ago. This didn't come out of nowhere.
Free_Eye_5327 says:
Did you ever find out what your daughter meant when she said her mom always tried to control her? I think that's the key to you understanding her reaction.
Ok_Young1709 says:
You need to look at two possibilities, and fairly. Take love out of the equation here. Either your wife was overbearing to your daughter and you completely ignored it or accepted it as normal, which is a strong possibility. Or Tom is the problem here and is isolating Emma from people she loves.
Now that seems less likely as it's not both of you that Emma is not speaking to, it's just your wife. If it was Tom pulling the strings here, he'd have got her not speaking to both of you. Is Emma abandoning her friends? Another sign of abuse. You need to consider here that your wife is the problem.
chilliefries says:
There has to be some context missing…I don’t understand why your daughter resents her mother so heavily. Is there something we are missing or did your daughter cut her mother out of her life and not invite her to the wedding for “being in her business?” I don’t understand this. Emma’s reasons for hating Laura seem very superficial.
OP posted an update a day later.
I didn’t expect my post to get this much attention, and honestly, I’m still trying to process everything. Things have changed a bit since I first posted, and unfortunately, it’s not for the better. I tried reaching out to Emma again, hoping we could work things out, but what I found out has only made the situation worse.
Here’s what’s happened: I sat down with Emma to try and calmly explain how much this situation has been hurting her mom and me, but she wasn’t open to it. Instead, she told me she’s asked Tom’s mom to take on some of the important roles at the wedding that would normally be Laura’s—like helping her get ready on the morning of the wedding and giving a speech at the reception.
When I asked Emma why she didn’t want her mother there at all, she laid out a few specific reasons that, frankly, felt more like excuses. First, she said Laura has a tendency to “make everything about herself,” and she was worried Laura would “cause a scene” or try to take the spotlight.
Emma brought up how, at her engagement party, Laura made several comments to the guests about how "hard it is to let go of your little girl" and kept trying to give a toast, even though Emma and Tom had planned for only the best man and maid of honor to speak. Emma said she felt embarrassed and that it was one of the reasons she felt Laura would try to control things on the wedding day.
Emma also claimed Laura has a habit of “undermining” her decisions. For example, when Emma first started dating Tom, Laura expressed concerns that things were moving too fast, and Emma felt Laura was trying to influence her choice in partners. This is a sensitive topic for Emma because she feels Laura has never fully approved of Tom, and that tension would “ruin the day.”
Hearing all this was hard. Laura may not be perfect, but the idea that she would intentionally make Emma’s wedding about herself or try to sabotage the day is just unfair. She’s only ever wanted to be there for her daughter, and I know Laura’s been nothing but supportive, even when she’s had concerns about Tom.
When Emma told me that Tom’s mom, Sandra, would be filling these roles instead, my heart broke. Laura has dreamed of helping Emma on her wedding day since she was a little girl. Being uninvited was already devastating, but hearing that Tom’s mom is taking her place in these intimate moments feels like a complete betrayal. It’s not just that Laura’s being excluded—it’s that someone else is being given the role she should’ve had.
I tried telling Emma that this would only hurt her relationship with her mom further, but she doubled down, saying she needed people around her who “supported her decisions” and didn’t make her feel guilty. She’s convinced that Tom’s mom understands her better and is more “in tune” with who she is now. It was a gut punch to hear that, especially knowing how much Laura has always supported her.
As for walking her down the aisle—no, I haven’t changed my mind. I can’t be part of this wedding when Laura is being disrespected like this. It feels wrong to stand by Emma’s side while she’s doing this to her mother, who has only ever tried to be there for her.
I’m not sure where our family goes from here. Emma is now saying she might cut contact with us if we don’t respect her boundaries, and honestly, I’m heartbroken. I don’t want to lose my daughter, but I also can’t stand by and let her continue to treat her mom this way. Thanks again for all the support. I’m still trying to make sense of everything, and I guess only time will tell how this plays out.
Here are the top rated comments on OP's update:
plsstayhydrated says:
INFO: did you and Emma talk about any instances of Laura 'undermining' or 'causing a scene' that didn't involve Tom at the time?
fire_or_water_kai says:
There is a serious disconnect between your daughter's version of things and you and your wife's. I can't say who's to blame, but something absolutely went wrong in your household. Whether your daughter took her mother's concern to the extreme, or you think your wife's qualities are endearing while no one else does, who the heck knows, but you're in a losing position either which way. Have you ever suggested family counseling?
ApolloSimba says:
Doesn't pass the wiff test. There's so much missing info.
Suitable-Park184 says:
Are you possibly in denial about your wife’s behavior? Maybe this isn’t as sudden as it feels. Or maybe you’ll be reading about Tom’s mom in the justnomil community in a few months.