'I hate wearing rings and don’t want to wear my engagement ring. My fiancé's extremely hurt by this.' UPDATED
"I (f29) hate wearing rings and don’t want to wear my engagement ring. My (m30) fiancé is extremely hurt by this."
I hate wearing rings and bracelets. They’re always uncomfortable to me and I can’t wear one for longer than a day before it starts to seriously impact my mood (I became really annoyed at everything / get angrier easier). I suspect I might have Aspergers or something because this is not the only sensory issue I have.
Everyone knows that I hate hand jewelry, including my fiancé. We’ve been dating for three years and he proposed a few months ago. When he proposed, he used a ring that’s been passed down in his family, and idk why I just kind of assumed it was more symbolic than anything else. Now though he’s really upset I don’t want to wear it.
I offered to wear it on a necklace, but since it’s designed to be a ring the stone scratches my skin and is still very uncomfortable. I have very sensitive skin, and by the end of the day there’s a bunch of red scratches from where it irritated my skin. I told him that he knows that I can’t wear rings or bracelets, but he said he thought I’d be able to put it aside for him.
I really can’t imagine wearing the ring for the rest of my life, I tried to wear it for him but after a few days everyone was remarking that I was acting really aggressive and snapping at everyone. I just hate the feeling of wearing it so much. It’s hard for me to enjoy anything with it on. My fiancé thinks this symbolizes that I don’t want to be with him or something.
We’ve been struggling to find a compromise because he wants me to at least have the ring on my body because it’s significant to him and his family, and also doesn’t want to have it reworked so it’s more comfortable as a necklace. He’s really hurt I don’t want to wear it, and even said it makes him think I don’t want people to know I’m getting married. Idk what to do.
TL;DR: I hate wearing rings. My fiancé wants me to wear the engagement ring and we’re struggling to find a compromise.
The internet was quick to offer their thoughts.
[deleted] wrote:
There are pendants for necklaces where you could put it in - sort of a clear plastic container which can be round, square, etc. This would protect your skin and show off the ring. Might not look the best but I guess this is the best option I can think of.
OP responded:
Said this to him. He says it’s just not the same :(
IllustriousFront669 wrote:
Nurses pin the ring to their scrubs. Or wear them on a chain. Any possibility that either of these would work? Explain to him that you'd like to come up with ideas to still wear and display the ring, just not on your hands. A lot of people have sensory issues with rings and bracelets, especially neurodivergent people. Ask him to help you brainstorm.
Since it's a family heirloom and you don't want to wear it, you should give it back. He can buy you a cheaper ring that can sit in a drawer unworn. Or, better yet, just buy you a nice necklace.
ArtemisLotus wrote:
I was going to suggest wearing it as a necklace but I see that you’ve tried. This is a pickle, for sure. It’s a shame that he values the ring over your skin and comfort. I am curious as to why he thinks the ring matters more. Is he concerned of other ppl thinking you’re available?
Three days later, OP shared an update.
We broke up. I brought up all the suggestions that the comments said, get it reworked into a more comfortable necklace, put it in a plastic container on a necklace so it wouldn’t have to be reworked, get a tattoo, all of it. He refused to hear it.
The ring has been in his family for four generations and is extremely meaningful to him, so he did not want any compromise. He also didn’t like that I would be married without a ring. He said it makes me look like I’m trying to hide the fact I’m going to be married or that I have a fiancé, and insinuated that I was cheating on him, which really hurt my feelings.
Two days ago I decided to try to wear the ring again to see if explore therapy would work or something. It did not work at all, all day at work I was distracted and uptight because it was on, and by the time I got home I felt extremely distressed and upset.
When I got home that day I was ready to just collapse on the couch, but my SIL and fiancé were home. I was not expecting my SIL to be there. Apparently it’s tradition to throw a surprise party for engaged couples in my fiancés family.
The bride is taken out to get her nails done with the women of the family, get beautified or something, and then meets the groom and the rest of the family at a random family members house for a party. I hate surprises and I hate parties. I asked my fiancé why he didn’t warn me and he just said he didn’t want to ruin the surprise.
My SIL knew that I didn’t like shopping, and so she had already gotten me a dress to change into for the event after we got our nails done. It was a very sweet and thoughtful thing to do, but it was covered in sequins and had beads hanging from the bottom which I already knew would make my sensory issues go crazy.
My fiancé must have seen my face when I saw it, because he texted me that he would be reallly upset if I disrespected his sister by not wearing the dress. By the time I got to the party I felt like a robot from how much I was shutting down. I still had the ring on too along with the dress, so I was just doing everything in my power to not start crying or have some sort of freak out.
A couple hours pass and I’m still feeling terrible, and then his cousin grabs my waist from behind to move me out of the way.
I hate being touched so much. I hate hate hate it I can hardly stand it on a good day. I screamed and I just couldn’t stop screaming and crying.
His entire family just watched me shocked. My fiancé pulled outside and into the car and drove me home and was yelling at me the whole time, which made it worse. The next morning he demanded an apology. I was so tired and exhausted and I just thought “what am I doing this for? Is this who I want to spend my life with?”
So I dumped him . The apartment is under my name so he’s staying with family right now. I feel so light and free for the first time in forever. And now I don’t have to wear his stupid ring .
TL;DR: my sensory issues caused me to dump my fiancé.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
robbyrandall wrote:
My wife and I both have wedding rings but hate wearing them for extended periods of time so they just sit in a drawer at home. It's just such a non issue for us. Getting touched by random people and then being asked to apologize for the reaction is... just ludicrous.
I'm glad you broke up with the douche.
Just out of curiosity, do you have touch issues with your partner/s? Lack of touch would be a big issue for most people.
OP responded:
I should clarify. I like being touched in specific circumstances. For example, I like being touched by someone who I find attractive, im aware ahead of time there will be touch, and I’m able to see it happening. Outside of those circumstances it feels like being zapped. Not fun.
chudsworth wrote:
Just curious, what did you like/love about this guy? All I see is all the things you hate.
OP responded:
We both are art nerds and we always bonded over how much we love art. I always thought he was really thoughtful and intelligent with the way he would analyze not just art pieces but everything around him.
I loved hearing his opinions about stuff, and I always felt like I could learn new stuff from him too because he’s an art curator so he’s just super knowledgeable. He was fun to talk to. I don’t know what really changed, over time he just got more and more demanding I guess. I’m going to miss what we had.