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'I just found out that my husband of 10 years has never loved me. What do I do?' UPDATED 7X

'I just found out that my husband of 10 years has never loved me. What do I do?' UPDATED 7X


The truth sometimes hurts, and ignoring it doesn't make it hurt less.

"I just found out that my husband of 10 years has never loved me."

My whole world is crashing right now. I never thought that this could happen to me. I am deeply in love with my husband and I thought he loved me too. My husband Sam and I met after college at a book club. We fell in love and married a year later right out of college.

I honestly though that my life was a dream come true. He was kind and silly and he made me feel loved. I found out last week that my husband never loved me. I overheard Sam talking to his friend on FT when he thought I couldn't hear. His friend was congratulating Sam on bagging me, because "I'm loaded." That's not true.

Though I make a decent living and my parents recently had some success in their business abroad, I don't make nearly enough to be considered wealthy, perhaps upper middle class at best. It's not like I can quit my job tomorrow and be set for life. I'm a financial analyst and make $300K working 70 hours a week. Sam is a customer service advisor for a bank and makes $50K working 35 hours a week.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: Yes, I was in investment banking out of college. Sam has had this job for 4 months. He has a spotty work history due to not getting along with his bosses. Sam then said that all his planning paid off and he'd live the easy life.

His friend added that he couldn't imagine being married to me, waking up to my face. I've never been very attractive, I'm very skinny and have a thin face and a wide nose, but Sam made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

Sam just laughed and said "it's easy when you have the mindset." I pretended I didn't hear and went back upstairs and just lied in bed. I've been sleeping on the couch with the excuse of working late and not disturbing him. Every time, I've woken up in our bed with him cuddling me. I don't feel loved. I feel used. I don't know what to do.

Commenters had nothing but empathy for OP.

Forthrowssake wrote:

Be prepared for him to gaslight you and say he didn't say it, didn't mean to say it, call you crazy etc. I guarantee he is going to panic when he realizes that his meal ticket has caught on.

The US area I live in is very poor for the most part. You are making 15x what most people make a year. You are wealthy. You just live at a higher lifestyle price tag. Good luck and stay strong. You can't turn love off, but you need to start thinking of him as the enemy now. You don't need him.

NickyRich5 wrote:

You are wealthy by general standards just not your own. I am sorry this happened to you. Lawyer up and open up a new chapter of your life. You deserve better and I have no doubt you will find it.

OP responded:

Yes, I am very lucky to be earning what I do. Unfortunately, I only have 10 years, 15 if I'm lucky to continue working due to my health issues.

Big-Significance3604 wrote:

Oh angel. I’m so so sorry. My heart literally hurts for you. I don’t understand how people can be so cruel. Try to get that post nup done. Get the best attorney. And maybe you can talk to him. I just don’t know, but wish I could hug you!!

Few_Werewolf_8780 wrote:

Don't let him know you know. Say your parents are about to give you a large inheritance but he needs to sign a prenuptial first. Tell him you love him and any other bs you can. Just get him to sign it. He will He is greedy. Tell him after you get the inheritance you will buy him a new expensive car.

Tell him it will be so great. Once he signs wait a week and go talk to an attorney. You know what he thinks now so the gloves are off. Show no mercy he has been using you. Show no emotion and just move on. What a jerk he is.

OP responded:

I hope to have enough strength to do that. I'm at working researching divorce lawyers and marriage counselors and it all. I can't tell him that I love him. I still do. Isn't it pathetic of me? I've never had anyone interested in me. I should have seen the signs.

Cosmetic_Splenectomy wrote:

My poor friend, this is very hurtful. You were used, you were played like a fiddle. This isn't an advice sub, this is a listening sub, perhaps you should head over to r/legaladvice Consider that he may actually love you deeply even though you're not conventionally attractive, but he was too much of a coward to own up to it with his immature friend.

I am someone who married an unattractive person. He is attractive to me because there isn't a kinder, gentler, smarter, more supporting being on this earth and I am grateful every day that he is my constant companion. My eyes get moist just thinking about him after 37 beautiful years even with ups and downs.

Please be confident that you deserve love and not everyone demands a Kardashian. Separation might help him sort his thoughts. Treat yourself to a one week hotel stay and enjoy the gym and the spa. Make it a positive experience for yourself. He needs to stew in his own juices a little bit.

OP responded:

I just want someone who love me for me, and isn't ashamed of me. It's a lost cause.

GravesDiseaseGirl wrote:

I hope you leave. Even without a prenuptial agreement. There is someone out there who will will love you back, or you might be happier alone. But being with someone who doesn't love you like you love them destroys you. You can't unhear it.

OP responded:

I want to leave too. But this is my house. I worked so hard for my life and it feels like everything's being ripped away from me.

I still love him but I wish I never met him.

Moulin-Rougelach wrote:

You’ve been married for ten years, and never in that time did you doubt his love for you? I don’t think anyone would pull off a scam for that long without showing their true self. What kind of marriage have you had? Do you two spend a lot of time together? Or do you live mostly separate lives? Do you have fun together, or have separate interests and don’t share any hobbies, or interests?

Do you do all of the work to keep your home and lives functioning or do you share responsibilities? Unless you do everything work-wise, you two spend your free time separately and vacation without each other, and have no real friendship, romance, nor passion, I would not believe you overheard the truth.

I’d think he has a jerk of a friend who he was trying to impress for some reason, more than he has perpetrated a decade long con game. At the very least, tell him what you heard and how it hurt you, and find out how he explains the awful things he said.

OP responded:

Honestly, I was thrilled that someone loved me at all. We spend a fair bit of time together, more now than before due to C0VID and WFH. We both enjoy travelling, though I enjoy museums and more indoor activities more than he does. We have hobbies in common, though sometimes it seems that some of the hobbies he claims to share with me aren't sincere.

For example, we met at a book club, but he hasn't picked up a book since we got married and he never has had a favorite childhood book or a book he recalls having read as a kid. I do most of the work to keep our home and life functioning. I do all the cooking and laundry for example. We do pay for a cleaner who comes in once a week.

Melski84 wrote:

Wow what a tough spot to be in and what a f-ing AH your hubby AND his douche bag friend are! Dump his a-- (I hope you have a prenup ) and start to learn to love yourself! Once you accomplish that, someone who truly loves you will come around and show you what real love is all about ❤️

OP responded:

Everyone who ever asked me out did it as a joke. I asked one person out and they laughed at me. Sam was the only one who loved me, and now I find out that he never did. I don't think I'm capable of being loved.

A few days later, OP shared an update.

Last night I came home late and my husband was waiting for me. He had been blowing up my phone for the entire day, spamming me with accusing, but not untrue messages. The conversation did not go well...He accused me of avoiding him, which was true. I just couldn't look at him. I used work as an excuse. He said I was withholding affection from him.

He also accused me of being unfaithful to him, which was never true. I have a new coworker who just started approximately two weeks ago and Sam was convinced I was having an affair with them. I told him I didn't even know that coworker. How could I have an affair? I finally told him about what I overheard and how hurt I was.

His response was to deny ever having that conversation and deny ever saying anything. He told me I probably misheard something or hallucinated due to stress. I received several very helpful messages about a post my husband might have made. Though some of the details don't match up, most of it do (our salaries, the time we've been married, the couch thing) and I asked him if he wrote the reddit post.

He told me he doesn't do reddit but didn't outright deny making the post and asked me what I was doing on my phone all day for the past few days, which was reading all your messages on this throwaway. I told him that and he looked incredibly upset. I told him that what he did really hurt me and he still insisted it never happened.

I asked him if he ever loved me and he said "Don't be stupid, of course I do. You're the one cheating on me." I told him I never cheated on him. It felt like the conversation was going in circles. I brought up the possibility of a postnup, and he scoffed and said he didn't want to divorce. If I tried to divorce him, he had a right to a lot of alimony. That part is true.

Our state has strong alimony rights for spouses with salary differences. He only had his job for a few months and it's the highest paying one he has had. He said "Who's going to take care of you when you're sick if you try to divorce me?" I asked him if he ever lied to me or hid things from me and eventually he admitted that the way we met wasn't an accident.

He knew who I was and that I would be there and pretended to stumble into me as an excuse to make conversation. I demanded counseling as a first step and to my surprise he agreed. At that point, I was getting a splitting headache- not a migraine, which I also get often. I went to bed and he gave me a glass of water and medicine and we just didn't bring it up.

I took today off work because I feel burnt out. I don't feel like anything is resolved. Now I doubt myself and everything I heard. If I truly didn't hear that, then I blew up my marriage for nothing. If he did say that and he's capable of lying for 10 years, then why would I stay with him? At least we're getting marriage counseling (and therapy for myself).

People had a lot to say in response.

Dimension_Override wrote:

Might want to save those throw-away posts of his which you found. I mean screen shot them, not just save in Reddit history.

IAmWinning2022too wrote:

Don’t let the alimony scare you from a divorce, if that is what you want. It’s a small price to pay for your mental health and dignity.

emptyheadedloser wrote:

LEAVE HE WILL NOT ACTUALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU WHEN YOU’RE SICK. He sounds so manipulative, it’s scary to think your health care would be in his hands.

cerota wrote:

I’m sorry for you. I think you’re being gaslit by him and it seems like it’s working since you’re doubting your own reality. I really wish the best for you and hope you can move on from this however it ends up being.

A few weeks later, OP shared another update.

Background info: I overheard a conversation in which my husband essentially told his friend the reason he was with me was because I was his piggy bank- I make a lot more than he does and I do most of the chores.

Sam also basically admitted he wasn't attracted to me. I tried to talk to him based on the info I had and the suspicion that he had also made a Reddit post though he doesn't use Reddit. Sam shut me down and told me the conversation with his friend never happened. I've been waffling between writing this post and not, since I think my husband has been reading my posts. I've already deleted it twice.

But he thinks Reddit is a waste of time and the outpouring of emotional support I get here outweighs him reading the thread.

We've had a few short, but devastating conversations since then. Based on Reddit advice, I tried to get evidence that he was with me for my money.

After my husband reluctantly admitted that we didn't meet on accident, I pushed and found out the reason he pursued me is that I'm "stable" and I would "do everything for him" and "never leave him."

His birth mother left when he was young, leaving his family very poor until his grandfather died. I feel sorry for him and understand why he did this, but there's a small, selfish part of me that wonders why he chose me for this life.

I thought I recorded him but nothing shows up in my phone. It doesn't matter since we are an all party consent state. Sometimes I wonder if I was blind. Sam is far more attractive than me (though my own preference tends to lie in the "unconventional"). I should have realized he is not attracted to me and that it was one sided love.

I am not beautiful compared to other women and when I try to wear makeup or fashionable clothes, I can tell he is not impressed. I thought it was because he liked me better natural. My mother used to say a pig wearing makeup is uglier than a pig. I understand that now. That's partially the reason why I could not stand pretending everything was alright.

My love language is touch. I constantly liked to hug him or hold his hand or stroke his back or pet his hair. Knowing that he only tolerates my touch horrifies me. I don't want to be the source of someone's discomfort. I am also ashamed of being so vulnerable, knowing that he hates who I am and the way I look, knowing that he has seen me in my most vulnerable moments. I don't want to be a burden.

After one night I locked myself in the bathroom and slept in the bathtub, he hasn't been moving me from the couch. I think the reason he moved me is to pretend our life hadn't changed rather than any real concern for me. That's why he complained about me withholding affection. I went back to work and continued the routine I had done for a few weeks, working as much as possible until I had to go home.

I cried a lot at work. I passed out at work one day and when I woke up my boss told me to go home. He was angry. I tried to drive home, but I still felt woozy so I parked in a car and fell asleep. I was awoken by a police officer who gave me a warning for sleeping in a car. Apparently, that's a red flag for DUIs. I drove home and Sam was furious.

He somehow had known that I was sent home early. He demanded to know who I was with. I told him the truth. Sam has been sweet to me since. He hasn't taken off work and he only does about an hour of real work a day, which strangely makes me envious of my own husband. Sam has been making sure I rest, making all our meals, and doing the chores.

My work has demanded that I take off at least two more weeks of sick leave since my episode at the office. However, they are also simultaneously making me do work, and implied that my performance bonus will be impacted by my "stunt." If I divorce my husband, the consequences will be beyond me losing the love of my life. My parents will cut me off from our family.

They will not let me see my grandparents ever, who are in very delicate health. My grandparents raised me as a child when I was sent back to live with them in our home country. My family would not be surprised if Sam divorces me. My parents even told me at our wedding that he will leave me and that I should have married the man they arranged, who wanted me for my citizenship.

I will not have any support. In a feverish state, I once offered to give him all of my savings and pay alimony for life if he filed for divorce and he told me to shut up and sleep. I don't know what conditions I can set for the divorce. I'm losing my husband, I'm losing my grandparents, maybe even my job. What do I do?

Two days later, OP shared another update.

Before marriage counseling, I found out husband hid that he had Borderline Personality Disorder. My husband Sam and I agreed to marriage counseling to see if we could save our marriage. This is an out of pocket expense. Before we could go to our first session, we had to fill out several forms and questionnaires.

One question asked about any diagnoses we had. My husband revealed that he had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder two years ago. I knew he went to a psychiatrist/neuropsychologist but he just said they found nothing and there was nothing wrong with him.

I was shocked because he never told me. When I asked why he would hide this from me, he said that it was his medical history and I couldn’t leave him for something not under his control. Sam is not in therapy. Obviously, I would have supported him and gotten the help he needed.

Ever since this came out, Sam has been saying that if I divorce him, I’m abandoning him and that it would be proof I never loved him or care about him. That’s not true. I do love him. That’s why I’m doing this. If I divorce him and pay alimony, he’ll find someone he’s actually in love with. We’d both be happy. Sam has not given me a moment of space but to be fair, I had a high fever a few days ago.

Sam said he wants life to go back to normal “before all this happened and we were happy” but I don’t understand why he would want to continue to live a lie. I’m offering him a way out and he refuses. Is it because of his diagnoses? How do we move forward from this? Is marriage counseling even worth it? Am I making a mistake?

Sadly, both posts were buried on the wayback machine and comments are unavailable. But OP shared another update two weeks later.

I had my first therapy session ever on Saturday (a weekend online therapist who is licensed). When she asked what issues I wanted to resolve, one problem I told her was that I felt like I didn't deserve anything in life. My therapist said that it wasn't an issue, but a blessing since I can practice gratefulness.

I am grateful for the smallest things, but intellectually I feel as though I should not be grateful for them. I feel like a doormat in my personal and professional life. My work demands extremely long work hours. I remember the worst week I ever had in my career was 104 hours of work. I'm exhausted, but my boss relies on me and me only even though there are other members of the team.

He says I'm his biggest asset, and I am grateful for being recognized. Yet, others have gotten promotions off the team and into more relaxed roles. I have not. I've worked here for years, and I've only taken 11 days off for vacation the entire time, not because I want to work, but because I'm "needed." I had invasive wisdom teeth surgery on Thursday, and I got both an infection and dry socket over the weekend.

We had a deal going through and and I went to work yesterday in pain with a fever because my boss demanded that I be there. I worked until 12:17am and didn't eat anything since I was in so much pain. I was supposed to uber back to my hotel (my husband and I are discussing divorce) but I pressed the wrong destination and went back to our house instead.

I fell asleep in our front yard, where my husband found me. Luckily nothing happened to me, since I live in a relatively safe area. My husband is thrilled I came home. He pleaded with me to cancel the rest of the hotel stay and I caved in. I feel selfish for divorcing him and I feel selfish for staying. I don't want to be like my father, using money to force someone to stay with them.

I got my dry sockets treated. I need someone to help me irrigate the holes since doing it myself caused the infection but I don't know who to ask. No friends or family live nearby. I just haven't been eating because I don't want to get another infection. Looking at this post, I feel so much self loathing. It's filled with aggrandizing self pity. The price of my job is the loss of a personal life.

Many people would be happy to be in my position, making as much money as I do. Many people would be thrilled to live my life, and have a home to come to and food in their stomachs. There's no reason for me to be unhappy yet I am. And I know I should feel entitled to some things, but if my therapist says not being expectant is a good thing, then what is my problem? What is wrong with me?

Ten days later, OP shared another update.

My husband Sam and I have access to each others phones, computers, emails, etc. Normally, I don’t read my husband’s things, though I know he sometimes checks my messages and the like.

Today, he left his laptop open to his messages and I saw my name in a message alert from his friend who does not like me. I read more of the chat. A few days ago Sam was arguing with his father over the phone. He was angrier than usual and gesticulating. I went to get something and when I was behind him, his fist accidentally hit my jaw.

He apologized immediately and it was fine. I’ve had a couple of minor surgeries unrelated to this incident, so I don’t look great. I can see why someone would be concerned. My new friends and my therapist were very concerned too when they saw me but when I explained, they understood. Sam’s friend saw me yesterday for a minute.

In the chat, he asked Sam why I had a “messed up face” and Sam said it was fine and not interfere in our marriage. The friend was telling Sam that he should leave me and it was all right if we divorced because there were a lot of women who wanted him. The last message said “u can’t hit ur wife bc she wants a divorce. ust take the check and go.”

Throughout the entire conversation Sam never told his friend it was an accident. He just said that I was his wife and it was not his friend’s business. I feel awful for violating his privacy, and I will tell him, but I’m also confused why he would say this and not clarify the accident.

Commenters did not hold back.

justanosyb*tch wrote:

I've read your post months ago. After all of the updates and other posts, I can't believe he's not an EX husband yet.

OP responded:

Apologies for the late response!

I don’t know. I’m just deeply exhausted by it all. Separating, disentangling finances, surgeries, regressions, breaking from my job, stress. It was all overwhelming.

My wonderful therapist has told me to break down my problems into simple steps and if I’m too exhausted to act, to just let it be for now and gather up my strength for the next thing. I just had an abdominal hysterectomy and right now recovery is my next hurdle. I’m in pain but I’m hopeful.

My husband has been doing everything around the house. I can’t lift most things and it hurts to be too active. He works. He cleans. He has learned to cook some surprisingly complex meals that I like. He irrigates my sockets because they haven’t fully healed and I can’t see properly. That was how I got an infection. He helps me shower.

While he does things like this, it makes me feel guilty for wanting to divorce him. It makes me think he blames himself for accidents like in the post. That he does love me. But then I remember the fact that he doesn’t have any photos of me on his phone and that he admitted he didn’t love me at first and other silly things and I just wonder why we can’t live apart happily.

The8ulovetohate wrote:

Girl, I've been reading your posts. This man is GARBAGE, he literally SAID he never loved you, he's toxic as hell, and now he's all but admitted the hit wasn't accidental? GET 👏🏻 OUT 👏🏻 TONIGHT 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 It's NEVER just one time. It WILL get worse. He WILL do it again. GET OUT ALREADY! In fact, see if you can't use this to get an emergency divorce grant from the judge. Just get out!!!!!

lennvor wrote:

I'm sorry OP, I see people are replying here after reading your story elsewhere so if that ship sailed I figured I would too because I'm worried. I hope this won't be too overwhelming for you, I know feelings seem to be running high on that other sub.

"I feel awful for violating his privacy, and I will tell him, but I’m also confused why he would say this and not clarify the accident."

I'm so sorry OP. But given the larger context of your relationship, your self-esteem and things like that it really looks to me like the most sinister answer is the most likely one. You say your therapist understood after you explained the accident - have you mentioned this conversation you found to your therapist?

The big problem here is that if this was deliberate - or even if it wasn't deliberate, but that the reason Sam didn't clarify to his friend that it was accidental was that it was irrelevant because both he and his friend knew he had reached a point where this was something he might do - that means you're in danger.

It's all the more worrying that looking at your past posts there seems to be an escalation in these accidents - first a jar dropped near you, two weeks later airpods thrown at you resulting in an injury, and now you were directly hit.

Have you read the book "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft? It's a bit of an old book but I think you could still find it helpful, and it can be found in PDF form online.

In it he addresses directly questions such as "how intentional are a##sers" that could help you understand these accidents better. Like, it doesn't have to be an evil plot, there can be subconscious processes at work, or being intentional about "letting loose" or setting up situations where v**lence might happen without calculating the v**lent act itself.

I also wonder whether you've mentioned these events to the lawyers you are talking to about your divorce, and whether they might impact how you can hope for things to go. Because your financial concerns are a very good reason to put off the divorce for a few months but I worry it's not just about finances anymore.

It's generally said that the most dangerous time in an abusive situation is when one is leaving, and this seems to fit in your case, the friend seemed to take it as a matter of course that your husband hit you because you wanted to divorce him. For that matter, does your husband know your timeline for the divorce and the reasons why, or is there a chance he could find out from snooping?

Sundae-83 wrote:

Is this the same friend you overheard him have the FT convo with? I think your husband needs new friend(s), or he really needs to distance himself from them. They sound toxic and not supportive of your marriage at all. That’s not a friend.

I think you need to set up better boundaries as well. If I heard my husband’s friend saying anything to that affect, I’d tell him he can pick his friend or his marriage. He’s letting his friend disrespect you and your marriage.

Don’t let that happen. Even if it was a joke, it was still done in poor taste. You’re worth more than that, even if you don’t feel that way. Every human deserves respect and decency, and that includes you! You don’t deserve this treatment. You deserve more so demand more, but YOU'RE the only one who can do it. Did you guys ever start therapy?

OP responded:

Yes, it is the same friend. My husband has a circle of childhood friends. I know a few dislike me. One of them has told me that she wished my husband had married a mutual friend of theirs instead of me.

I do feel like an intruder in their friendship circle.

I’m happy to say that, now that I’m on leave from work and unlikely to return, my coworkers have grown into close friends.

It makes me kind of sad that I chose to work from home a lot, missing out on the closeness they have demonstrated. We did start marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor is wonderful, as is my therapist. My husband has started DBT therapy but he hates it.

Our counselor says one of our root problems is the way we define ourselves. I see myself for what I can provide people- I am a hard worker, I am efficient, I cook, I clean, I can do this or that- rather than what I am intrinsically. My husband defines himself on what he loves and hates, his interests and disinterests.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Last weekend, my (32F) husband Sam (32M) and a few of his friends and spouses arranged to go to an amusement park. I am not a huge fan of loud, hot, crowded places. I find it overwhelming. Moreover, I could not go on the thrill rides as I recently had surgery and have very high blood pressure. Sam convinced me to go to connect with his friends.

When we came, their itinerary was a tight schedule of all thrill rides. The first ride was a rollercoaster. I was in line as a placeholder for a person. One friend, Jake, collected everyone’s phones and put it in his bag. I tried to tell him that I couldn’t go on the ride, but it seems I was unclear. I didn’t want to make a fuss for this one ride so I gave him my phone.

When the person returned, I got out of line and waited at one of the two exits as they would meet me there. After waiting for 40min, I realized they must have gone to the other exit and left without me. I checked the other nearby rides but I couldn’t find them. I went to a first aid station, and I called my phone and then my husband but he didn’t pick up.

At first I tried to stay in the area, but it was high traffic, loud, and very hot. I still had my pass and cash with me. I found a quieter, shaded area, bought lunch, met a very nice elderly couple who showed me a few spots, won a plushie and a blanket from a vending machine, and had dinner. I had fun.

There was an announcement that the park would close in half an hour. I decided I would go to our parked car to wait for the group. 30min later, one of Sam’s friends, Nancy, found me next to the car and dragged me to the others. They were furious because they had been frantically looking for me for the last half an hour.

Not long after posting, OP shared another update.

Update: There is not much of an update. Sam and I talked it out at home and in marriage counseling and came to a sort of understanding.

I feel I was less than charitable to him, likely because I felt hurt that he left me. This is how the day went. Jake gathered everyone’s loose items including phones, wallets, hats, etc. in his bag and put it in a locker. I made a mistake and put my phone in his bag since I didn’t want to hold them up. A bit later, I crossed over to the exit line, walked down, and waited at the exit.

They were supposed to meet me there. My husband’s group got split. Sam rode in the second half and heard from his friend that the first group didn’t want to do another thrill ride. They slipped back to the entrance with the lockers instead of going to the exit. When I wasn’t at the lockers he thought I left with the first group without waiting for him.

He was hurt and decided not to contact me until I contacted him. He thought if I loved him, I would contact him. Meanwhile, I was waiting at the exit. I realized that Sam had already left when I saw the same people exit twice, meaning they rode the coaster, waited in line again, and rode the again. This was approx 40 minutes after the 25 wait time the line stated.

I went to the first aid station and called him. I made a mistake. I forgot he doesn’t respond/call back unknown numbers because of scams. Sam’s friends got back together and split throughout the day. He was upset when I wasn’t with any group because he thought I left them too and I hadn’t tried to contact him.

When the park announced the closing, he was worried. He and his friends called my phone. They dug through Jake’s backpack and saw that my phone was there and it was dead. Sam found out no one had seen me since the first ride. He called back the unknown number and it was the first aid station who confirmed I was there.

Our marriage counselor said I was passive and lacked boundaries. I should have said no to the entire idea. I agree with her. I’m working on me with my therapist.

She said that Sam was so willing to believe I left him and his desire to test if I still loved him that he left me in a dangerous situation.

His therapist said he defines himself by the love I give him, which is unhealthy. Sam apologized the entire time. He feels guilty. He mopes around the house. I gave him the plushie I won and it only made him happy for a few minutes. I think I made it worse. He constantly checks my hand to see if I’m still wearing my rings.

People didn't hold back their thoughts on the scenario.

mollydoa212 wrote:

They had only been looking for you for half an hour? After it was their fault (or at the very least, your husband’s because he knew you couldn’t go on any rollercoasters) you didn’t have your phone and then left the ride without you? NTA I’m glad you found a way to have fun!

th3greg wrote:

NTA. Sounds like you were alone for most of the day but they only were looking for you for the last 30 minutes? They seemed to have no problems leaving you after the ride, and I'm surprised Sam apparently had no problems with you being fully no contact in an amusement park for the entire day recently after a surgery. I'd at least try to check in with my wife, even if she was just fine doing her own thing.

OP responded:

We arrived there in the morning. There are a long lines for the most anticipated thrill rides. I only had an abdominal hysterectomy so while I can’t lift heavy things or walk a lot, I’m mostly fine.

Edit: the surgery was almost two weeks ago

Stormfeathery wrote:

NTA. I'd say E S H for all of them, but that'd imply you as well which isn't the case. Your husband decided to drag you along to bond with the others, despite it not being your thing. He just... ignored your wants there. Then when it came to actually bonding with the others they just... left you?

I mean, it wouldn't be too hard for them to exit, not see you and then check the other exit and that's 100% what they should have done. Without taking your phone in the first damn place.

Then they just...left you without worrying about you for half an hour before the park closed? And ignored the phone when they should have known it could have been what you might use to get in contact with them?

And not even like put out an announcement to try to find you or ANYTHING? They were a bunch of selfish jerks, and then trying to turn it around on you. And Sam needs a serious wakeup call honestly. If no one else cared, he needed to. Even without the "had surgery and high blood pressure" thing!

OP responded:

They just genuinely forgot I was there. It was a large group that frequently hang out together and I don’t go on these sorts of outings so it makes sense.

fakeprewarbook wrote:

NTA, but based on your post history you amply know he is an AH. Seems to me like either you are the kind of person who is a sort of doormat who needs constant 24/7 reassurance before they can feel strong in their own opinions, or you are seeking to vent here so that you don’t have to change anything in your relationship.

Both of which are very common dynamics, but what I am suggesting is that you start to rely on yourself a bit more in order to build up the strength to dump this motherf-er already. You can’t use reddit to vote him out of the marriage. You must do it yourself.

Sources: Reddit
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