'AITA for ending my marriage because I don't want my kids to live with my wife's kids?'
"AITA for ending my marriage because I didn't want to force my kids to live with my wife's oldest daughter again?"
Ludleumi writes:
My wife and I (both in our 30s) are parents to five kids between us. I have two children (15 and 13) with my late wife, and my wife has three, one 16-year-old daughter with her ex-boyfriend, and two more kids (10 and 7) with her late husband. We've been married for four years, and we were together for two years before that.
When we met, she shared custody of her oldest daughter with her ex. After we had been married for a little while, some issues started to come up. Family members suspected her daughter was stealing from them during visits and mentioned she had an attitude. Then I noticed money had gone missing a couple of times, though we never had proof of who took it.
Around the same time, my wife's ex would mention things their daughter had bought, praising her for being such a good saver, something we never saw on our end. She was the kind of person who spent money as soon as she got it, unless someone stepped in to stop her. Her dad, from what I could tell, was not someone who would do that.
Eventually, she became more blatant about disrespect and stealing. A little over a year after we got married, her dad petitioned the courts to move out of state for work and take her with him. My wife fought it, but her daughter wanted to go, and the judge considered that when making the decision. Her ex was granted permission to move, but he was ordered to pay for every visit their daughter had with us.
During those visits, the stealing got worse. She would wait until she was leaving and take small things that wouldn’t be noticed right away. One time it was my 15-year-old's Nintendo Switch, or at least parts from it. She had mentioned that her own Switch at her dad’s house was broken. Other things went missing after she left as well.
My wife replaced the stolen items, but after the incident with the Switch, I told her we needed to figure something out. I didn’t want my kids to keep going through this. I told her my priority had to be my children.
While we were still discussing everything, her daughter asked if she could come live with us permanently during her summer visit. My wife immediately said yes, and her daughter was excited. I was not.
My wife said we could address the problem now and fix it. Other family members said it wouldn’t be that easy since there had been suspicions since she was seven and things had only gotten worse. I agreed with them. Still, I told my wife I understood she had a responsibility to her daughter, just like I had one to my kids. She said we would figure it out and it wouldn’t be so bad.
I told her I didn’t believe that and said I would move out with my children. She asked me to talk to them first and see how they felt, but we both already knew what they thought. My son had said after the Switch incident that he never wanted to see her again.
My wife told me we needed to work this out because her younger two couldn’t lose me too. I said I felt terrible about that, but I wasn’t going to make my kids live with her older daughter. She said I had the same duty to all five kids and that if I had such a problem with her daughter’s behavior, I should stay and help fix it instead of running away.
I told her I wasn’t willing to lose my kids over her daughter and that I would stay involved in the lives of the younger two if they wanted that and if she allowed it, but it was clear we couldn’t make this work. My kids were so relieved when we moved out, and I knew then that I had made the right choice. They admitted they expected her to steal a bunch of stuff from them if we stayed.
I filed for divorce a couple of weeks after we moved out. My wife has tried and failed to get me to come back. Her oldest daughter lives with her now. She says we never really tried to work things out. I told her there was nothing to work out because I had made my boundaries clear from the start.
She says the youngest two are suffering the most because both of their fathers chose to leave, and now she has to explain to them that their second dad chose his biological children over them. She’s tried several times to convince me to call off the divorce and try again as a family, but I refuse. Does that make me the a%^#ole?
Here are some of the comments from the post.
Icy-Foundation-2333 says:
NTA she's trying to guilt trip you for being a good dad to your children when she failed as a mother ... Take care of your children they are lucky to have you!
OP responded:
The guilt trip bothered me. I love the kids but they have her. My kids only have me and I could not sacrifice them to be there for my step kids.
cgrobin1 says:
Your ex wife chose a thief over the security of your children. She had years to address the stealing problem, but insisted on burying her head in the sand. Now she is living with the consequences of her choice. I am betting her children are now the ones being stolen from. I hope your children now feel safe in their new home. NTA.
OP responded:
My kids are enjoying our new place. They don't even mind a smaller house because it's just us so that alone says so much. I hate that they were ever stolen from in the first place.