'I have told my husband that I want a divorce and he’s ignoring it.' UPDATED

"I (30F) have told my husband (41M) that I want a divorce and he’s ignoring it."

For context, we’ve been married for close to 6 years and have two children (10 and 2) and own a home together. I’ve always been quite organised, I like a routine and things to be done or planned. My husband is much more mellow, and for years I thought it was a healthy balance. However, especially since we had our youngest, I’ve been feeling more and more emotionally unfulfilled by him.

He’s not done anything “divorceable” in and of itself, but the cycle of my handling all the domestic, financial and parenting responsibilities has gone too far. I’ve asked him a thousand times to step up and help more and he says “I’ll do more” and does an evening of washing up before reverting to normal.

I finally snapped after I spent my day off (I work full time) sorting through his IMMENSE pile of dirty laundry (there were legit c0vid masks around 3/4 way down, so I’m guessing it’s at least 5 years worth of shit he hasn’t managed to bring down for me to wash).

If you want to understand how it got so bad, this was the hill I decided some time ago to die on - I asked him repeatedly to bring down the laundry as I do all of it, and I wanted him to take responsibility.

It turns out he’s just been buying new clothes when he has nothing clean, which means there is 0 storage now it’s all been laundered, which I raised to him. He just said “I’m sure you’ll find somewhere to put it” and I lost it.

I told him how lonely it is being his partner. How I do all the work, I pay the bills, I sort the childcare and activities and make sure everyone is ok. I don’t know what I expected, but he said nothing at all. Just stared into the distance. I asked if he had anything to say at all, and he said no. And I told him I don’t want this anymore. I don’t deserve to be so unhappy. I told him I want a divorce.

This is where I need advice, really. He didn’t respond. He just carried on silently standing there. After about 15 minutes, he left the room and he hasn’t said anything about it since. This was a week ago, and I’ve been polite but nothing more, while he’s been asking about my day and general chatter. I’m so confused.

He’s not making an effort for the relationship I wanted when I married him but he’s also not acknowledging that I’ve told him I’m done. I don’t know how to address this further - I don’t have any desire to argue (or to talk to a brick wall about my feelings again!) but it feels like he’s pretending it didn’t happen. How do I move forward?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Imgnrdmr wrote:

You either continue as you have been doing or you move forward with the divorce. He's obviously not going to change, so either accept this is your life or start taking steps to change it.

pimpampoumz wrote:

You contact a divorce lawyer and start the proceedings. You don't need him to react or agree or anything.

His lack of response is the proof that nothing will ever change - he's passive, he doesn't care enough to even have a reaction, and he probably thinks it'll just blow over and you'll stay. Some people ignore things and pretend like nothing's happening, until it happens anyway. Let him keep his head in the sand, and move on.

OP responded:

I think the lack of reaction is reinforcing my feelings that he is simply not capable of making an effort in this relationship. Just feel like an idiot for spending the last few years trying to convince myself he cares and making him a priority! I don’t have any desire to hurt him with this, but maybe starting the proceedings is the kindest option for us both.

CatCharacter848 wrote:

You start divorce proceedings. Are you still in the same bedroom. Talking about your day with him, making meals. Stop. Move into the kids room. If need be but be obvious and start separating your life from his.

Disastrous-Panda5530 wrote:

Go make an appointment with a divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling. He won’t change. And he’s hoping that if he doesn’t nothing it’ll just go away. You deserve better and so do your kids. Do you want them to think this is what a normal and healthy marriage looks like?

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.

EDIT: Thank you for your responses. I was never looking for permission - I think for me, a decision regarding a relationship is typically a conversation. It helps to be reassured by strangers that I don’t need to wait for that conversation in order to move forward.

I’ll be spending Monday reaching out to divorce lawyers to start future proofing for myself and my children. Thank you for providing the support I needed to do that with a little more confidence in myself.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

Fun-reporter9805 wrote:

Men like him get with young women like you so that they can have babies for them and, the live-in s*x, bots and maids. He was never looking for a fulfilling equal relationship with you. Not as a man nearing his 40s while you were in your mid 20s. You don’t need his permission or participation to follow through with the divorce. Find a lawyer, get the papers, hand them over and be done.

Nokipannukahvi wrote:

You would be so much happier if you had to manage only you and your kids. Think how clean and tidy your own place would be when you get back from work example. Good for you going forward with the divorce planning! You deserve better. Don't settle for crumbs. I'm proud of you.

Caseythealien wrote:

You've made your decision that you're done and that's all that's required for a divorce not to mention what you are modeling for your children is dysfunctional. Stay in the other room, contact a divorce lawyer and when you have a plan just explain it to him. He doesn't seem to do anything else proactively and someone needs to start a divorce.

ReliefSmall3714 wrote:

Was therapy never thought of? It’s worked wonders for me and my wife. (We are a blended family with six children from 6-19). Unfortunately I can relate to the whole laundry thing, I don’t mind separating, washing and folding but I HATE hanging it up and putting away in the drawers.

My wife is opposite she hates washing but doesn’t mind hanging it up and putting it in the drawers. Good luck to the both of you and hopefully you guys can come to an agreement on the children because they are the ones who ultimately suffer through all of this.