'I found out my husband has been telling his coworkers I'm his sister. What do I do?' UPDATED 2X

"I (28F) found out my husband (29M) has been telling his coworkers that I'm his sister. What do I do? Please help!"

Throwaway account because I really need advice from someone not connected to me or my husband. My husband (I'll call him Josh) and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4, and we don't have kids. We have a really healthy and communicative relationship, we're both pretty easy-going and I really love him.

He started working at a large accounting firm about 3 years ago, and from what he tells me he loves it there. He's made a lot of friends through his job and he goes out with them for drinks and social events quite often, and I've been totally okay with that. I'm quite introverted so I've never been interested in meeting his colleagues or work friends, nor have I asked to.

I've got my own circle of friends and I'm fine with us having separate friend groups. After what happened yesterday it only just occurred to me that he has never actually asked me if I'd like to meet any of them, or go to one of his work events, I guess that's important context. Anyway, I'll start with what happened a few months ago, that I had brushed off until now.

I was at a bar with some friends for a couple of Friday after-work drinks, and a guy approached me (he was there with some friends, too). He looked slightly familiar but I hadn't met him before. He seemed friendly enough, and he asked me, "[My name], right?" I think I must have just given him a confused look, because he followed up with, "I'm Jake, I work with Josh."

I realised that I recognised him from some photos on my husband's phone (I don't use social media except for a private Instagram, so I'm not sure if he posted the photos anywhere - but we've got a very trusting relationship so I look in his photos sometimes - don't hate me).

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing. I'm a bit socially awkward and so I struggled to end the conversation, but he just kept talking at me, I guess he was already a couple of beers deep. But while he was talking, he said something like, "It's great that you guys are still so close. I haven't talked to my brother in ages."

At the time I was like, huh? But I just assumed he was dr-nk and not making sense, so I ignored it. He started to get a little flirty so I turned to my friends and we left shortly after that. I didn't say anything to them about it and it didn't seem like a big deal to me. I also decided not to tell my husband that I had met his coworker Jake.

Not to hide it, but I figured the guy wouldn't even remember talking to me, and I didn't want to make it awkward for Josh at work by telling him his colleague tried to hit on me. I just thought no harm no foul. But, yesterday morning, I was out walking our dog, Monty (he's a cross between a few breeds and has very unique markings - this matters I promise) and was on my way to my regular cafe, which is in town.

I was waiting in line to order, and the guy in front was an older man. He got his coffee and turned around, but stopped and looked at my dog and goes, "Hello Monty!!!" Monty was super excited to see him, apparently, and so I guessed that the guy was another colleague of Josh's, because Josh brings the dog to the office a couple of times a week.

I thought it was sweet, to be honest, so I smiled at him and said hi. He introduced himself (I guessed correctly that he was a colleague), but then he said something like, "aren't you a good sister, walking his dog for him!" I was so confused that I didn't even know how to react at first, so I stumbled on my words and just said "it's my dog."

I regret it but I genuinely couldn't bring myself to correct him and say that I'm Josh's wife and not his sister. It was just too awkward, and I just wanted to leave because I think was suddenly dawning on me what might have been going on. He asked me something about "sharing a dog" but I was able to escape the conversation by being next in line to order my coffee, and he left.

I seriously don't know what to do, because what the hell????? Do I even ask my husband about this? Part of me is just assuming or hoping that it's a mistake, that he doesn't talk about me much at work and they assume we are related because we both have brown hair (???).

But the thought that he has been telling his coworkers that I'm his sister (and evidently they have seen what I look like, so they must have seen photos) makes my stomach churn. I don't even know how I would broach the subject with him. I need some help - what would you guys do in this situation?

I have only told one friend what happened because it's so weird and embarrassing, and she has jumped straight to "time to plot his downfall" (because she's my ride-or-die, love her), but I don't want to immediately assume the worst or ruin my marriage over something that could be nothing. I'm sorry for the long and rambly post, but I would REALLY appreciate any and all advice!!

After the post gained traction, OP shared an update.

Edit: Holy f-, thank you everyone who commented with some advice! I haven’t read all of them but I really appreciate the suggestions from you guys. A small update, Josh came home at about 2:30am last night, but he was drunk so he just went straight to sleep, which is fine by me because f-k having this conversation in that state.

I’ve just woken up but he’s still sleeping. First thing I just want to clear up - I’ve seen a lot of people suggesting I have crippling social anxiety, or am severely introverted, which I suppose you could glean from the way I explained what happened, but I’m not!

I meant that I’m slightly introverted in that I’m not the most eager to meet lots of new people at once, especially a bunch of finance bros whose weekends consist of unending sports bar beers, where I assume I would be mansplained everything until my ears bleed (prob a negative assumption, but I’m sure some of you know what I mean).

I suppose you could say that I’m “confrontation averse” in that I’m quite laid back and prefer to keep a conversation easy and positive, idk. I don’t like it when things are awkward and correcting when people misrecognise me is one of those things, but I’m not terrified of confrontation.

Also, my husband and I do share some mutual friends, I didn’t explain that well but our lives are not entirely separate. The way he acts towards me around our mutual friends is extremely affectionate and normal. It is only his “work friends” that I have never interacted with.

I’ve also seen some people suggest that what is going on is equivalent to my husband beating me and me hopelessly wondering whether I should break up with him. Or that I’m stupid for thinking my relationship was healthy when it “clearly isn’t”. Like, d-mn, cut me some slack! I’m a real person and this is an entirely alien and bizarre situation for me.

My first reaction wasn’t to assume the worst but I do appreciate that you all have made me certain that it is a big deal. I guess I needed confirmation that the things that happened are enough “proof” that Josh has been purposefully lying, and they weren’t just mixups. I’m going to talk to him today, and ask him directly why he’s telling his coworkers that I’m his sister.

I followed the advice of writing my points down so that they don’t get lost if I get emotional, lol. I will do my best not to let him slither out of it and I hope he has some proof that his colleagues know I’m his wife. I know that’s not the theatrical confrontation you guys were hoping for, but it’s a Saturday, and I can’t wait! Wish me luck, thank you all!!

The internet had a lot to say.

Subspaceisgoodspace wrote:

I think you are underreacting here. There is literally no good reason he has told all his coworkers you are his sister. I am so sorry. You could choose for ask him why or you could just leave.

OP responded:

You’re right, I think I was still in denial and hoping it was all a mixup when i posted this (I still am a little). My husband is out right now and I’m in bed and my head is spinning, but I think i’ll talk to him tomorrow

DevotedRed wrote:

Does he not wear a wedding ring to work? Why does he need to hide the fact he’s married? Sorry OP, but this would send me into a tailspin. Find out as much as you can before confronting him.

OP responded:

This is where I am right now, tailspinning :(( Reading these comments and starting to think I’m stupid because it seems so obvious from an outside perspective. But I know him so well I’m just finding it so hard to fathom he would even do something like this!!!

Reasonable-Let-8405 wrote:

OP, I read your post, so did my brother, and his male friend. We all need you to hear this: your husband is having an affair with someone from work, or at least wants to have an affair. There is someone at his work that makes him lie about being married, which he desperately wants attention from.

There is no other reason. Maybe it would be better to talk to someone from his work first, becasue I got a feeling your husband will try to dismiss your concerns, or gaslight you, and you won't get a true answer from him. Wish you all the best, OP! And please, update us :)

sourdough_s8n wrote:

I couldn’t get through this post tbh but girl STAND UP. No self respecting husband that has such a good relationship (like you say) would be calling you his sister. There's at least an emotional affair happening or he and all these coworkers like to go play single together.

You have two options:

“Why the f-k do these people think I’m your sister?” Privately in your home.

Or

Go out with them, meet them, sit on your husband's lap, hold his hand, kiss him often! Tell everyone you two still sleep in the same bed after all these years and watch him try and crawl out of his lie in real time.

OP responded:

God this hurts but I think this is the wake-up call I need 😭

Two days later, OP shared a major update.

Hi everyone, I just wanted to say thank you for overwhelming amount of support and advice, I'm blown away and it really means a lot and has kept me grounded. I'm sorry for the slow update, I know a lot of you were interested in what happened. I'll just get right into it. On Saturday morning I woke up earlier than my husband, he was very hungover so he was like sleeping a rock.

But you guys will be proud of me, because I followed some advice and decided to look through his phone properly while he was sleeping. I have been on his phone so often just pissing around on it that I had never thought to check anything very deeply (I know his passcode by heart).

I checked all the expected things like instagram DMs, facebook messenger, his iMessages, etc, and I didn't find anything that set off alarm bells to me. But I know from some comments that people who are cheating are good at covering their tracks and hiding messages so I kept looking around.

I saw he had a folder called 'work', and so I looked in there, and he had a couple of Microsoft apps (outlook, authenticator, onenote, etc), but he also had MS Teams. So I opened that up and had a look around. It did feel like I might have been breaking laws looking at his work messages but I obviously had to. I was already upset to see that he had a bunch of one-on-one chats with several female coworkers.

Which, at first glance is obviously not an issue, because everyone works with people of the opposite gender and are required to communicate with them. But a couple of them were vaguely flirty, nothing I would call egregious, but there would be the occasional message between them with some playful innuendo or a wink emoji.

These upset me, obviously, and they did send me into a bit of a spiral, but I didn't find anything that suggested he was having an out-and-out affair with any of them. Still, I followed someone's suggestion of screenshotting the messages and I airdropped them to myself. I still wanted some evidence of the lie, though, some proof of Josh telling someone that I was his sister directly.

A commenter suggested that I go through his messages and search for keyword "sister" (I wanted to reply to your comment and say thank you for the idea but the post was locked (??) so I couldn't, but thank you!). So I searched for "sis" on his MS teams, hoping to find results for both "sister" and "sis".

A bunch of messages from all-hands group chats or one-on-one chats came up from other people, all unrelated and about their own sisters or whatever. But my heart dropped out my a-s, lol, when I saw there was a direct message from Jake (the guy from the bar) to Josh from a Monday a few months ago.

Jake's messages said: "Ran into your sis at [the bar] on Fri. She's single right??"

And my husband had the f-ing gall to reply, "Nah, she's married."

I literally almost burst into flames on the spot when I saw that, I can't even describe how much I was shaking after reading those messages. Firstly that I could have confronted Josh about this MONTHS ago, I was (and still am) so furious with myself for that.

Josh would have been f-ing praying I didn't remember meeting Jake or that I wouldn't mention it, and he would have been counting his lucky stars that I never did. He probably thought he was hot s-t for getting away with that and I nearly burnt a hole through the floor thinking about it, lol.

But secondly, I was just in shock that he had the balls to tell this guy that I'M the one who is married, because he doesn't want anyone having it on with me, but HE is allowed to coyly flirt with every woman in the office???

Anyway, I kept going back through the search results on his MS teams, and eventually I got as far back as 2-ish years ago, and I did in fact find a message from Josh himself to a group chat. It said "me and sis in Nusa Dua". I clicked on that and saw that he had sent it alongside a bunch of photos of him and I from our holiday to Bali. We went to Bali for our second anniversary.

I thought he probably chose those photos because he's shirtless and had been working out so he looked hot in all of them. I was in tears seeing all of this, obviously. I took screenshots of those too and airdropped all of the screenshots to myself. Needless to say I was devastated, and still am, to see all of that. I am still struggling to even process it at all.

But that all happened on Saturday morning, and I immediately took myself to my friend's house (I'll call her Sophie). I went to her place to cry it out and show her what I found, and she was extremely supportive and probably more furious than me, lol. At around 1:30pm I got a phone call from Josh, and I hung it up immediately.

He sent me a few messages along the lines of, "where are you baby?" "I'm ordering food, want some?" "sad to not wake up next to you this morning :("

Guys I have to reiterate how much I loved this man, and how heartwrenching it was to see him still acting like nothing had gone wrong.

It took so much willpower to not just pretend none of it had ever happened and go home to him. I know a lot of you will yell at me or accuse me of being terrified of confronting him about this, which is not true - please have some empathy! It takes me time to process my emotions and I wouldn't have even been able to form a sentence if I tried to confront him immediately after seeing those messages.

I needed some time away with Sophie to recollect myself, and so I stayed the night at her place. She ordered us chinese and she helped me plan how I would confront him. I got a bunch more texts and calls from him as the evening progressed and I eventually put my phone on do not disturb.

Sunday morning I woke up feeling more angry than sad, so I opened my phone and finally replied to his messages, "Coming home now, need to talk." I kept it cryptic to make him squirm, to be honest. Because I was/am fraught with emotions I can't remember the entire conversation word for word, but I'll try to replay it as best I can.

Long story short, I got home and he tried to hug me, but I refused him and we just stood in the kitchen. I did confront him like someone suggested, I just said, "why have you been telling your coworkers I'm your sister?"

I wish it would've been like a movie scene where the colour drained from his face, or he immediately looked like a deer in headlights, but he didn't. It was like he had been girding himself for this confrontation for a while, because he just frowned at me and looked flabbergasted. He just said, "huh?" This made me SO ANGRY.

How are you going to pretend to be stupid after THREE YEARS OF LYING? I basically said, don't play dumb, TWO of your coworkers have greeted me as your sister, and I have proof of you telling them. And I know you're pretending to be single. Essentially I asked him what he had to say for himself. He STILL PLAYED STUPID!!!

He became moderately defensive and just kept saying, "I don't know what you're talking about," or, "Why would I lie about you??" I cannot describe how furious I was at this point, but I was in tears (I always cry when I'm angry), so he was trying to comfort me as if I was having some kind of irrational breakdown.

I showed him the screenshot of his message saying "me and sis", and I said something like, "You tell me."

He just said, "I don't know what I'm looking at," and, "I'm confused."

I got so angry that I left again, and went back to Sophie's, because it felt like a dead-end road. I didn't think I was going to get him to admit to anything and I was just getting so furious I couldn't continue. He was really upset, and in tears, which to me was evidence that he knew he was lying and that he was going to have to come up with some explanation.

He tried to get me to stay, but I told him that until you have something to say for yourself, we've got nothing to talk about. At like 8:30ish, he called me again and I did pick up. He basically asked for us to talk and he said he has some "things to say", so I went back to our apartment. He had written out a bunch of stuff on a piece of paper as if he had prepared a speech and sat me down on the couch.

He asked me not to say anything while he was explaining himself. I'll write down the gist of what he said in bullet points:

He started by apologising relentlessly and admitting that he pretended to be stupid before because he couldn't immediately think of something to say for himself.

He said that immediately after he started at his job, he realised the atmosphere was like a frathouse. All of his team members were men in their 20s and 30s that were single and "f-boys" (his word). He noticed that the one guy in their team that was married would either get picked on, or essentially excluded from any and all social interactions (that included getting lunch, inside jokes, going out on Friday, etc).

These guys were friendly and welcoming to Josh, and he admitted that he was desperate to fit in with them, he hated feeling like "fresh meat." So he was scared that saying he was married would alienate him from his coworkers, and at first just never mentioned that he was married. He said he did wear his wedding ring and that they had just never pointed it out.

A few months in, they were all out drinking after work. He admitted that after one of his work mates saw picture of him and I on his lockscreen, they asked him who I was, and in a moment of panic he said, "my sister." He was really apologetic at this point, and he was crying a lot, he couldn't even look at me and he was just reading what he had written down.

Anyway, he said that from then, he basically dug himself a deeper and deeper grave, because they kept grilling him about me and wanting to see more pictures of me. He said he had let it go on too long and that he "didn't have the balls" to admit to the lie. They would always bring me up and ask stuff like, "did you give her my number yet?" or joke that they had slept with me, etc.

So when he got that message from Jake, he essentially thought it was just him taking the piss, but he didn't like the jokes they were making about me and said that I was married in hopes they would stop (they didn't). He said that this wasn't the first time he told them I was married, in fact he had said so pretty much immediately after saying I was his sister.

He said that those pictures of us in Nusa Dua were the only pictures that he had purposefully sent them and deliberately lied about, after what he called an "endless barrage" of pestering from his colleagues to share the pics from his holiday. He said he was really ashamed that he did that.

He told me that he had never had an affair or even considered it, that the messages between him and his female colleagues were 'banter' and that it was commonplace to talk to people like that in the office. He also said he knows how disgusting it is and he is embarrassed to have been acting like a "f-boy" (again, his word).

He concluded his speech by apologising again, and said that he was disgusted with himself and ashamed that he had lied for so long, but felt like he had trapped himself and that he couldn't find a way to get himself out of it. He said he knows he could have confessed the truth to either his coworkers or to me at any point but that he didn't because he was a coward.

He said that he'll confess to his entire office that he lied and that I am his wife and not his sister if I want him to. He said that he will quit his job without a word if it would make me feel better, and that he hopes I can forgive him but he understands if I can't.

Anyway, I couldn't really think of anything to say at that point. He went to lock himself in the bathroom, and I just sat on the couch crying. I still don't know if I can trust what he said, and a lie that extreme is just baffling to me. If he can lie like that, for so long, what else could he be lying about?? But his explanation and apologies seemed so sincere and genuine, and I guess to an extent what he said is believable.

He has always been extroverted but very susceptible to peer pressure, especially from other blokes. If nothing else, to me, it's a sign of shocking immaturity. Anyway, I packed up a bag and went back to Sophie's, and I'm still at her place as I'm writing this. She said I can stay as long as I need to.

I told Josh that I needed time away from him to think about everything and whether or not I believe him, or whether I can ever trust him again. He told me to take as long as I needed and that he will still be there if or when I get back, he said, "even if it takes a year." Right now nothing feels real, I'm still dealing with the emotional whiplash from all of this and I can't keep food down or think about anything.

I've taken the day off work and Josh told me he's going to take off the whole week. Sophie and my other friends have told me not to make a decision on anything until my head is clear. I spoke to my parents this morning and my mum says it's just a "bump in the road", but she and my dad adore Josh so they're pretty biased, lol.

That's where I am right now. I'll take some time before I consider my next steps, I can't say whether I'm leaning towards forgiveness or divorce, but those are really the only options. I kind of feel lost in a void at the moment, that's probably the best way to describe it, just emptiness.

Thanks again for all of your advice and support, I'm truly so grateful, and having this place to write down all of my thoughts has been helpful to get my mind a little clearer. This will be my last update (unless I make an edit to clear things up). All the best <3

Here's what people had to say after the update:

9mmGirl wrote:

Having worked in the finance industry for years (43F), there is definitely a more “cliquey” vibe than in some other industries. Being single and partying hard off-hours is expected as you’re coming up the ranks and you definitely get picked on, singled out, and/or passed over in favor of “yes men/company men” if you don’t comply.

That being said, your husband has no backbone. It takes an individual with a strong sense of self to march to the beat of their own drum when every one else is doing something different.

His inability to even admit that he was in a committed relationship is likely foreshadowing how he will be when times get tough. And they WILL get tough if you stay together. My recommendation is that he attends therapy on his own and you attend couples counseling together with a different therapist, but only if you want to do so.

OP responded:

This is really helpful to know, thank you! I don’t work in finance I work for a small creative company so I have no clue about workplace culture in other industries. But yeah, I am pretty horrified that he was that weak-willed under the pressure of random men. If I can ever bring myself to forgive him I would definitely force him to attend counselling, I knew he was easily peer pressured but not to this extent.

Pleasant-Ad4784 wrote:

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. ☹️ What an absolute gut punch. When I read your first post, I was thinking there was a very good chance he didn’t want to tell anyone he was married for this exact reason. It seems that fitting in and being liked by a bunch of frat bros was more important to him than honoring your marriage.

Why does he care so much about going out and getting dr-nk with these dipsh-s? Shouldn’t he be moving past that mentality? I suggest marriage counseling..he needs to figure out what drove him to live this lie for three years. And I’m curious…how often does he come home as drunk as he did?

OP responded:

He would often go for after work drinks on Fridays (that’s pretty standard where we live, so do I), but I should say that he doesn’t regularly go out that late or get that drunk. Last Friday it was a special occasion because it was his friend’s birthday, but this friend wasn’t one of his work friends. I knew the guys he was out with.

ForbiddenFruitiness wrote:

Do keep in mind that he absolutely did try to gaslight you until it was clear that he wouldn’t get away with it. He didn’t just tell a massive lie, he made you feel crazy, hoping to protect it.

AnonThrowAway072023 wrote:

No, he can't have been wearing your wedding ring for 3 yes and no one noticed!

How about company benefits, are you on his health plans as married?!?! You'd better be his beneficiary of retirement plan & life insurance!!