'AITA for wanting to divorce my wife after she didn't tell me she gave birth?'
"AITA for wanting to divorce my wife after she didn't tell me she gave birth?"
It's stupid to think I'm at this point, but here I am. My soon to be ex-wife (28F) and I (29M) have wanted kids for years and were thrilled when she finally got pregnant last year. From day one, I wanted to be the most supportive husband and future father I could.
Her father was never involved in her life. I used to work as a tech in labor and delivery, and my brother, to put it kindly, is not the most involved father. I saw too many problems up close when it came to lacking husbands, and I would be damned before I made the same mistakes.
The problem is, roughly four weeks into her pregnancy, everything started going downhill. She stopped intimacy. Fair enough. Hormones and stress make that a problem, so I went full stop. But then she didn't want any physical interaction. No cuddling, no kissing, slowly becoming more and more distant.
Her eating constantly changed and she was terrible about it. She would demand I get her something all day, then the moment I gave it to her, she wanted something else, screaming at me. OK, again, hormonal issues, I get it, no problem.
She never let me go to any appointments, no groups she went to, spent more time away. She became cold and bitter. Constantly angry at me. This went on for months.
She slapped me a couple of times when I forgot one of her dozens of tasks she assigned me during the day. She stopped doing anything for the house a month into the pregnancy. Sure, she's pregnant, I get it, moving around is hard, but she wouldn't even do laundry about four weeks in, and by five weeks, I did everything. I'm also the primary source of income. I barely sleep. I'm running on fumes.
She made me sleep in the guest room. She would always try and pick fights. I never once raised my voice, my hand, or my tone. I sat there and constantly mentally reminded myself this isn't her and this would all be worth it. She didn't want me to make any baby decisions. No name, no work on the nursery, nothing.
One month before she delivered, she yelled how f#$%^ng useless I am and how I don't do anything, and that she's staying with her mother. She didn't let me get her anything, come check on her, and threatened to divorce me and get a restraining order if I even called her.
A couple of weeks back, I found out about the birth of my son from a Facebook post. She posted it with her mother and some family. It f$&#ing broke me. I tried to go to the hospital and visit. They had security kick me out.
After months of outright hatred, anger, and abuse thrown at me 24/7, I f#%^ing had it. Odds are I'm not even on the birth certificate. I opened a new account and all my deposits go there. I took half out of our joint account. She never bought baby stuff ahead of time; who knows what that money was going towards, so now that she has to buy supplies for our son, she's used up every cent.
I've gotten a lawyer. The house is mine, I'm the only one who spent money on it in any way. I've sent the rest of her stuff to her mother's house. I'm demanding a paternity test. I'm not spending another damn cent until I get verification it's my son.
I'm absolutely divorcing her. She chose the stay-at-home life; if she cheated, she's screwed. Her mother has money for a couple weeks' stay, not even close to enough for full-time support. If he is my son, I will absolutely be getting my rights as a father for a relationship.
Last week, my STBX called. She was practically hyperventilating. She wanted to come home. She was crying about how it was all a mistake. She's not staying with her mother. She's at a friend's house.
She wants to come home. She wants our son to have his father. I told her I don't f&%#ing believe he is my son. Why the f#*k would she pull this sh%t if he is? Show me a paternity test, and I'll do everything I can for him, and him only.
She wants to meet tomorrow at a park so I can talk to her. I said sure, so I can finally say everything I should have said months ago to her face. My parents are hoping we can make up, but they absolutely understand if I won't. My brother is a deadbeat so I don't care what he has to say, but my sister thinks I should at least hear her out.
OP responed to some comments:
Fantastic_Praline243 says:
NTA, but please meet her in a public place, preferably with security cameras. Do not meet her alone.
OP responded:
Noted. I've decided that sometime in the next 24 hours we will meet at a public park with my sister recording the conversation. My wife has agreed to this.
SubstantialYouth9106 says:
NTA! HECK NO! Do not meet her at the park tomorrow. If she wants to meet you then it can be at your lawyer's office with your representative present and a conversation recorded. If the child is yours after an immediate paternity test, make sure your name is on the certificate and that you file for equal custody and have an equal say in all decisions of the child’s life.
I would even ask to communicate via a parenting app. Save all forms of communication from her via text and email so you have a paper trail. No phone calls. I am very sorry that you had to go through this and your experience becoming a father, if the child is yours, was ruined. You realize your worth and you do not want to be with a partner like this.
Please protect yourself. I hope you have cameras around your property, a ring camera by the door, and that you claim she abandoned your space. Your parents need to be on your side and follow your lead. The relationship is not healthy anymore and now that a child is involved you should be putting the child first and not raising it in a potentially toxic environment.
OP responded:
As far as my parents, they love her and believe she had some mental break during the pregnancy. However, when they found out about the facebook post, my Dad was heartbroken and my mother was utterly livid. They want me to have a happy family, but they are also pissed at her on my behalf. They'll support whatever I decide.
Petentro says:
NTA she's f^&@$ng nuts. Sounds like she cheated and the grass wasn't actually greener on the other side so she wants to come back. Out of curiosity you just let her be a stay at home wife before you had a kid? Is that normal or common?
OP says:
To me it was normal. I made enough to support both of us. We planned on having several kids. She wanted to start a business where she worked from home. It all made sense at the time.
Here's what people had to day to OP:
NTA. Someone mentioned peripausal psychosis. She needs to talk to a doctor. But sheesh, if I found out that my baby was born on Facebook, I’d be absolutely flattened.
Yes. If she is behaving like this to her husband, is she even a safe mother for the child? OP you should document any and all you can about this. If it is your son you might need to protect him from mother who might be genuinely dangerous.
Finding out your child was born over a facebook post is unforgivable IMO. NTA