'I found out my wife cheated in the beginning of our relationship. What do I do?' MAJOR UPDATE

"I (38M) found out my wife (36F) cheated in the beginning of our relationship"

My wife and I have been together since 2010, married in 2016. We both work full time and don't have kids, we've been trying for a while without success, though recent events left me wondering if I really want this with her. We met when we both got in the University (me in 2007 and she in 2008), we were friends before we got together.

In the end of 2009/start of 2010, she was going though a bad time in her relationship at the time, and I ended up supporting her with a mutual friend of ours.

She broke up with her ex, and a few months later, one thing let to another and we ended up kissing, which led to me inviting her on a date, and the rest just happened...we were officially together in 2010, and I couldn't be happier. Our marriage and relationship in general were always pretty good, we've always communicated well, and I never had a reason to suspect my wife was cheating.

Last Saturday, there was a barbecue in her brother's house, I got inside to get some stuff in the kitchen. While I was looking inside the fridge, I overheard my wife talking to her sister in the other room. I wasn't trying to snoop on them at first (I really don't do this kind of thing), but then I heard something like "[my name] can NEVER know about this", well... OF COURSE that was my cue to actually snoop.

I hid and listened to their talking. Apparently her sister almost cheated on her boyfriend and was feeling guilty, and my wife told her about the time she slept with a guy who was a lab assistant with her at the University, AFTER we started dating (we were exclusive, see EDIT 2) in 2010.

In her own words, she said "I wasn't sure things with [my name] would work out at the time and I just allowed myself to do it...I felt guilty once I saw how much he loved me and treated me well, and I could see a future with him".

Then her sister asked if something else happened later in the relationship, and my wife said "no, it was just that one time and I wish I could forget about it"

I haven't talked to her about this yet. I'm not even sure how to approach her. I feel incredibly hurt, and I know confronting her right now may just worsen things. Again, I never had reasons to suspect she cheated, but she hid this from me all these years, and now that I just found out... it feels like she JUST cheated on me. I'm really broken.

She noticed I am not myself these past days, and I dismissed it by saying it's just stress, but she knows me, and she will keep trying to get an answer. I don't know what to do...should just try and forget what I heard? I don't know if I should talk to her right now, or process it in therapy first...

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

UPDATE:

I decided I will talk to her, but not right now. I'm still very upset and I don't want this to turn into a shouting match. I want it to be a conversation, not a fight.

I have a therapy session today and I will speak with my therapist about it. Hopefully it will help me start this conversation with my wife. Had I known she cheated at the time, I would have broken up with her. I understand everyone saying "just leave" but this is the person I built my life with.

The person who supported me in so many ways, and helped me grow as a person and as a professional. Before I make any harsh decisions, I want to hear what she has to say about this. Then I will decide for myself what will be the way forward.

No, I don't believe she cheated on me other than this time, she never gave me any reasons to think she did. I've always had access to her phone, she was never secretive of anything, and we spend most of our free time together. But how she will answer when I talk to her about it will surely either confirm this, or change it completely.

UPDATE 2:

I talked to my therapist. It helped me a lot, my head is in a much better place now, and I will talk to my wife tonight. My decision on what will be my next steps will be based on the way she reacts and responds to me.

Also, people are assuming we weren't exclusive when the cheating happened. We were. Words were lost in translation as "after we started dating" literally means "depois que começamos a namorar" in my mother tongue*,* and this is something we say in my country only when couples are exclusive.

Which was our case.

We did have a phase of friends with benefits when we were both seeing other people, but we knew about it.

TL;DR: I found out my wife cheated in the beginning of our relationship because she was not sure if things with me were going to work out with me. I overheard her saying this to her sister. Said she regretted it, after seeing a future with me, and nothing of the kind happened again. Should just try and forget what I heard?

The internet had a lot to say about the situation.

SnooRecipes9891 wrote:

The betrayal just happened to you, no matter how much time has passed for her. You can't bury it as it will come out in many different unhealthy ways. If you want to keep growing together and be healthy, happy and have a safe supportive relationship, she has to own it and work towards regaining your trust.

AnotherDominion wrote:

Would you have married her if she confessed when you proposed? She took away your ability to make your own decision about it. She’s a selfish, remorseless woman who only does what‘s good for her. Not being tied to her with a kid is a blessing. Of course you should tell her you know she cheated on you. This is old news to her but it’s brand new to you. That’s a big s#$t sandwich you just ate.

Swordandheart wrote:

Whose to say she isn't trickle truthing her sister in this situation? Everyone always says they guilty after the fact. I don't know what happened when you guys were dating that made her feel things wouldn't work out, but her saying she just “allowed herself to do it” is terrible and if she wasn’t sure she should have just ended things.

She cant have her cake and eat it too. Confront her about how you overheard the conversation. Its up to you whether or not this is something you can forgive, but personally I would have a really hard time trusting her ever again after that.

gruntbuggly wrote:

Talk to your wife about what you heard. Tell her that while it happened 15 years ago for her, it happened on Saturday for you, and you need help processing it. If you're going to work through it, you need to work through it together. Either way, the conversations, and your wife's reaction to everything, will help you sort your feelings on whether you want to forgive or divorce.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

I received a lot of good feedback on my other post. As usual, there's the "DIVORCE NOW" crew online, but among those, I was actually surprised to see good suggestions.

Anyway, after I made the post, I talked to my therapist. She helped me put things in perspective, and made me really think on what and how I value my relationship with my wife. She made me realize that I really needed to have this conversation with my wife, but not about the cheating itself, but about how she hid it from me.

Last night, I decided to speak with my wife. I waited until we were both chilling, and called her to our bedroom, saying I needed to talk.

She tensed up and went with me, asked me what was wrong. We both sat on our bed, and I had to hold myself together not to break down in front of her.

I said I heard when she spoke to her sister about the time she cheated when we started our relationship (yes, when we started being exclusive). I said I was hurt, a lot, but even more due to the fact that she hid it from me. I asked her why she did it, and why she never told me anything. She broke down crying in front of me. She said it was true, it happened right after we became exclusive.

She said that us being friends at the time, and even having a friends with benefits phase made her fall in love with me pretty fast. At the time, she had some friends that kept encouraging her to stay away from me, because she was getting too much attached, and too fast, and she needed to wait and have more fun before going all in into another relationship.

When I asked her to be my girlfriend, she said she REALLY wanted to be together with me, so she said yes. But her being a (her words) naive idiot at the time, she let herself get influenced by those friends, and in one of those night outs, she got drunk and ended hooking up making out with the guy that work with her in the lab.

She said it was just a hookup make out and nothing sexual happened, and she swore she exaggerated the story to her sister, but they did not have sex. She said she regretted it immediately, and left the party for her home and cried all night.

I said it was irrelevant if they had sex or not, it was the fact that she kept this hidden from me that hurts the most. She cried again, and said it was wrong of her, it was a stupid mistake she just wanted to pretend it never happened. Said she was afraid I was going to leave her for something so stupid and did not have the courage to tell me.

She swore she loved me, and never felt anything for anyone else after we got together. Then she begged for me to forgive her, again saying it was a stupid mistake of a young and naive girl who has gotten out of a bad relationship and let herself be influenced by bad friends.

I felt she was honest, and I mean it. I believe every word of her, and I feel she genuinely regrets what has happened. I said I forgive her, but I wouldn't be able to celebrate the date of our start again. So we decided to pick another date, we now celebrate our marriage anniversary, and the date we moved in together. She deflated like a balloon after we spoke, she said it was tormenting her to keep this secret.

I'm not gonna lie and say this situation did not leave a mark on our relationship, it did, things definitely shifted, but not in a "we need to end" kind of way. But talking to her really did me good, and I love her more than anything in my life. Even though it hurt me, I am now certain we will both be able to navigate this together.

EDIT: people are getting crazy over my bad English again. Apparently "hook up" means having s#$, and I didn't know that. I meant "make out".

Not everyone on here is from the USA.

The internet was deeply invested in the update.

snarky_spice wrote:

I’m almost always on the side of “you’re overreacting” when I come to these posts. I think you can work out many things instead of just divorce. That being said, I think you are being way too kind to her. You forgive her instantly, didn’t press her and just moved on? Not even a week of being angry? I also agree that she did more than make out but if you don’t care you don’t care.

UncleRumpy12 wrote:

Personally, I think she’s lying about not having s#$ with him, but as OP pointed out the more important thing is that she hid this from him. The important thing now is your wife needs to show you through her actions that she is trying to make this right and rebuild trust.

If these “friends” are still in her life, they need to immediately be cut out. I’m talking deleted and blocked. If she has remained friends with any of them throughout your marriage, it would give me pause on how sorry she said she is.

Marriage counseling and individual therapy for her are non-negotiable.

blakeandrewscala wrote:

She more than likely downplayed rather than exaggerated it to her sister and had a full fling with this guy. They worked together. What happened after they "non-s@#ually" hooked up? Did she quit the position to stay away from him? Did they continue working together? She said she "got drunk and ended hooking up with the guy that worked with her in the lab."

Well why was she out with the guy she worked with? You think there was zero buildup and zero cooldown, she just one night got drunk and ran into this guy and they didn't have s#$, even though that's what she told her sister, and she's been consumed by guilt since?

How do you really think things were with this guy before and after they hooked up, non-s#$ually of course? You went into this wanting to gobble up whatever lie she could come up with to preserve your life, and she's had years to prepare the least-damaging story she could if you were to find out.

You talked your therapist and decided the lying part was the problem, and you didn't want to talk about the cheating, so she just played up the guilt and regret and said what you wanted to hear, glossing right over the cheating with another lie. You're here thinking she's being truthful when even at best, she's telling you she just lied to her sister about it.

She's also presumably helping her sister hide her infidelity from her husband. Literally using the story of cheating on you as a "don't worry, I did it too," encouraging her sister to be dishonest about it instead of telling her husband. But f#$k him, right? Whatever man, your life, good luck.

chemicalromance562 wrote:

Women don’t just kiss a guy and go home to cry. They go home to cry after feeling guilty . I remember one my ex back in my early 20s, we were official just FWB then we became official like months later. One time after we got intimate we talked about something and she begun to randomly cry, I asked what happen she said nothing.

I said well what wrong she said nothing. Turns out, months later. I found out she was cheating. She was smashing this other dude on the side. We had like a 3 year relationship and during the last year is when she did the cheating, something like that.