'I had to protect his niece from a pitbull and my husband ran off. AITA for not forgiving him?' UPDATED

"I (F30) had to protect his niece from a pitbull and my husband (M31) ran off. I have been ignoring him. Is this something that I should be forgiving him for? AITA?"

I’m going to start with this…I’m still a bit traumatized. And I will be finding someone to talk to. Don’t know if the pitbull made it. I haven’t asked. My husband, and his niece and nephew and I were in our back yard. I am going to assume out gate was open I can’t remember. It (the pitbull) came out of no where and latched onto his niece (5f).

His niece screamed. I turned, kicked it with all the force I could manage. I was lucky enough to hit it in the jaw somewhere that made its jaw dislodge. My husband, who had been a few feet away, shouted. Something along the lines of ‘who’s dog this!?’ I told him to get our bear spray from the house, I was in a panic. I am an animal lover, but it was so insane—the pitbull seemed almost rabid.

I don’t think it was in hindsight. It wasn’t foaming at the mouth it was just…crazed. My husband ran. But not towards the house. He literally ran out the fence gate…and shut it behind him. not towards his niece or ‘nephew." WHO WAS ALSO PRESENT in a outdoor bassinet that I managed to all but toss onto the picnic table to make sure it was out of the dog's reach—while holding his niece over my shoulder.

I put her on the bbq to keep her out of reach, but the dog was literally jumping and snapping, and I was worried that if I tried to carry her (I’m short) it would managed to grab her out of my hands. It chased me when I ran for the shove but then I swung at it…and I swung until it stopped.

I don’t think I will ever forget the sound or feeling. It was so high stress, I didn’t even realize that it had bit me twice. I haven’t spoken to him for a full week, even though we live in the same house, I didn’t ask where he went, he only came back a few minutes later to pack us into the car and drive us to the hospital.

He’s getting angry that I’m ‘giving him the silent treatment’…but I feel like it’s his fault that I had to possibly end that animal. If he had gotten the bear spray (I literally keep it in my purse for if I am ever att**ked by and animal or otherwise) then I don’t think I would have needed to do what I did. It was literally just inside the door, he knows where I keep it. Instead he literally took off to god knows where.

Me and two children (that I’m not even related to could have been injured or worse). It might not even be relevant, but I don’t even like kids. I am staunchly childfree and he is the one that offered us up to babysit for the weekend. I don’t know, is this grounds for divorce? I’m not sure I can even look at him. Any attraction I had to him is pretty much gone.

He tried to touch me yesterday, just to move me so he could pass, and I smacked his hand away without even thinking about it like he was some stranger at a bar, because it was literally jarring. He’s just been skulking around trying to talk to me then getting frustrated, then skulking more.

I wasn’t expecting him to be macho and fist fight the freaking dog but at least follow instructions? At least not leave me in a life and death situation with a toddler and an infant? Should I be able to chalk this up to in the moment panic? I don’t even know if I want to hear him out. AITA?

The internet kept it real.

pamelaonthego wrote:

If it makes you feel better that dog would have been considered dangerous and put down either way. You defended yourself and the children from an unprovoked attack. You were so courageous and saved the kids’ lives. Be proud of yourself. NTA.

OP responded:

I know that consciously I think, but thank you for saying that because I just feel so terrible.

brainsadmirer wrote:

My ex used to be extremely jealous…all in the name of “protecting” me. Against what, exactly? Then, just as in this post, a large dog attacked me on the sidewalk for no reason. Just like yours, my ex ran away to save himself. Didn’t even look back. I didn’t look back either when I left him some months later.

Tails_Travels_Tacos wrote:

He ran away and SHUT THE GATE BEHIND HIM (!!!). He literally locked an extremely dangerous animal in the backyard with his wife and 2 small children. That is unforgivable to put it mildly...I would never trust him again.

Way to go for saving those kids and yourself! You're a literal hero! Please don't beat yourself up about the dog's fate, it was self-defense. That dog really needed to be euthanized since it was mentally unstable enough to att-ck multiple people without provocation.

yawaworthemm wrote:

He left you and two children to die and he’s whining at you’re not being nice? Good lord.

How did the children’s parents respond to this terrifying story?

OscillatingFox wrote:

IDK about all the people telling you to get therapy and get over it. You were in danger, two kids were in danger, and your husband didn't just run away, he shut you into the yard with a savage dog to save himself. I'm not sure how you're supposed to trust him again in any part of your life. I'm not sure how you're supposed to find him attractive. NTA.

I'm not sure how you'd happily share finances with a man who has demonstrated in practice how he'll push you under a bus in an emergency. Maybe that's not a fair assessment. But I'd find it hard to ever look at him again without hearing the click of the gate as he shut it behind himself and left his wife, a 5yo, and a baby.

MoulanRougeFae wrote:

This will probably be down voted to oblivion but personally I'd never trust someone who ran away like that ever again with my safety. He's proven to be unreliable. That situation could have went so much worse. He could have at least got the bear spray instead of literally securing you and two children in WITH the danger.

You have to decide if you can stomach the realization your partner does NOT care about your safety in dangerous situations and will leave you behind. I certainly couldn't stay with someone who did that. The shutting the gate would be the nail in the coffin to that relationship. NTA.

[deleted] wrote:

Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—everyone reacts to differently to threat/stress. In the middle of a crisis, some people panic and cannot follow instruction or even hear instruction. They’re just in flight or freeze. These reactions aren’t really something we can control. I mean—you don’t even like kids and your instinct was to protect and fight. I’d talk to him about it. NAH.

OP responded:

I’m trying to. I keep telling myself to try and then I see him and I remember him freaking running. I don’t know if i want to be with someone who’s reaction is flight at all…even if I comes naturally

trishsf wrote:

I’m stunned. What reason did he give for putting his safety above two children and his wife’s? I cannot fathom that. Were you thinking of having children? Because… really not good. I get why you have lost attraction.

It’s not so much that you may have had to put down the dog but that he left you and his niece and baby nephew in a situation where any of you could have actually passed away. I couldn’t get past that. I’m a 60 year old woman and would sacrifice myself for any child.

OP responded:

I’m child-free. But the thought of him leaving me in a dangerous situation is a big issue. Also, the dog is a massive part of it. I’m not sure I can forgive him for what I had to do to that dog because he couldn’t even get me the bear spray.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

I didn’t expect this to get this many comments and kindnesses. And I want to say I’m so sorry to everyone that has experienced anything similar, because, my god, it has not been easy. For everyone worried about my mental health, I did get in through an app with my work yesterday, because I decided I really needed it, and labeled it high priority.

However it felt like it was just a parliamentary meeting, and she said she wanted to get me to feeling a bit more comfortable, because I was visibly tensing up whenever I started talking about it, and she even noticed it through the video chat. Last night, also I told me husband I needed space. I apologize that I don’t have more of an update on our relationship than that.

I wasn’t as nice as I wanted to be—he argued and didn’t want to leave (it’s my house), but I told him I just didn’t want to look at him, that I couldn’t look at him. He cried and I hate that I felt apathetic towards it. I haven’t slept well so I’m not sure I’m also just over tired and still so shaken though, I was also emotionally exhausted after the appointment so that might have added to it.

I got a few questions about his sister and her husband, so I thought I’d answer. They aren’t speaking with him. I don’t know when it happened I was definitely out of it at the hospital while I was getting the stitches and everything, but I do think after I was done blubbering and trying to explain how something so terrible happened to there little girl under our watch they apparently ask him where he was.

I still haven’t talked to him about where he went, so I don’t know. however it clearly didn’t satisfy them. His niece just got out of the hospital yesterday, so that really triggered everything and a lot happened. I had sent flowers, and a bear, and this one toy-thing she’d been asking about.

I didn’t go to he hospital though, I was scared seeing me would make her nervous. But his sister and her husband sent me flowers too, and it made me bawl again. I’m just a freaking mess, honestly. The father sent me a long message that I haven’t been able to get through but it’s the sweetest things anyone's ever sent to me…he also sent me a 1k visa card.

I literally thought I was reading the amount wrong. They are good people and I still feel terrible i couldn’t have done more for her. Everything’s just replaying in my head. Anyway. I obviously haven’t looked into filing yet, but I am not against the idea of it, and it really did help me feel better about wanting a divorce over this.

I know fight or flight can’t be helped, but now I think I realized that it’s okay not to want to be which someone who would leave you behind. I think I can say I’m a fighter. And I want a fighter with me. Maybe he’d be better off with a runner instead too. Then he at least wouldn’t be leaving someone behind. I don’t know…it feels like I’m done. But I’m also just a mess, so right now I’m just glad I have space.

Thank you for everyone making me feel like I wasn’t being ridiculous, though, I think it always feels like it should be multiple issues that tear a marriage apart, (unless it’s infidelity or something) and it’s like i know he may not have meant to betray me…but he still did. Whatever his reasoning. Not sure when I’ll be speaking to him, but I will try to update then.

The comments kept coming in.

Creepy_Push8629 wrote:

I know you feel guilty she got hurt, but please realize the rest of us, including her parents, KNOW she could've easily died without you. You are a goddamn real life superhero. You risked your life and were seriously injured to save her. You should be proud bc the rest of us think you're amazing.

I honestly don't know what I would say to your husband right now. I like to think people deserve a chance to redeem themselves, but I just don't know how you do that at this point. I wouldn't want to have kids with him or even pets or myself really when I can't trust him to even do the bare minimum.

Honestly, I don't even think marriage counseling would work. Bc like when anyone asks why you got divorced and you say "we were attacked and he ran off and closed the gate while I fought for my life and saved his niece and nephew from certain death" there is literally nothing anyone could ever say to make it ok.

He could've at least taken the freaking baby in the carrier. But he just left him to get killed in one bite, which he would've easily.

Henicorina wrote:

I feel like it hasn’t quite sunk in for you yet that you saved your niece’s life.

If she had been alone with your husband when the dog attacked, she would be dead right now, and for all we know the baby would be dead as well.

Aviouse96 wrote:

OP, I am so sorry this has happened to you. My response to danger is fight, I think yours is too.

What you need to know, though, is your initial kick to the dog that got it off your niece was your fight response. Everything else was all you.

Demanding the bear spray is a logical thought that you don't experience during a fright response.

Getting nephew to higher ground was not a fright response.

Getting niece out of danger was not a fright response.

Protecting yourself and the children by attacking the dog was most likely adrenaline, but also not a fright response.

You protected those babies and yourself to the best of your ability. Your husband had ample time to return if his fright response is flight, but he didn't.

He 100% abandoned you and his niblings in a potentially fatal situation. You need time to process this traumatic event. The apathy you're feeling is normal after a trauma. I'm happy you're in therapy and I hope you are able to overcome this. I'm so happy you were there to save the babies. I would never know how to repay you as a parent.

TitaniaT-Rex wrote:

I’m so sorry you went through such a horrible experience. It sounds like the parents are thankful you protected their children at risk of your own safety. I know I’d never be able to repay you if they were my kids you protected.

I’m glad you have gotten the therapy ball rolling. I wish you (and your niece) a speedy recovery. That little girl is always going to know how you saved her and I’m sure you’ll always be her aunt, regardless of whether you stay in your marriage or not. I’m so proud of you.

ETA: so many upvotes! This situation really hit home for me because we were in a life threatening situation and grown adults practically trampled my 50 pound daughter. She only lost a toenail, but she’s still not comfortable talking about the incident. We were running from gunshots.

My daughter (maybe 10 then) got separated from my son (8-ish) and me. I shoved him further into the store where we were seeking shelter and fought against the tide of people to get back to her. It was awful.

I was and still am frustrated that so many grown adults were fine with pushing a child aside to get themselves to safety, but I do understand that it wasn’t their responsibility. I would have grabbed the kid and gotten them inside the store. However, I would be incandescent with rage if a friend or relative acted the way OP’s husband did.

OP responded:

They’re good people, his message was really soothing to read, cuz I still feel guilty about how badly hurt so was from that initial bite…but she’s home now. And I’m glad. I don’t know about how it works with children and therapy because she’s so young, but I hope they get her some.

Purple_Bowling_Shoes wrote:

This really sucks, but I think I'd feel the same.

It's true that no one really knows how they'd act in a situation like that, but that's an immediate reaction and can be corrected.

One 4th of July when my nieces were young someone set off some mortar fireworks but didn't have them in a safe place to do so. All the sudden fireworks were shooting all over the place, some almost directly at us. I've never lived this down, but one was coming straight for me and in less than a second I was hiding in the garage behind a van, leaving my nieces behind.

But I immediately realized what I had done and ran back out to carry them into the house. From me running to getting them in the house was about 10 seconds. And while everyone still (rightfully) teases me about it, it wasn't a conscious decision but I still am so ashamed that that was my reaction.

Which is to say, when I started reading your story I thought he reacted badly at first, but that's not what happened. I know time warps in situations like the one you experienced but there is absolutely no reason for him to have been gone long enough for that much damage to happen. I wouldn't be able to look at him the same way again either. My best wishes for your physical and emotional recovery. ❤️

OP responded:

I think in your situation where there wasn’t a direct threat…scattering makes more sense? Like if there wasn’t something exploding, ‘get away’ makes more sense to me. I’m sorry this haunts you though, even though you went back for them. I wasn’t there, but it doesn’t feel like the same to me. Maybe it’s because I’m raw and bias, and I still need the time to process my own situation.

Fast_Mark wrote:

I could never look at my husband the same way, so I empathize with you. Hope you and the kiddo heal quickly! 💚

OP responded:

I think it all feels a bit better now that she’s out of the hospital honestly. I know that her injuries weren’t life threatening, but everything still felt tense. I feel like I I’m a bit clearer now. And thank you.