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'I had a revenge hookup with the fiancé of the girl my ex cheated on me with. Now I'm pregnant.' UPDATED 2X

'I had a revenge hookup with the fiancé of the girl my ex cheated on me with. Now I'm pregnant.' UPDATED 2X

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Life can get real messy, real fast.

"I (26f) just found out I’m pregnant after having a revenge hookup with the fiancé (35m) of the girl (30f) who my ex boyfriend(32m) cheated on me with for 2 years."

I (26f) just found out I’m pregnant after having a revenge hookup with the fiancé (35m) of the girl (30f) who my ex boyfriend(32m) cheated on me with for 2 years. My ex and I met when I was 20 but were only friends until we started dating 2 1/2 years ago. I found out last year that my ex had been cheating on me for basically our whole relationship with a girl he met through a mutual friend.

I broke things off after I found out and told the girl’s fiancé about their affair. He ended up breaking off their engagement after he found out. She seemed nonchalant about it until she realized that my ex’s money wasn’t actually his.

(My grandma left me a lot after she passed back in 2019 and my ex had been flaunting around the things I’d gifted him throughout our relationship to her, even going as far as to claim that the house and antique car my grandpa left for me in his will were my ex’s).

It’s not something I’m proud of now that I think back to it, but I did allow my ex to walk all over me for the first month or two after I broke things off because I missed him so much. I gave him money and tried to make things work but would always get reprimanded by my parents and friends when I’d run to them crying after he ghosted me for her.

I didn’t officially give him up until the girl’s ex-fiancé messaged me and told me that she was rubbing it in some of their old friends’ faces about how pathetic I was and how desperate I was for my ex who didn’t even give an f about me. I was really upset and asked him if he’d be willing to meet up with me because I knew that if I talked to my parents or friends about this, then they’d just lecture me even more.

He agreed and the two of us met up at a random food cart place, we ended up spending most of the day just exploring and talking about how we were doing. He’d also confided in me about his relationship with his ex, they’d known each other for 10 years and they’d liked each other for most of the time they were friends but he wasn’t looking for a relationship because he was focusing on school.

He had decided to give them a chance after she’d driven 12+hrs overnight to him because they’d talked on the phone and he said he was feeling under the weather and was stressed from how vigorous his residency schedule was.

She’d dropped everything to take care of him, help clean his place, and made him some home cooked meals after finding out that he was surviving off of vending machine snacks and instant coffee. He told me in detail about how he’d never felt so loved and cared for, how after she’d done that for him, he’d decided that she was the one; that if this wasn’t love, then love wasn’t real.

Finding out that she was cheating for the last two years made everything click into place, she’d been pushing off getting married, telling all her friends that she was having doubts about him. He’d been trying to convince her into going to couple’s counseling when I broke the news to him that she was sleeping with my ex.

I felt like a monster, hearing their love story and then realizing that they didn’t get their happy ending because of my ex and I messed with my head. We continued to talk from time to time, checking in on each other and meeting up for quick bite every now and then, we lost contact after the girl my ex cheated on me with somehow convinced him to take her back.

I became slightly depressed after he cut me off, explaining to me that he was still in love with her and wanted to work things out, which meant a clean slate. I found out through some internet snooping that my ex cheated on her too, which was why she went back to her ex fiancé.

A few months passed and things went back to semi-normal, I started getting therapy and was about ready to put myself back out there to try out the dating pool again when around new years I got a call from the guy, he was crying and asking if I was available to talk, I of course said yes and out of concern met up with him at his place.

He broke down to me and told me about how he’d found her and my ex in his mom’s guest bedroom during Christmas when she’d snuck him in for a quickie during his family’s busy holiday party, all hell broke loose when he’d found them in the guest bedroom after spending 20mins looking for her everywhere.

We drank a bit and ended up having s*x, he apologized and told me that it was a mistake and he wasn’t in his right mind, that he just wanted revenge s*x but it didn’t make him feel any better after. I tried to message him platonically a few times after to see if he was alright but he blocked me, so I dropped it and went on with my therapy and life.

I went in last week to check with my doctor since I’d been getting bad cramps and to get a new prescription refill for my birth control that I use to help with my PCOS, I had to do a usual test to double check for the possibility if I was pregnant and was very surprised when it came back positive.

I have been sitting on this new knowledge and have been contemplating on if I should tell him, not tell him, or if I should even keep the pregnancy.

My doctor did inform that since I am still in the earlier stages I am still at a big risk of having a miscarriage, so I don’t know if I should even be worrying at all about all of this since there is a chance that I could lose it.

Then it’d just seem like I was trying to grab at his attention or something, especially after he’d made it clear to me that he wasn’t comfortable talking to me anymore after we slept together. I haven’t told anyone and have been going crazy because I don’t know what to do.

The internet was deeply opinionated on the matter.

pnkflyd99 wrote:

I think if you decide you want to keep this baby if it even happens, he needs to know, but if not then get an abortion and no need to tell him. You should just distance yourself from both of these men and find someone who’s not a POS.

LostArm7817 wrote:

God you’re all idiots. Also that’s not what revenge s*x is.

Potential_Ad_1397 wrote:

He does deserve to know But s**t man, you and him need some self Worth. Once a cheater always a cheater. Stop wasting time on a man who treated you so cruelly. You deserve better and I hope you are in therapy to deal with this self hate that you have. If you keep the baby, just think of what you would tell them in this situation. Poor your ex out of your mind.

Extra-Hand3705 wrote:

The end of 35m and 30f is not your fault. She was cheating on him and sounds like he knew the relationship was not going well prior to you telling him. Ex BF seems like he’s got his own issues to sort out. Preferably on his own far away from you. This is obviously an unexpected pregnancy and it’s normal that you don’t know what you wanna do. Depends on where you live but you have some time to think about it.

Life-yogurtcloset98 wrote:

Cut that walking tampon out of your life...

"realizing that they didn’t get their happy ending because of my ex"

No no.... it was because HIS fiancé

"He broke down to me and told me about how he’d found her and my ex in his mom’s guest bedroom."

HIS MOTHER'S GUEST ROOM...he is allowing him and HIS FAMILY to be disrespected by this woman.

He is weak, spineless, insufferable, and pathetic. Once you lose your sympathy you'll realize you have no other feelings for this guy. Keeping that guy in your life will be a terrible idea.

Do you want to be a parent? Personally I think an ab**tion is your choice alone and I don’t think you need to tell him if you don’t want to. If you choose to continue the pregnancy then I think it’s appropriate to try to let him know. I guess texting and hoping he unblocks you? Lol not sure if you have any other ways of contact.

TamTams_groupthink wrote:

What do you do? You have an ab*rtion, you delete all these people’s numbers, get some therapy and move on with your life. One day you’ll have a healthy relationship with a man who behaves like an adult. You’ll be in a better space with better boundaries and maturity but that time is not now.

This type of drama is not healthy or normal. I don’t know if you think it is but it isn’t.

Do not bring a child into this mess. Leave all of this in your rear view and move on.

ETA: And no, you don’t have to tell him if you are going to have an ab*rtion. He gets no say in what you do with your own body and doesn’t need to be involved at all. If you choose to continue the pregnancy (I strongly suggest you do not), then you should tell him.

Over a year later, OP shared an update.

A lot has happened since my original post. I know a lot of people were against this, but I went through with the pregnancy and I am forever thankful for my beautiful baby. I had originally planned to get an ab*rtion, but I found myself unable to go through with the appointment.

(I am pro-choice and always will be. Just because I chose to keep my baby doesn’t mean another woman/girl should be forced to keep a pregnancy they do not wish to continue. Everyone has a right to their own bodies.) My parents were very upset with me and my whole family disowned me.

I listened to what some of you said about letting the father know (will be referring to him as ‘Dave’), after many failed attempts to reach out to him I decided to go in person. Dave was not happy when I showed up at his place but when I told him why, he agreed to talk with me.

Dave let me know that he’d officially ended things with his ex and wanted to go no-contact with me because I was another tie to his past with her, but he was willing to try and figure out a co-parenting plan with me if I agreed to a paternity test first. I of course felt a bit bad about the paternity test part but agreed to it since we both had only been acquaintances that bonded over our trauma.

Everything was honestly easy cruising until I started to spot around the 26 week mark, my OBGYN explained that while spotting is normal while pregnant, mine was heavier and my blood sugar/blood pressure also both worried them because of gestational diabetes and preeclampsia risk.

After a few nights of Dave insisting on sleeping on my couch, I had him help me move some of my things to his place since he lived closer to the hospital. I am very thankful I decided to semi-move in with him when I did bc I went into premature labor at 32 weeks.

I am very thankful to have had Dave and his family as my support system; his mom would come and switch out with him at the hospital and advocated for me whenever I felt washed out or unheard, she helped me both emotionally and physically and stood by me.

Dave’s mom also helped me work through my emotions when all I wanted was my mom (she and my dad had gone no contact with me after I decided to keep and have my baby).

Dave’s mom was an absolute godsend also because she’s a retired nurse (she started in OB, went to NICU and eventually later settled into lactation before retiring) and explained things to me when we found out that my baby had respiratory problems and had SUA (single umbilical artery) and that it could’ve been a factor into why I went into premature labor.

She stayed with Dave and I so she could help me with pumping since I wasn’t able to produce milk and encouraged me when I felt like such a failure for not being able to take care of my son when he needed me most, she drove me to and from the hospital while my son was in the NICU because I was healing and so mentally/physically exhausted.

I really and truly believe that I didn’t fall into deep postpartum depression because she held me and helped me with each step and was always so patient with me, even when I wasn’t with myself. Dave’s mom would constantly remind me that nothing was our fault and no one did anything wrong, it just that everyone is faced with hardships in life and this was one we’d work together to get through.

My son graduated from the NICU and came home a month after I did, Dave’s mom visited us often and helped with him since Dave and I are first time parents. Dave’s dad joked that he felt like she and I had the baby together and he and Dave were both just background characters that make guest star appearances every now and then since Dave was working so much in order to build more PTO.

His mom wouldn’t bring his dad along when she’d come visit since she didn’t want him to disturb me and the baby with his loudness (Dave’s dad is hard of hearing and can sometimes be unaware of his volume so he took no offense to it). Dave’s siblings and family members posted a lot about our son because he was the first grandchild and first baby in a long time.

Dave’s youngest cousin is 17 (turning 18 this year). Somehow someone must’ve shared a photo or something, but pictures of us reached my family and my parents demanded I let them meet my son. Dave was supportive of whatever I chose to do and said he’d agree to them meeting him if that’s what I wanted.

After thinking about it for a few days I decided that I wanted to talk to my parents before I let them meet my son; when we met up to talk, my parents were offended that I didn’t bring my son with us and left him with Dave’s parents.

They said some really hurtful things and then my dad started to question on when Dave was going to ask him for permission for us to get married since we didn’t already have a shotg*n wedding while I was pregnant. I was okay with them insulting me since I’d grown up with it and was used to it.

But once my parents put their target on Dave and his family I became upset and decided it was time for us to leave. My parents did try to petition for legal visitation rights (honestly, before this whole ordeal.

I did not even know that grandparents rights existed), but were denied because my son is still very young and because both Dave and I are very much on good terms, are living in the same household, and they couldn’t find or prove that there was any danger to our son’s wellbeing.

My family did try to reach out to us and claim that we were horrible people for denying my parents their grandchild, but no one ever seemed to be able to make a peep when Dave’s family would defend us and point out that my family had been the one to disown me and that no one cared to see if I was okay until after I had the baby and everything was handled.

Dave’s mom and my mom got in a verbal (almost physical) altercation after my mom had made false reports to CPS and called the police to do multiple welfare checks on us.

My mom was given a warning by the p*lice for har**sing us after one specific incident where she threw a tantrum and caused a scene when the p*lice found nothing wrong in the welfare check and refused to listen to her demands to have my son temporarily taken away from us and put in her custody ‘for his safety’.

Dave and I currently have r*straining orders pending against my parents and some family members. One of the reasons I decided to update is because about two months ago a friend of Dave’s asked him out to have some drinks and they ran into his ex-fiance who later messaged him to tell him that she regretted the way they ended and how she was very hurt when she heard that we had a baby together.

Especially, with it being so soon after their relationship. Dave wouldn’t talk to me about how he felt, and when I asked him he just brushed me off or switched the conversation onto a topic about our son that he knew would distract me.

I noticed Dave pulling away from me and how our relationship became a bit awkward and strained after their run in and her message because I know he still has feelings for her and I am afraid that he might feel trapped with me and our son. I also noticed that the drama with my family has made Dave and his family less patient with me and my son.

During Mother’s Day I overheard a few of his family members make comments to Dave about me being at their family barbecue since ‘I was just my son’s mom’ and ‘not really’ part of the family, Dave just shrugged and said I didn’t have anyone else to spend the day with. With how tense things have been, I have been thinking about moving out and back into my place.

I stayed with Dave at his place after I gave birth, but now that our son is slightly older and I am healed, I want to give Dave back some space so that he can start dating again if he wants to and to give him back some more ‘bachelor’ time when I have our son.

I want to find a way to approach me moving out and us making a co-parenting plan without making making things more awkward or possibly ruining the relationship I have with Dave and his parents.

I don’t want them to feel like I’m not grateful or anything, but I do want to go back to work and get my life back on track so that I can provide my portion of needs for my son and not want to depend on his family for more than appropriate.

The comments quickly came flowing in.

Candid-Quail-9927 wrote:

Be honest and tell him exactly what you said here that it’s time for you to start to get your life back on track and also give him back his life. That you will always be coparents and how special and important his parents are to you and your son. Tell him that you want a health relationship with him as your sons father and wish him the best same as he would for you. Just be honest as you find your new normal.

Dear_Parsnip_6802 wrote:

I think he will most likely appreciate you moving out and things getting back to a co-parenting situation. I don't think he will take offencs or feel you are ungrateful. At the end of the day you are doing it to benefit him and his family. Your son is lucky to have 2 parents who love him and who have a mutually respectful relationship.

Fickle_Gold5921 wrote:

Start planning financial and Logistics, baby care etc. once you're ready just talk to him that you want to move out. Have suggestions on custody or visits in mind before you talk to him. Thank him for their help and move out.

Alert_Bid1531 wrote:

Do you have a house already? Just sit him down and say you would think it’s best to go home now tell him what you said here and work out a co-parent plan. You’re not doing anything wrong I’m sure his parents will still visit you have an open door policy for them.

You're not leaving for bad reasons your leaving because you want to give him space and maybe he will get back with his ex (I have no clue why he would ) and that’s going to be a bit strange you all living together.

IAmTheNewGuy responded:

She inherited a house and money from her grandparents (from previous post). I think it's a smart move to start over and gain some self worth. She's been burned by everyone in her life except her grandparents.

Four days later, OP shared another update.

I’ve been trying my best to not check my phone since I’m honestly a little overwhelmed right now. I will let you all know that I did talk to Dave and he was against me moving out, he also wasn’t willing to talk about the situation and how he’s been acting after running into his ex and said I was bringing up something that didn’t matter since we were talking about me wanting to move out.

I haven’t said anything about what I heard during Mother’s Day and I don’t think I’m going to mention it since I feel really bad that it was meant to be a private conversation so I don’t think anyone meant anything bad. During our conversation Dave let me know that maybe I’m just overthinking or overreacting and that I shouldn’t make big decisions like moving out.

He also talked about how because our son is a preemie he’d prefer if one of us was a stay at home parent until he turned 2-3yrs old so he could catch up with his peers and then once he started pre-k then we could go back to work again. But I feel like he’s been trying to avoid me since the conversation but I could also me overthinking like he said.

But after reading someone comments I do feel like I’m valid in the way I feel but I am also not sure anymore, I want to do what’s best for my son. I know people already think I’m so dumb and that I shouldn’t have had him, but I am trying to be better for my son, I feel like he’s my only family left and I really want to try to do what’s best for him.

The comments kept coming in.

Hairy_Caregiver7136 wrote:

I don't think you are overthinking.

It's uncomfortable, but I'd try talking to him again.

"Dave, we need to have this talk again, and I really need you to listen to what I'm saying. Please don't interrupt and let me get this all out

I want to move out.

I am not trying to have any claim over you or cramp your style. I am, however, trying to have a healthy co-parenting relationship with you, and you're pulling away and not talking through whatever is bothering you and causing your behavior to change towards me and your son. That directly affects our relationship.

I don't know if it's something I am doing, if you resent me, our son, if you're regretting this whole situation, or if you're just upset after seeing your ex. Which leads me to my next point, talking about you running into your ex, how it affects you, and does matter because it's one of the direct and often times indirect reasons I want to move out.

If you want to get back with her, by all means, but that relationship was so toxic and messy, and I don't want to be around it, nor do I want my son around it. If you decide to start dating her or let her back into your life, there's not much i can do about that.

History has proven she will absolutely start mess with me, how I'm pathetic for living with you even though you still love/want her (even though our relationship is not like that), and probably drag our son into it and I'm not ok with that. I'd rather move out and let you do what you want with her while I keep my distance and our son safe from all of that drama.

I have more respect for myself than to be in places where I'm not wanted. I have good reason to believe your family is not 100% comfortable with me around since I'm not actually family, just your child's mother. Fair enough, I don't want to be a burden to anyone or for anyone to be uncomfortable or like I've overstayed my welcome. Our situation is complicated, and I don't want to complicate it more.

While I understand your want for one of us to be a stay at home parent, I don't think it's necessary. I don't want to stall your career, and I can not allow myself to fall behind in my own career since 2-3 years out of the workforce can and often times does mean struggling to get back into it and starting over at a much lower pay.

I have to be financially secure to be able to provide my half of our sons expenses after I move out of here. It's not that I don't think you'll provide, but I will also have my own bills and needs that I do not expect nor want you to provide for. I need to be financially secure for my own well-being. I am more than happy to sit down and come up with a fair custody arrangement that suits both of us.

Please understand this is coming from a place of wanting for all of us to be happy and healthy. I want our son to look at us as his parents and know that we are happy and friendly with each other and love him more than anything else.

If you feel like addressing any of these topics and talking through them, great, if not, I'll start getting things in order to move forward with my plan to move out." This is obviously just an example, but outline what you want to say, give explanations where necessary, and be honest.

You don't have to tell him you overheard that conversation to tell him the gist of it. If he asks where you got that from, just say it doesn't matter, but I know it to be some people's true feelings. He can come to his own conclusions. You can even ask him not to respond to what you've said and to give it a few days to mull it over, and then y'all can sit down and talk about it.

OP responded:

Thank you, I have been trying to come up with what I want to do next and am not sure since approaching the conversation the first time was already hard for me to do. Every chance I’ve gotten since the initial conversation I’ve tried to bring up me going back to work and moving out.

But D doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, we live together right now but I guess I never realized how busy D could be (?) I honestly don’t remember him being this busy, he did work more after the birth of our son but he’s slowed down on work the past few months and now he’s suddenly picking back up and I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or if he’s trying to avoid me bringing the conversation up.

The times that I do catch him at home, he’s either with our son or is extremely tired and I don’t want to bother him during any of those times because I also don’t want to overwhelm him or add onto his stress.

I also am not too comfortable bringing up the Mother’s Day conversation since it’s not something I was supposed to hear, and I don’t want D or his family to think I’m ungrateful when they’ve done so much for both my son and I. I’m hoping to wait a bit before I can bring the topic back up and am currently thinking about what I want to say and how I’m going to say it without upsetting anyone.

Jumpy_RocketCat_2726 wrote:

If you are not in a romantic relationship with D, I think you should plan to move out. Get some advice from your pediatrician about how much intensive care your baby needs and plan accordingly. On the plus side, you don't have to move immediately and you can take time to make the best arrangements.

I don't think that 2-3 years home is an automatic requirement for a preemie baby, and you have to take care of your own needs and future in addition the the needs of your child. D really doesn't get to dictate what you do here.

OP responded:

I have honestly never really thought about how I feel about D and I don’t know how he feels about me, everything has been one thing after another and I’ve never sat down to think about it, but I do know that I care for him and respect him as a father.

D is really good with our son and does his best when it comes to being a dad. As for my son’s health, he’s much better and doesn’t need much but his doctor has warned us that we have to adjust and watch for his milestones to make sure he’s growing and developing at an appropriate rate.

I think that’s why D decided on 2-3yrs, because the doctor told us that once our son is around that age, he should be caught up with his peers and that we shouldn’t have to make adjustments to his milestones when evaluating his growth and development.

That’s why I do want to go back to work, I’m sure daycare teachers and staff (also his parents since his mom is a retired nurse) are trained to help monitor or watch out for milestones so I’m not as worried but I can also see what D means and where he may be coming from.

Shadowagent001 wrote:

You are not dumb and you probably are overthinking things a little. You had a lot of things happen in a short period of time. It is understandable to be overwhelmed and a bit vulnerable. Do you have friends to talk to or have you considered therapy?

This could help talk out some of the thoughts and see things from a new perspective or gain advice on how to approach some topics. You can make it clear that you do not want to overstay your welcome without letting on you overheard a conversation, but to be honest it was a gathering and that was a risk they took in making a comment.

You might feel better bringing up that you don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, especially yourself, so perhaps setting boundaries are in order. Plus you might have heard something out of context or read into it more. I feel bad that your own family is so horrible. Is there no one on your side that isn't so vile?

OP responded:

As sad and pathetic as this sounds, I don’t really have friends. Most of my friends were through my family, or they didn’t agree with me having my son with D not only that but also a big majority of my friends are still friends with my ex and we drifted because I found out that a lot of them knew about his cheating but kept quiet about it since they knew him longer/better.

I was going to therapy, but because I was so busy after I gave birth. I haven’t gone in a bit. I do plan on going back to therapy but because I am not currently working I also don’t have the best health insurance right now and everything would be paid in full out of pocket, so I’ve been pushing it off since I have already dipped so much into my savings.

Canyonemoon wrote:

That's actually unacceptable. He can't basically insinuate that you should be a SAHM, and not have your own financial independence from him and his family, and then pull away from you.

That can't happen. In the event that you become a SAHM, he needs to be communicating, he needs to be open about what's going on with his ex, he needs to be present. SAHP can become stressful for the working partner in a loving relationship full of trust and growth, and you don't have that.

You have no assurance that he'll actually make it work because making it work involves a lot of very open and very honest communication, and he's already failing. There needs to be trust, there's barely any. There needs to be communication, there's barely any. There needs to be security, there's barely any.

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