'I found my close friend on Bumble a month before her wedding. Should I say something?' MAJOR UPDATE
"Found my close friend (31F) on Bumble a month before her wedding."
My work wife from my first job has been a close friend of mine for years, we still hang out at least a couple times a week. She's engaged to a guy who I really like and is getting married in May. Yesterday, a friend of mine found her on Bumble and texted me screenshots.
I sent them to her asking if there is something I should know, and she replied that they must be from when she was still single and that she probably forgot to turn it off. Thing is, I recognize the pictures and they're recent. My GF and I are even in one of them. I had spoken to her fiance earlier that day about bachelor party plans and everything sounded like it's very much still on.
Some of our friends have joked that she can do better - she's really, really attractive and makes great money, while he's very much the blue collar type. But he treats her like a princess, a big upgrade from the trash f#$kboys she's dated in the past. I get the feeling she's having second thoughts and looking around again.
I'm kind of conflicted on whether or not I should bring this up, and if I do, whether I should talk to her or him about it. She's a close friend and if things don't work out, it's her side that I'll take. But I've been in toxic relationships before and can't help but think I'd feel very guilty if he marries her next month without knowing she's not fully invested.
Any advice on how I can approach this? Or should I just leave it alone?
TL;DR: I found my friend's new bumble profile, she's getting married in a month. Do I bring it up?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
[deleted] wrote:
"Some of our friends have joked that she can do better - she's really, really attractive and makes great money, while he's very much the blue collar type" These friends are really s#$t people and you should get rid of them.
OP responded:
I couldn't agree more. They're a group we work/worked with, not people I care much to spend time with outside of that world.
milkchurn wrote:
Okay I'm gonna go against the grain here for a sec and share a personal story that I feel is relevant; I had a friend message me once on Facebook and say "oh I saw you on bumble, didn't realize you and X had split?"
We had split, but I hadn't used bumble in well over a year. I did some research and a bumble account needs to be actively deactivated. Just deleting the app or not using it doesn't stop your profile being shared. Ever. So she could be right.
Now on to the pictures: where were they? An updated profile pic is fishy af HOWEVER if they are in the social media gallery and she has uploaded them to Instagram etc, bumble will automatically update those pics. So she could legitimately have not used the app for months or even years, but is still appearing to other users with updated Instagram pics attached. I would talk to her first.
When this happened to me I was single but I was still really embarrassed (mostly because I had lost weight since I created the profile and had moved to a new area, so the first impression of me to all the new guys in town was me ignoring them on bumble where I was fatter in most of the pictures), and I was glad I was told because I was not aware that your profile remains active even if you don't use it.
FlipFlipFlipadelelfeuh wrote:
I know plenty of people might say stay out of it and I understand that to some degree, but all I can think is that if I were that guy I would hope someone would tell me that information before I got married to a person like her.
The next day, OP shared an update.
After some back and forth about whether I should leave it alone, I decided to bring it up with her again today at happy hour. Plan was to frame it as "I know that's not an old profile from the pictures, just wanted to make sure you're okay."
Turns out I didn't have to, she came clean about it before I even had the chance to broach the subject. She's had some really serious political/lifestyle arguments with her fiance in the last month, and while she still cares for him, isn't sure she can see herself wanting to have children with someone whose values are so radically different from hers.
He and I have never talked politics much but I knew he was pretty far to the left while she's a social liberal/fiscal conservative, but apparently he's also vehemently against giving any vaccinations to any future kids they might have (which he had never mentioned before). Not just c0vid, any immunizations at all. I can't say I would be comfortable marrying someone in that situation either.
In regards to the Bumble profile, she was out of town for work a couple weeks ago, got into a big fight with him over the phone and made the profile later that night while drinking at the hotel bar out of frustration. She feels guilty about doing it and deleted the app when she got home, but didn't realize that meant the profile would still be up.
She says she didn't actually go out with anyone but got a bunch of matches, and it kind of served as verification to her that she still had options. She asked what I would do if I were in her situation, and I gave her the honest response that I'd end it before it was too late and things got out of hand.
For the record, I'm not the only one she talked to about this, and she says she got the same advice from family and another close friend. So she's calling off her engagement tomorrow. Hoping my GF and I can help her pick up the pieces. Shame it didn't work out, but knowing the whole story, I think it's for the best.
The internet was glad to hear an update.
damselindetech wrote:
He's far left and an anti-v#xxer? Folks always finding ways to surprise me with their inconsistent internal logics. Although, it does make me wonder if he's actually libertarian.
DeadLettersSociety wrote:
"She's had some really serious political/lifestyle arguments with her fiance in the last month, and while she still cares for him, isn't sure she can see herself wanting to have children with someone whose values are so radically different from hers."
Always best to make a definitive decision on that before the wedding. Especially considering the differing views that have, as per what the OOP says. (Fingers Crossed) Well, hopefully she finds a better partner for herself; one that aligns better with her own views.
jumbopopsicle wrote:
Everyone sucks in this, OP with his work wife, close friend who would jump to dating apps after an argument, an anti v@#xer fiancé, friends who would shit on fiancé for being "lesser". All round shitty people.