'AITA for dropping out of my best friend's wedding because I don't like his fiancée'

"AITA for backing out of my best friend’s wedding bc he’s marrying a cheater?"

ThrowAway736628593 writes:

I’m 27M, he’s 27M, she’s 25F. In January 2021, we went on a boys' golf trip. On the last night of the trip, while at the bar, our buddy (we’ll call him C) met and eventually brought home a girl (we’ll call her S). At the time, C was 25 and S was 22 or 23. They hooked up that night (the whole house could hear), and they stayed in touch after we left.

Not long after, he told us they were going to try a long-distance relationship (a 2-hour plane ride). I didn’t think much of it at the time other than from what I had seen; she wouldn’t be the type of girl me or any of our close friends would consider for a serious relationship, especially at the cost of it being long-distance, but to each their own, so we just supported him.

Not too long into the relationship, they were fighting a lot. She would post him on her Instagram, then delete him and do all kinds of weird, childish sh^t. During that time, he would speak to us for advice, and based on all the information, we consistently recommended he end the relationship.

It’s also important to note that C is one of the nicest, most genuine people I know. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, and he’s a handsome guy too. At no point in our time growing up together did he ever have a problem with the ladies. So essentially, he’s got ample options available to him.

Seven months into their relationship, he was DMed on Instagram by a random girl claiming she had found out her boyfriend was cheating, and the girl he was seeing was S. C told us what was going on, but once S started making threats about him responding or listening to the girl DMing him, he blocked the girl.

I then reached out directly and got all the screenshots and proof. No need to get into details, but it was very clear: S was seeing this girl’s boyfriend. Despite that clearly being the case, they “worked through it” and decided to stay together.

Around a year later, while he was down visiting S, her roommate pulled him aside. C had been going down there and staying for extended periods of time, working from home, buying her nice things, and taking her out to nice places.

He even bought her a Peloton. So I guess, with seeing all these things, S’s roommate sat him down while S was at work and told him, essentially, “Hey, I can’t just sit here and watch this happen. S has been sleeping with our neighbor for months now, even going on trips to Miami, and you deserve to know considering everything you’re doing. I have pictures and any evidence you might want.”

With that, C left the apartment and called me immediately. “You guys were so right, I’m out of here. She’s been seeing her neighbor for months! I need to drop her car off at work, then I’m heading straight to the airport.” (I would’ve lit that car on fire, but to each their own).

We continued the conversation, and as I was aware of the way she gaslit him the last time something like this happened, I advised him to say nothing or close to nothing—just hand her the keys, leave them somewhere, and walk away. As he arrived at her work, we hung up.

He completely stopped answering any of our texts or calls. Did I consider the fact that this wench had killed him? Yes, yes, I did. But an almost equally sad reality was true: She somehow gaslit him into being okay with it and staying with her.

This was to the point where he even called me and our other friend a few days later and lied to us, claiming the roommate made it all up, everything’s fine, nothing to worry about. What he failed to realize is when he sent us the proof the roommate provided, the neighbor’s phone number was in the screenshots.

We called the neighbor. Everything mentioned was true. C didn’t answer us once we confirmed that—radio silence for a while after.

After that, and with our entire group of friends pushing him to get out, he completely stopped mentioning her or telling us anything about their relationship. Not sure if he was just sick of it, embarrassed, or what, but that’s what he decided to do.

Important note: Only 3 of us knew about either cheating situation; everyone else in his life just hated her for her character. And I promise, you would too. She’s the type of girl who has a new “best friend” every other month, and when you ask about the old one, it’s always some form of “she’s a fu%#$ng b%#$h.” Toxic stuff like that is the reality of who she is.

Another important note: The backdrop of C’s personal situation throughout all this. His father had cancer when we first went on the trip, and it wasn’t good. Eventually, after many surgeries and treatments, he went into remission and is cancer-free today. However, before that happened, C’s mother was diagnosed with a different, more severe cancer.

Unfortunately, she did not have the same result, and it brings tears to my eyes writing this—that she’s no longer with us as of last winter. It was no wonder C is as nice and as good of a person as he is when you met his mother and father. Two incredibly kind and genuine people; her sweet presence and kind generosity will forever be missed.

I mention that because I think it’s an important backdrop to all this. During the time they were dating, we all noticed a big difference in him. The C today vs. the C we went on the golf trip with is different. It’s like the lights are on, but nobody’s home. He was never the sharpest tool in the shed, but seemingly, he’s just become spacier and spacier.

I don’t know all the different ways trauma presents itself, but I know he’s dealt with a lot, and I also know he’s never received professional help with it. And I don’t think S would ever let that happen, even if we convinced him to do it. I wholeheartedly believe she’s used his situation to manipulate him into needing her there for him.

Before his mother passed away, we received word from one of his high school friends, who also hates S but knows nothing we know, that C is flying down to propose to S that day. He purposely didn’t tell any of his closest friends because he knew exactly what we would all say.

Despite that, I reached out with one last effort. I just wanted to make sure that because he didn’t consult any of us with this info, that he at least discussed it at length with his parents. He assured me he did and that they supported him, so from there, it was just a face-in-palm situation.

My best friend is marrying a manipulative, cheater and that’s just the way it is. Not long before that, she moved up to us, and they got an apartment together.

Once the engagement happened, it felt like there was nothing we could do. At this point, S had all of C’s friends blocked on all social media. This actually happened a long time prior, when she was still deleting his pics from her page every time they would fight. Guess she didn’t want us to see it lol.

About 3 months ago, she sent me a follow request. I have zero presence on Instagram—just a blank page that I use for scrolling purposes. I haven’t posted since high school, and everything had been deleted for a while now.

This was her remedial attempt at mending the relationship. She absolutely hated me up to this point, and for good reason. I saw through her bulls%#t and recognized she’s a bad person to her core. No morals, no values, just a secular wench who’s woefully misguided by the cultures of TikTok and social media as a whole. In different words, I made S and C aware of that realization as well.

For obvious reasons, I was not initially asked to be in the wedding. However, around two weeks after receiving her follow request, he called and asked me to be a groomsman. Now, at this point, I hadn’t dealt with or heard of any of her bulls%#t in around a year.

The most recent developments with him were about his mother. Having already accepted that we tried everything we could to stop this, and not wanting to lose a good friend, I accepted.

The wedding is down where she’s from. So it’s basically a destination wedding, and they were kind enough to plan it on New Year's Eve’s Eve. That’s right, not NYE, but the night before. So now everyone is lucky enough to pay NYE travel prices, all while probably having nothing to do on NYE, lmao. S really is so considerate of others.

Now here’s the kicker—after everything mentioned above, I was basically over giving a f$%k. He’s ruining his life; we tried to stop it, but he’s an adult now, so it is what it is—were my thoughts. Well, last week I found out that while she was still living down there, for some insane reason, when C found out a friend of his from high school was visiting in her town, he suggested they link up to meet and hang out.

Now, do I understand why he would do that when he knows who she is? Absolutely not. But it happened nonetheless. And as you probably guessed, they were intimate. Real scumbag move on the “friend’s” part, but that will be handled separately.

Once hearing this, I went to Instagram to see the guy (recognized the name but wanted to put a face to it). While doing that, I realized C doesn’t follow him anymore, but S does. So C clearly knows this happened, which my source told me too.

It seems this time she actually confessed to C, but in a classic cheating move, she claimed she brought his friend home but “only did other stuff". I still don’t know if I’m more disgusted by those actions or by her manipulation. It’s all just so gross.

Lastly, I will note—after the second cheating situation, I point-blank asked him if he had any type of cuckold fetishes or something like that. I made it clear if that’s the case, there’s no judgment and nothing to be ashamed of with us. But if it’s the case, we need to know because it changes everything. By his response, I was convinced he does not have any sort of fetish. I’ve known him since fourth grade, and he’s a terrible liar.

But now I’m sitting here with a handful of options, all bad. I can sit him down and tell him what I learned, including that she’s still following him. The goal here would be trying to understand what he’s thinking and making one last attempt to break through to him. But that could risk our friendship altogether because she will certainly make him cut ties.

I could tell him what I found out and let him know I can’t support the marriage and back out of my spot as a groomsman, which also ends in me losing one of my closest and oldest friends.

Or I could do nothing. Essentially submit to her manipulation and let her win by not only getting married but getting his friends who know how bad she is to support it. This probably results in losing a friend too because she already barely lets him see any of us. And once they’re married, I’m sure that’ll become more strict, especially once they move to where she’s from, which is basically a guarantee.

If you can think of other options I have, I would love to hear them. But AITAH for doing any of those three options? Which would you do? To be clear, he’s aware of everything mentioned above. The only thing he’s not aware of is that we know about the third time she cheated. It’s also possible he does not know that S still follows his friend from high school that she saw. And yes, that’s all information I believe he deserves to know.

Here are the top comments:

Corodix says:

NTA. Option 4: use an anonymous account to send all the evidence of the cheating to both their families well before the wedding. Just make sure that it's anonymous and if you can do it in some kind of delayed fashion while you're with other people for an alibi then that might be even better.

Sassagrass45 says:

NTA.bIs anyone else of your friend group in the wedding party? Is it worth it for the 3/4 of you that know certain things to sit down with him as a group (like an intervention)? There’s still a possibility of backing out if he still won’t see reason/depending on how that convo goes.. BUT if his closest friends aren’t supportive and don’t show up, maybe that’ll click for him?

OP responded:

Only 2 of us are in the wedding. The other 3 have given up and basically made that clear. 1 is definitely not going to the wedding, 1 is a maybe, and the third is going but not a groomsman. I spoke with the other groomsman last night and whatever we decide, we’ll do it together.

SwimmingProgram6530 says:

NTA. Just tell him you will be there for him when it all goes up in flames.

What do you think?