'AITA for filing for divorce because my wife was going to do it after she finishes school?'
"AITA for filing for divorce after learning my wife planned to end our marriage once she finished night school and possibly college for a second time?"
Brayzine writes:
My wife (27f) and I (29m) first met in college, and we got married after a year of dating. We have two kids together now. We both work, and she went back to night school several months ago. It came about pretty abruptly, and she wasn’t very open about her goals with me.
I asked, but she told me she just wanted to go back and questioned why I felt the need to ask. It made me wonder if she was using night school as a cover for cheating, but after a bit of time I saw her studying, and she had a physical copy of her class timetable pinned up in our house, so it was legitimate. Still, it felt off to me.
Because she wouldn’t tell me much about it, there were times I made plans when she was supposed to meet her study partners on the weekends. She would get upset at me for making plans, but I had no idea she was supposed to be studying or working on projects. It caused a lot of fights.
Then her sister (32f), who has never liked me and has caused problems before, decided to taunt me about my wife’s choice to keep me in the dark. She said my wife wanted to further her education so she could get a better paying job and divorce me while also becoming our kids’ primary parent.
According to her, my wife was playing the long game so I would support her through school and make it manageable. I didn’t want to believe her because she dislikes me and often tries to stir things up. Still, I couldn’t fully dismiss it. It took me a couple of days of thinking about it before I asked my wife.
At first, she denied it and said, “You know my sister hates you.” But when I brought up her strange behavior and the secrecy, she could tell I was suspicious. She then said she wasn’t happy with us, wanted to better herself, and thought we could wait until after she finished school to talk about things. It turned into a fight because I didn’t believe her.
When we finally calmed down, she said she’d be open to working on our marriage after she finished school in a few years, but she didn’t want to distract herself from her studies. She also mentioned that we have two very young kids and that things would be different for a while, so I just needed to give it time.
I asked her again if she was using me to support her through school so she could end our marriage and push me out of our kids’ lives. She tried to deny it again but said she was just stressed about school and that failing was what made her angry at me.
By the end of it, she admitted that we needed to make this work for another few years, and then we could talk about what would happen after. She said she didn’t want to lose her kids to anyone, not even me.
I don’t want to be used or live like this for years so my wife can plan to leave me, so I filed for divorce and shared custody after consulting an attorney. I told her our marriage was over and there would be no more waiting.
She didn’t expect it and has been extremely upset. Her sister has been loud about it too because they didn’t expect me to act first. They said I shouldn’t want to hurt her like this since it could affect our kids.
My wife has a job, and it’s not like she stayed home with the kids or did everything herself. We split responsibilities equally until she decided to keep secrets. I’m not going to let her use me to better herself just to turn around and use it against me. Does that make me the bad guy?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Desperate_Box1875 says:
NTA, but I don't understand what wife's sister expected you to do then she told you everything?
OP responded:
I think she thought of me as weak enough to just let it happen. Or she expected me to doubt her but question myself.
Sad-Boat6398 says:
Did you not see any other signs that your relationship was on the rocks? Your NTA for filing for divorce. Sometimes things don’t work out and you have to take care of your kids and your own best interest.
OP responded:
Her not communicating about school or ever mentioning it was the first sign of anything amiss. Her sister told me she was good at pretending and keeping me in the dark. That could have been her taunting for the sake of it but likely there was truth mixed in there.