'AITA for ending my engagement because my fiance's demands are better for his family?'
"AITA for ending my engagement because of his demands about our prenup?"
Upper-Yesterday3710 says:
I (F37) recently received a lump sum for a career project that turned into a whole company. I entered into an agreement with a company that has been reselling my services via out-licensing and long-term corporate JVs.
When I signed the paperwork, I felt like I had the opportunity to build a financial future without affecting my relationship. However, that hasn’t been the case, and I’m very put off—to the point of considering breaking our engagement.
We’ve been together for four years. I met him during the final stretch of my struggle to build what has now become the driving force of my career. This project has been all-consuming, and besides that, I only had time for my family. I have very good friends, but everyone is busy. I didn’t date or go out much.
When Sean (M43) came along, I was swept off my feet because I wasn’t expecting to find someone I liked so much. We shared the same sense of humor, and I became really attracted to him, both emotionally and physically.
Sean is divorced. He has average office assistant skills and works for a small government agency. The salary gap wasn’t a huge deal because I invested heavily in my project, so whatever money I kept went toward my non-negotiable priorities.
I take care of my family and pay bills. Sean had hobbies that he spent time on, but when I met him, he was between jobs and had to wait four months to start his new job at the agency. We were both short on money.
I was very happy to have a guy who didn’t pressure me to dress a certain way (I’m more of a flats-and-comfy-clothes person), unlike my ex, who demanded that I look trendy and constantly undermined my self-esteem. I knew Sean had been on food stamps (very briefly), but I chalked it up to a temporary rough patch. There was huge mutual acceptance between us.
We tried to start a small consulting company, but it didn’t work out. I noticed that he wasn’t ready to co-manage, and after a long conversation, we mutually decided to call it off. We had been talking about marriage for a while, and when he proposed, the subject of a prenup wasn’t a surprise since we had already agreed on having one.
Even if I had nothing, I see it as a way to protect ourselves from potential situations. I’m in a niche market that deals with loss prevention, and I’ve seen people get caught in lawsuits. We had drafted a plan, but there were some tense moments. Sean shut down during our second meeting with the lawyer, creating a tense atmosphere.
None of what we had agreed upon was being followed, and he kept raising the bar with new demands. He hired his own lawyer, which would have been fine, except he never told me. His attorney showed up without any prior discussion.
We had to pause the prenup after he almost bit my head off outside the lawyer’s office when I refused to give his daughter shares of my existing company. That was a no-go for me, and I would rather stay unmarried. I built that company to leave something for my children, and I’m the only parent looking out for them since my ex has been a bit of a deadbeat.
Sean wasn’t even in the picture when I started it. I also won’t create a trust fund for his child, as he requested. None of these demands were previously discussed; they came up after his lawyer got involved.
I did agree to help his daughter financially, give her an allowance, and help pay for a car. I also agreed to pay her full health insurance, contribute to her college housing, and help with her education.
She has a successful mom, so my logic is that she already has someone giving her a good start in life since Sean isn’t financially able. His daughter is 18, while my kids are still in grade school. I need to make sure my kids are taken care of first since she’s already at an age where she can get a job. I also offered to contribute to a fund for her first home, but it seems nothing I offered was good enough.
I love his daughter, but I didn’t raise her, and she will never see me as her mom, which I respect. Her mom’s family owns a business, and her mom has a home in a great area. She doesn’t rely on me to have a good life. I wanted things to be fair, with contributions from her mom, Sean, and me.
However, Sean and I argued because he sent me a breakdown of how much I’m supposed to make from my business over the next few years. I lost my temper because it felt like a "gotcha" situation.
I confronted him about my own kids and asked what he planned to contribute for them. He went silent, so I suggested putting their names on the deed to a piece of land he owns but hasn’t developed due to a lack of funds. He was surprised and accused me of trying to dilute his daughter’s inheritance and being unfair since she has less than what my kids will eventually have.
I just wanted him to see my point, but I made things worse. We used to be able to talk freely outside of the prenup, but now, if I don’t catch his sarcasm, his dry behavior drives me crazy.
He said he’s surprised by my greed and accused me of "othering" his child. I’m trying to figure out if I came across as a bad stepmother. I’m not against helping all our kids start their own businesses if they want to, but I can’t guarantee their success since we’re not there yet.
Canceling the engagement seemed like the most sensible decision, and I’m astonished this is actually happening. I don’t know how to navigate this. His last messages have been very hurtful.
He says I’m showing my true colors and thanked me for my "dishonesty" about how I truly feel about his daughter. My best friend is furious and threatens to put him on blast if he keeps this up. I’m confused because I didn’t expect our relationship to end like this. AITA?
Here are the top rated comments from the post.
Ornery-Platypus-1 says:
NTA. First off, your stance towards the prenuptial sounded reasonable and, if anything, overly generous to his kiddo (imho). Anyhow, It sounds like he's showing his true colors, and it's fortunate they were on display prior to marrying him. If he helped you build the business venture, it'd be one thing...but he didn't. Now he's throwing a tantrum because he wants a one-way contract that only benefits his own kid?! Oof.
Financial_Bear_5071 says:
NTA. He is a 43 year old man with an adult child who has an active mother and father. She shouldn't even be a consideration in your prenup. You owe her nothing, no house, no car, no trust fund, and definitely no shares in your company.
She is not your child, and you didn't raise her. For me, your post sounds like you have the love goggles on and haven't been seeing all the red flags for the last 4 years. He is showing you his true colours. If you have to stay with him, stay unmarried.
TieNervous9815 says:
It feels like he wants his daughter to think that the cash is from him, since his ex is well off.
iloveducks101 says:
NTA. Cancel the engagement.