'I go to open houses and flush stuff down the toilets to test the plumbing. I'm not in the market to buy.'
"I go to open houses every weekend and flush stuff down the toilets to test the plumbing and i'm not even in the market to buy."
I need to get this off my chest because I've been doing this for 3 years and no one in my life knows. Every Saturday and Sunday I put on nice clothes and go to open houses. I act like a normal potential buyer. I nod at the kitchen. I say things like "oh great natural light" and "is this the original hardwood?" and the realtors eat it up. But I'm not there for the house. I'm there for the toilets.
At some point during every visit I excuse myself to check the bathroom and then I flush stuff. It started small like a big wad of toilet paper then I got curious. Now I bring things with me. Golf balls, a small bar of soap, a whole tangerine once. one time I flushed an entire stick of butter just to see (it went down smooth actually vv impressive).
I have a spreadsheet: 200+ toilets tested. I track the address, toilet brand if I can tell, what I flushed, how it handled it (scale of 1-10), and notes. Some toilets are warriors. Some are weak. The data is fascinating honestly
Anyway here's what I've learned:
GOD TIER (9-10):
Toto Drake - this thing is a beast. flushed a tangerine no hesitation. I've never seen one clog. if you're buying a house with a toto you're set for life.
Kohler Highline - ate a golf ball like it was nothing. strong flush, no drama. The Honda Civic of toilets. Reliable AF.
American Standard Champion 4 - they claim it can flush a bucket of golf balls and honestly I believe it. Tested 11 of these. No failures.
SOLID (7-8):
Kohler Cimarron - handles most things but hesitates on bulk. I wouldn't trust it with anything adventurous but fine for normal use.
Delta Foundations - surprisingly strong for a budget toilet. flushed a bar of soap clean. respect.
Gerber Viper - underrated. found these in older homes. they fight for their life but they get it done.
MID (5-6):
Glacier Bay (Home Depot brand) - you get what you pay for. fine for toilet paper. anything else is a gamble.
Briggs - clogged on a large wad of TP. embarrassing. wouldn't trust it
Penguin brand - the name should tell you everything. weak flush. no confidence
AVOID (1-4):
Mansfield - I've tested 8 of these. 5 clogged. the worst toilet i've encountered. if you're touring a house and see a mansfield, walk out.
Eljer - clogged on soap. SOAP. How does that even happen?
Random off-brand contractor toilets - if you can't identify the brand it's probably because they're hiding it from you. Red flag.
I'm not even looking to buy. I rent a studio. I just like knowing. like if I ever DO buy I'll know which neighborhoods have good water pressure. That feels valuable to me
One time i went to this one house in the nice part of town. $1.2 million listing. Beautiful place. I was confident. too confident maybe. I brought a russet potato because I wanted to see what a luxury toilet could handle. I'm in the master bath. huge toilet. looked expensive. I drop the potato and flush. It doesn't go down. I flush again. Water starts rising. I'm watching my life flash before my eyes.
I hear the realtor say "sir is everything okay in there?" and I panicked and said "yeah just washing my hands very thoroughly. C0vid habits haha" while I'm watching this potato spin in rising water
I did the only thing i could think of.
I rolled up my sleeve. I reached in. I grabbed the potato. I shoved it in my jacket pocket. A wet warm potato in my pocket. Flushed again. Water went down. Walked out with the most normal face I could manage. Shook the realtor's hand with my non-potato hand. Said "beautiful home, i'll be in touch" and walked straight to my car. I sat there for 10 minutes just staring at the steering wheel.
I threw the jacket away. couldn't look at it anymore. That was my lowest point. I took a two week break after that. Anyway the toilet was a Duravit. Going in my "AVOID" tier. $1.2 million house and the toilet can't handle a russet potato. Embarrassing. My friends think I go hiking on weekends. I don't correct them. This is my hiking.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
phigene wrote:
Do you take requests? I'd pay 5 bucks to see you do a large underripe plantain. If it doesn't go on the first flush you're allowed to cut it with a poop knife, but only once.
OP responded:
Make it 100 bucks 💸💸 And deal’s a deal.
wrenchandrepeat wrote:
Do you take a bucket of golf balls like in the infomercials? Or do you hold in massive deuces and make yourself constipated? Because I've found that a big, solid constipation turd is the true test of how good a toilet is. If it can keep one of those from getting jammed in the bend, thats a toilet worth buying.
satanik-freak wrote:
On the rare chance that this isn’t a writing exercise—W.T.F.
As someone who is also neurodivergent I have to say that sir, I feel you might have a touch of toilet autism. I am genuinely glad that someone’s doing the research and enjoying it. Happy flushing to you sir!🚽
justanynameisfine wrote:
Title should read “I’m a terrible and antisocial person. I try to ruin people’s lives because I don’t know how to live mine.” If this is true, you’re a loser. If this isn’t true, you’re a loser. Either way you need to get out and meet people.
Ring-a-ding-ding123 wrote:
This is pretty funny, but I don’t like that you’re potentially ruining someone’s toilet. I mean you said some are just naturally shitty so fair enough, but particularly for the better ones you might cause plumbing problems that’ll happen later on. Plus it doesn’t sound like you were actually interested in the house? Still funny obviously lmao. But bruh a potato? What did you think was gonna happen?! 😭
Lunavixen15 wrote:
FFS, stop flushing random crap, it causes blockages and damage to the pipes and costs the councils money to clean up if it makes it to the sewer system. The only things that should go down toilet pipes are human waste and toilet paper.
Google a fatberg, seriously.
banned_reddit_mod wrote:
This is absolutely what the internet was for. Please for the love of god share this with the world.
squirrelnormal wrote:
This is hilarious, 10/10.