'I found out my wife of 10 years cheated on me. We're working through it but it sucks.' MAJOR UPDATE

"Me [39 M] with my wife [39 F] of 10 years. Found out 2 months ago she cheated on me. She took pills, went to the hospital; we're working through it but it sucks and I'm not always sure I can."

My wife and I both turn 40 this year. We have three kids under 10. Past couple of years have been less than romantic; I work all the time and she works 2 nights a week, so yeah, we've been falling out of touch.

All the classic signs come up over the past 6 months. She dyes her hair, starts wearing cooler clothes, picks fights with me. About two months ago, I have the house to myself and decide to snoop. I see the text messages with a coworker; apparently they kissed one night after work in his car. She says, and I believe her here, it didn't go further than that.

But her text messages were very clear that she wanted to. "I haven't wanted to connect with someone in so long. I want to see this through, the whole thing." That's burned into my brain. He rejected her, though. So it never went further. I found out two weeks later. I text her that I found out, she takes a lot of pills before driving home, a friend takes her to the hospital and she's admitted indefinitely on s#$cide watch.

Gets diagnosed with Bipolar 2, and she has been in a hypo manic phase for months. This explains some of the behavior. I'm almost immediately caring for her. She is released only a few days later. It's usually much longer than that but she says she was super motivated to get out for the kids and played the game. I feel it was at least partly a deflection but what choice do I have?

I try watching out for myself but I have kids, mortgage, a job, and a life and I don't want to be a divorced dad living in my dad's basement. I make ok money but not enough for two households. I love her, but I'm having a hard time getting past this. We're doing individual and couples therapy, and have had some great and some intimate times since I found out.

But she's kind of in survival mode and doesn't have a lot of energy to give, getting used to new meds, etc. (i.e., I'm the one reading the marriage books). I want to be here for her and I am trying hard to work on me, but I feel guilty that I can't get past it, even though I know that's not rational (it has only been 2 months.

Just tonight, after a failed sexy time (she was too tired), I googled the guy's name again, but this time I found his Twitter feed. On the night in question, he's tweeting he has a crush. And he tweets what looks like an inside joke. And it's eating me up. I know he rejected her; I saw the messages. But maybe there's more to it. What the f#$k is that inside joke?

TL;DR: Wife cheated, but we're both committed to getting past it. Two questions: have many of you successfully gotten past this kind of thing, or does it always haunt you at strange times? And those who couldn't get past it, does divorced life suck as bad as I think it will?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

[deleted] wrote:

"Just tonight, after a failed s#$y time (she was too tired)." Do you think she would've turned down the other guy? That is the thought that would plague me, she would turn me down but was actively pursuing the other guy. She doesn't seem sorry that she almost had the affair, she only became upset that she got caught.

Storm- wrote:

OP, bro, listen. From what you told us here, she did not apologized, or admitted to any wrong doing. Instead of coming home and talk about it or continue to lie, she tried to commit suicide. Also you tried to engage in sex after she did all this. I'm kinda feeling like you see her as a Goddess, and want to keep her forever, but...just let it go man..

thereisnospatula wrote:

Look OP, she was rejected ok - there was intent and that is all you need to focus on. Will she try this again? Probably. Will you discover it like this time? Hopefully.. However you view marriage, whether you believe it's for life or until one party breaks vows, you need to realize the truth here.

Your wife got all dolled up for another man, starting treating you, her husband, like s#$t and then got rejected by this guy even though (as you say yourself) she wanted to go a lot further. Who is to say that if this guy actually wanted a relationship that she wouldn't have left you for him!? Is this the person who you want to make things work with...?

chust wrote:

I'm sorry you are going through this. First, I would guess you haven't gotten the whole story and you probably need the whole story to decide what you do next. There's probably more to it than what you know. Her suicide attempt appears to have changed the subject.

Now you're reading 'how to save the marriage books' but she isn't because it seems like she doesn't care. None of your issues appear to have been addressed. You're sweeping this under the rug and hoping to move on but that's not going to happen. She needs to make some sort of effort on a reconciliation here.

Ten years later, OP shared an update.

All the advice in my [now 49 dear god] previous post was reasonable, good advice; I’m glad I didn’t take any of it. I’m still married, and I love my life and my wife [now 49].

Like any marriage, there are things we work on, but in retrospect the incident with the guy whose name I just realized I don’t even remember (I’ll call that progress!) was truly a Bipolar II hypomanic phase, at a time that the medication she was on for depression only exacerbated the issue.

Every year in May, on the anniversary of me finding out and her suicide attempt, for the first few years, were very hard. It’s gotten better every year, this year I didn’t even notice til today and it’s over a week past. We vacation together, we’re intimate several times per month, we have plans for when our kids are out of the house for a popup trailer and travel.

I learned though the process of couples therapy how important it is for me to be ok with just me; if I’m alone or end up divorced I will survive and retain my identity. I have my hobbies and have established my self worth. She has continued to work on her mental health, with professionals, and has succeeded in avoiding the worst ups and downs.

I love her, she loves me, and we’re still gratefully together. All this to say, divorce and separation may be the right answer to a lot of situations — I don’t take for granted that it isn’t in my future — but you should know it’s not the only solution for really bad situations. You may be able to work though it and be happy.

TL;DR: my wife and I are still together, and happy, and I’m glad I didn’t take the fairly consistent advice from my post 10 years ago.

The internet was glad to hear the update.

AhBuckleThis wrote:

You're delusional. You actually want a pop up travel trailer?

OP responded:

Lol we want an airstream. But in this economy??

PeachyAuras wrote:

D@mn, this was so honest and hopeful. Really cool to see someone choose growth over bitterness and come out stronger for it. Wishing you both the best.

Not-A-Kitten wrote:

Love this update! Congrats!! I appreciate the 10 year follow up - I hope we start seeing more of these. Really helps all of us with perspective.

strangelifedad wrote:

Congratulations of seeing the good in the worst moment. And I sincerely hope you two will see it through to the end.

And I am glad to see that your wife is doing better now.