'I found out my partner viewed an apartment behind my back because he's thinking of leaving me.'
"I (M39) found out my partner (M36) viewed an apartment behind my back because he's thinking of leaving me."
Yesterday morning was a usual morning I took him his coffee in bed, gave him a cuddle, told him he looked nice before he left and he kissed me good bye. I called him later that day to see when he would be home and he didnt answer which was strange.
Something told me to check his apple tag location which is on his keys, something I never do. It said he was in an apartment block in town. I called again and he answered and said he was on the motorway, I confronted him and he said he had looked at an apartment because he's not happy and thinking of leaving me.
He came home almost crying asking to talk and said he was only considering it. I made him leave for the night. He's called and text but I've ignored it. I've no idea what I should do. I am shocked as although we have the occasional fallout (not sure when the last one was) I thought we were overall happy.whats the best way to move forward?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
smooshmagooshe wrote:
If someone is considering leaving, the best thing to do is either let them, or be curious about why to see if you can fix it. In a healthy relationship, you’re supposed to tell your partner when you’re having those thoughts seriously if you think there’s a chance things can work out. Just that things need to change. AKA give them a chance.
My husband got so mad at me for saying I’m not currently comfortable with him in the delivery room because he’d been so incredibly unsupportive and unkind during my pregnancy. Instead of going “oh wow, that bad? Let’s fix it”, all he could talk about for weeks in therapy was how awful I was for sharing that.
cronicbrain wrote:
Why you didn’t even listen why he wants to break up? Maybe he is not feeling good in the relationship even if you do the morning things mentioned. Maybe these are not his needs.
It is horrible to see an apartment behind your back, but you as a person should have listen to why a man wants to break up with you and understand how the relationship is for him. I don’t know the whole context: if he is an anxious type of person or avoidant who wanted to see the apartment alone to get some distance.
However, you need to discuss this with him just to understand, not to continue the relationship after this. Also, was it the first time you called him and receive no answering? Because if so, I found it toxic to check his location.
migrainedujour wrote:
I feel you OP. I have been - a long time ago now - in a cohabiting relationship with someone who would detach often.
That meant talking about moving out, suggesting ending the relationship during any argument, sometimes going all silent and tabling that ‘I don’t know if it’s what I want’, and for a period even moving in with a friend. The thing is, they were also happy, and even baffled by their own go-to mechanism of putting their eggs into other baskets.
But this person lacked any model for a stable or a successful relationship. They were looking for a good relationship with feelings of security, but the happier and more secure they felt, the greater their worries that it might vanish and they would be alone - so they would sort of retreat into ‘alone is the only way to be, I have always been, I’ll be fine’.
Ultimately, what they did not quite grasp was that it wasn’t just them in a vacuum. Every time they pulled the stunt, threatened splitting up, etc, it eroded another little bit of my sense of them as a trustworthy partner, someone to invest my affection, time, trust etc in.
And eventually, I felt no confidence in the relationship’s viability. I calmly ended the relationship, and told them they had undermined any sense of growing together by constantly detaching and threatening separation.
They were absolutely gutted by that - which I found surprising. Properly not understanding that actions like theirs - like your partner’s too - have an effect on others. I have to say, in my ex’s case, they spent a long time fixing themselves once they realised what their habit of continual ejector-seat dummy runs had lost them. I wonder whether your partner also exhibits any of these traits.
patatoxxo wrote:
My ex did the same and we broke up. If he wants to leave then let him if you can afford the place on your own thats fine but if you need another person to be able to pay for it and the bills your ex would essentially screw you over which is another issue.
MightySD69 wrote:
That's just a cover story he was actually seeing another man, either way dump him before he dumps you.
becooldocrime wrote:
I’d check whether there are actually apartments to rent where he was. It seems like one of those excuses that comes to mind in the moment with a built in backtrack.
The fact he is chasing you after you made him leave sadly suggests cheating.
ohnothem00ps wrote:
Why would you want to be with someone that is looking for an apartment behind your back? Life is short, stop wasting your time.